Yay, I now have proper blog software installed. Surely you'll like this better than my other diary format; well I do so it doesn't matter. It is so much more convenient to write entries now than it used to be. Before I had to first write something in Word, that way I could take advantage of neat spell-checking features. After that I had to paste the text into Visual Studio. Normally this part would be easy, I mean what $1,000 program can munge simple copy-and-paste... Well, Visual Studio can. I don't use the design view when I'm editing pages, I'm strictly in the HTML view, and this, my friends, is where Visual Studio goes horribly wrong.
You see, when in the HTML view there are two kinds of pasting actions. One can use the menu item named "Paste" or the other item named "Paste as HTML". Now I ask you, which of these two would you pick to do a simple copy and paste action? Paste, is that it, is that your final answer? Enh, wrong. You see, Visual Studio is smart enough to read the kind of data on the clipboard and it does all kinds of magical data munging to it before it pastes it. So when you choose Paste to paste data from Word Visual Studio is smart enough to recognize this and so it also pastes in all of Word's special formatting characters too!
Okay, that isn't the option I want, silly me, all I wanted was the actual text that I wrote on the screen, not the special formatting characters. So I undo the Paste command and try the other one, "Paste as HTML". Hey, whaddya know, it works.
Being in the computer industry long enough I've learned to just accept idiosyncrasies like this without question. I guess it makes perfect sense to someone that when I want to paste text the command that I should be using is labeled "Paste as HTML" and not simply "Paste". Silly me.
Anyway, this new blog software is cool, enjoy :)
Ahh, will I ever learn. Yes, dear reader(s), this entry is about her, again.
A few days ago I asked her if she would like to do something some time and she actually said yes! I was so excited and thrilled to hear that because I really like this girl! Physically anyway, I don't know a whole lot about her otherwise, but that's kind of why I want to go out with her. About two days after I asked her if we could do something so I called her, right before the weekend. I got...her voicemail. That's the kiss of death with her I'm finding out. Nowadays girls don't give you a wrong phone number, you just get sent to that netherworld called voicemail. However, in this girl's case we see each other on a non-romantic basis a few times a week so flat out lying to me with a wrong number probably seemed less inviting to her; awkward.
So I call, get her voicemail, and leave a message asking if tomorrow or sometime would be good for her; I even said I just wanted to be with her too, a kind of sappy thing to say. It's now Saturday, two days later, and, well, I'm writing all this so you can probably guess what's happened. Sigh, I'm sad. I want to be angry, because I'm thinking why couldn't she have just said she didn't want to go out, or something to that effect, why did she have to get my hopes up again only to then trash them :(
But I can't be mad at her. One reason is that when I see her I get this sappy feeling inside and I like her again, no matter how distraught I may have been feeling over her. Sigh. I really should get the clues and just settle for being friends and nothing else. But it's hard, I don't want to be just friends.
Another reason I can't be mad at her is that I've done the exact same thing to other women who've expressed interest in me. I wasn't always so into having relationships in the past so I feigned ignorance of the signals women were sending me -- of course, I was also really naïve quite a few times and never knew, hahaha. I knew they liked me, or had ideas, but yet I acted like I didn't know and continued being friends with them as if there were no attraction between us at all. I could tell that some were sad and sometimes angry at me because of this. There's a time limit to how long a girl will have an interest in you I learned. Now, with this girl that I like, the tables are turned. I probably feel what those other girls felt, and you know what, it sucks :(
Maybe this is karma working its charm on me. There are schools of thoughts, philosophies, concerning old souls. It's an idea predicated on reincarnation: your essence surviving your body's physical death and living many other lifetimes. An old soul then is one that's been around the block, so to speak; it's seen much. I like this concept and I'm seeing how it works too, how you become a wise old soul. You experience, and you experience a lot. In my case, I experienced denying the advances of women and now I presently experience having my advances denied. I'm experiencing both perspectives, I'm feeling them both. There's a kind of dynamic tension that's developing, an emotional tug-of-war with neither side capable of winning. Both experiences counter-balance each other. That's why I have such trouble being mad at her, because I know what it's like to be in her position and denying someone, I've done it myself.
Sigh, wisdom makes you sad; it can make you happy too. Still, I like her.
You know, this peaceful Buddha-like feeling is really peachy keen. I felt it again today after I didn't say hey to her when I wanted to -- you know who "her" is by now don't you. I was taking some papers to the recycling station and was near where she worked. As I was walking down the hall she looked up for a bit and could've seen me, but she didn't seem to acknowledge me so there was no need to wave. As I was taking my dump the thought flashed in my head that I should stop by and say something, not that I had anything to say really, I just wanted to be around her in some way. Normally stopping by someone else's area of work wouldn't be a big deal for me but you throw in emotions and watch out.
