April 2005 - Posts
I was running late for work today, what's new! Ideally I get ready at around 7:45am but today I got ready at around 8:10am, not good. So I was trying to speed through my morning routine. I like moving fast like that, my body just cooperates with me, there's a rhythm and a flow to things. When I was brushing my teeth my arm just moved gracefully, guiding my toothbrush around my mouth. Then I flowed into my bedroom, still moving fast and with precision, and I slipped my feet into my slippers and took about 3 large steps back into the bathroom. Started the shower and got in.
I've been using liquid soap since college and I just love it, keeps my skin soft and doesn't dry it out. I used to use a lather ball but I've since switched to a mitt. This thing is freakin' awesome! Not only is it a loofah so it flakes away dead skin, but because it's a mitt I can move very fast and precisely over my body and still get a good clean. I took advantage of this today, and many days when I'm running late, to speed through my shower. I was noticing how cool it is that my arms cooperate. Think about it, they're two separate parts of the body, can move independently of the other, but yet because they're controlled by a single person, me, they work together. When one arm is raised the other cleans it, and then my leg responds by lifting itself off the tub allow my left hand to clean my left foot. Then I trade off the mitt and put it on my right hand and do the same thing. It really is a marvelous thing, the human body. When it's working in harmony it dances, it sings not with voice, but with motion. There's a flow. Yeah baby!
I messed up this week, I'm sorry :(. I had a Spanish 101 exam to take today, 3 hours long, WTF! Anyway, I thought I taped The Amazing Race but I taped Stargate SG-1 instead :(.
Har har har, fooled you; tee hee :). I really did think I taped the wrong show by mistake but I just have a really used videotape and a lot of other recorded-over shows came up. I was deceived! Ha. And deception is the theme for this show.
I could've sworn Uchenna & Joyce had a lead from the last episode, they did win the Fast Forward after all. All the teams departed near the same time though, so I guess not. Anyway, our two episodes in one country, India, are over and now it's Turkey time :). All the teams make it to the airport, and via travel agents, have arranged the same flights out of the country. However, in a comment that wins the "Why the fuck did I say that" award, Rob makes an off-hand comment to Meredith, asking him if they caught the earlier flight. Now no one at this point knew of any earlier flight, not even Rob; Rob only says this to make Meredith nervous and throw him off his game. But, Meredith tells Uchenna & Joyce about this supposed earlier flight and Uchenna borrows another traveler's cell phone to start calling to try and get on this mythical earlier flight.
Well, guess what, it exists! The flight Uchenna finds lands two hours earlier than the flight they had been on, and this includes the same flight Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly are on. Oh Rob, you've been playing such a good game up until now, but you just screwed yourself and didn't even know it. The actual flight pattern has a stop at another airport and it's at this stop that the two camps of teams part ways. Now Rob is playing well so he legitimately asks several travel agents about the possibility of an earlier flight. Amazingly though, not a single one can find it, it just doesn't seem to exist. Wow! To make matters worse, while he & Amber and Ron & Kelly are waiting at the airport Rob starts mocking the other teams confident that he's in the lead. Of course, the TV show uses all manner of editing tricks to highlight to the viewer that it is he, Rob, that is behind. Poor Rob :(
Most of the show is pretty straightforward at this point. Uchenna & Joyce come in first, and Meredith & Joyce come in second; pretty good for the old people, I think Gretchen is 66 she said. What is interesting at this point in the episode is how Rob & Amber split from Ron & Kelly and when they discover that they are not in first as they had been thinking, but trailing in third! Gasp, shock, swoon, I think I just caught a case of the vapors. Rob & Amber's lead over Ron & Kelly enable them to come in third. As (bad)luck will have it though this is a non-elimination round so Ron & Kelly are not eliminated even though they're last. Of course, they loss all their shiznit :). Except, except! Except for their Travelocity traveling gnome, which all the teams had to carry around once