Okay, yeah, I didn't, but it would've been a perfect time to: no one else happened to be around at the time. After I got back to my office I was mad at myself: I didn't do what I wanted. That's the one thing I hate doing the most, not following my heart. I was distraught over this but later on I started to accept what I didn't do. Actually, I accepted the possible consequences: that she really may have seen me and maybe thinks a bit bad of me for not stopping by. Whether or not any of this is true is irrelevant for me, what is important is that I'm cool with it. That's something I'm becoming better at, acceptance and more specifically acceptance of myself.
I noticed yesterday that she's having a somewhat gravitic effect on me. It's like her attractiveness is enough to provide me with incentive to change but yet, sometimes it seems like actually colliding with her :P is just a pipe dream. I move in her direction, if you will, but being with her won't happen. Now of course, this is just speculative thinking on my part as she hasn't flat out said, "Get lost, creep"; she's only just not returned my calls, twice. Oh well, being friends is better than nothing, right? That's something I've learned over the years as well. Who knows, possibly maybe, something will happen.
One more thing, since I'm being all Buddha today. Progressive trance is the music I meditate to. I was driving home today listening to a DJ set on my rad CD-RW capable mp3 CD car stereo! (These things rock!) Ahem. Anyway, the set got to a really good spacey portion and the reason trance is called trance became apparent to me. Man, I was so lost in thought while that song was playing, it was like concepts I had been thinking of were clicking and making sense. Yeah, I love progressive trance. BTW, I think, and I stress think, the song was named "Highland - No Way Out (Orchid & Narcose Remix)". I know what I'm going to go download now...
First, I must say that the new Battlestar Galactica series on the Sci-fi channel is really awesome! It's the best new sci-fi show I've seen in a while, only Stargate SG-1 is better IMHO (In My Humpty Opinion). If you haven't seen this show yet check it out, you won't be disappointed, there's a nice darkness to it that I like.
I'm doing well in other areas. Remember that girl I mentioned before? Well in my desire to be with her I've started...changing, hahaha. About three years ago I went into a fairly extensive recluse mode, I cut myself of from the few friends I had at the time and I focused almost entirely on me. Oh I still did things but for the most part I rarely did things with others. This is also when I went through my arrogant spiritual stage. You know, when you come across new information -- new to you anyway -- and you think others don't know about it; there's a certain potentiality for an ego trip to develop.
Anyway, life is always moving forward and I've started to become a lot more comfortable with myself as of late. There's a kind of calm centeredness starting to form within me, I can feel it. Oh I still have my moments where I feel filled with angst, I'm just saying I'm starting to feel peaceful more often than say, once a year. I don't much have that arrogant spiritual attitude anymore, but I suppose it's always possible it could resurface. And now, thanks to this new person who's come into my life I'm feeling a desire to rejoin the world of people again.
I'm being easy with myself though, I'm not trying to force myself to change overnight. All I've been doing is letting myself get comfortable with the idea of being sociable again. I often try to predict everything in advance and if I can't see how something will work I won't do it...well, sometimes. In this case, to my amazement, just letting the idea of being sociable again sit with me is effecting a change in me. It's almost like working from the bottom up or the inside out: my inner self is changing first and so in effect I get steeped in this idea, infused with it. I think this is an important point too. It's like I'm resuscitating myself, almost like how a bone dry, hard as a rock, sponge needs to be soaked in water in order to be pliable again. But alas, I have three years of voluntarily solitary confinement to get over. But I will get there, I have to at least try; she's too attractive, in many ways, not to.
Oh, and my eyes are getting better too. I'm on the 6th of an 8 week program to naturally restore my vision, because I'm nearsighted. And it's really working! I am absolutely committed to getting rid of my glasses and contact lenses because I'm tired of wearing ocular crutches. If you were born with perfect vision, as most people are, you should really look into doing eye exercises if you currently can't see as well. One hint, too much tension is probably a factor in your vision loss, it is in mine.
I was looking through my high school yearbook because this year marks 10 years since I got out of high school. I was looking over the comments that people wrote me. There are some people that even now I still think about on occasion. From reading the comments in my yearbook I'm still a bit surprised at one particular girl. Mary Render. I never realized back then she thought what she did about me, she was a bit peeved I never called her but I didn't know I was supposed to, haha. I remember that she called me during the summer of graduation. I'm such an escapist. I heard her leave a message on the answering machine but I never called her back, I even deleted it too to make sure my mom wouldn't tell me someone called and start prying into my love life -- heh, there's a phrase I don't use too often.
Angineeki Miles I've had a strange fascination with rather recently. Don't ask me why because even I don't know. We were good friends in high school. The one thing I remember about her the most is that she was skinny. I've seen pictures of her on the Net though and she's turned out to be a very beautiful woman. Not just on the outside but truly all around, she's a nice person. She's probably campaigning for Black women somewhere knowing her :). You go, girl!
Jamika Benson, she gets the award for being my love interest in high school. From my 9th grade year to my 10th it was like a daytime soap opera with us, actually more like Tony and Angela from the TV show, Who's the Boss: will they or won't they... Lots of sexual tension there. But you know me, I always chicken out, so nothing ever happened. But still, of all the females in high school she was without a doubt the most special to me.
Tisha Craig would absolutely kill me if I didn't write about her. Although not quite a Jamika she was still important to me if for no other reason than being my best friend all throughout high school :). She came from Jamaica and I'm really not sure how we became such good friends but we did. Sometimes I wonder if I helped her fit in. Not that I was especially popular or anything, maybe just because we were together a lot people started to see her as a person and not just a Jamaican. I know what you're thinking dear reader, "Get over yourself!" Well, Tisha ended up being more popular than me, so there, happy now. She wanted to go to the senior prom with me but I never did / do anything so I refused to go and she went with someone else. Social scenes have always unnerved me but I've gotten better as the years wax on.
I think the funniest thing about going to a reunion will be seeing all the guys with receding hairlines, haha. Yeah, I've got a bit myself thank you. It's interesting to think upon how radically different my life would've turned out had I made certain other decisions back then. Life lines diverge from every moment, with each choice made one line extends just a little bit more than the others, its existence allowed to continue. It's almost like chipping away at a block of stone to reveal a beautiful statue within; choices chip away at all of life's potentialities to reveal a unique life.
Such a shy guy I am. I've been told I don't look too bad, and thinking back on all the various women that have expressed some level of interest in me I've finally accepted this :). Hmm, it's funny, here I am getting older on the outside and yet I've stayed much the same in other areas.
You know, after posting what I just posted I just realized how personal it was! I'm usually a private person so I don't reveal much of what I'm thinking to those who know me in real life. Heh, maybe this text will be enlightening to them. Now I wouldn't post my thoughts just to say what I just said, no sir, there always has to be a deeper meaning or significance; sometimes, a lot of times, well okay now there is.
That deeper significance is revealing the self. It's actually a freeing thing to be transparent in a sense and post one's thoughts for the entire world to see. Probably the vast majority of the people who'll ever see this won't or don't know me in real life so considering that writing this is cool as shit! But there are some who will know me in real life, and me being such a usually guarded person, revealing this aspect of myself is a bit unnerving for me. But I guess that goes with the territory in being transparent, eh. Can't be semi-transparent.
Anyway, I was just thinking how often people rarely know about each other. You see someone you know and you say "Hey, how are you?". I don't know about you but normally I don't really care how the other person is doing, it's just a polite thing to say. I always respond with "I'm fine", even if I feel like crap. All I have to do is put on a smile and act chipper and they're none the wiser. Fools!! If only they knew, haha.
So, how are you? :)
There used to be a lot of stuff here about religion and stuff but now it's gone, it's been there long enough. It's kind of odd, I have this web site of mine and yet it doesn't always feel like it's mine, I don't treat it like a personal thing...
Well, today I think I've figured out why I've been so shy around women all my life. Well there are many reasons actually but I think I've at least discovered one, the main one: I think I'm boring. My main fear is that a woman will take an interest in me, talk to me, and then find out I'm too boring to be around and leave me. Since I don't want to feel the pain of rejection I just decide to not even give them the chance to get to know me, ergo I can't be hurt when they later discover how boring I am.
Sucky strategy, huh. All it's really gotten me so far is a life of solitude, looking out the window at the kids playing below -- to speak metaphorically. I think I'm used to this lonely existence I've allowed myself to create. Now we're getting to the reason I'm writing this.
Yes, there's another girl that seems to have taken a liking to me, and of course I totally dig her. She's in a...social organization I'll say to help protect her identity. She goes out, does stuff, and I..I sit at home all day and work on my computer. A recipe for love success if I ever heard of one... Oye, how did this ever happen to me. Life would be so much simpler for me if I never had the yearnings to do things I'm afraid to do! But yet, I really like this girl. She's pretty, she's smart, and when she looks at me I feel truly happy -- if only for the few moments while she's looking at me. On one hand I want to rest comfortably in my comfort zone of solitude and give up trying to talk to her, but when I look at my other hand there she is and try as I might I can't stop thinking about her.
My relationship skills suck. You'd think by the time someone is 27 years old they'd be good at them, maybe married with kids, but it doesn't always work out that way. If you never try to do something then it remains undone, and such has happened with me and relationships. I've avoided them for so long that now, at my age, I'm about as relationship experienced as a 14-year old. So thinking that I should already know this stuff just compounds my grief, it's a nasty vicious downward spiral of thought that's best avoided.
It seems like everyone on the web is posting personal things about themselves, why not me.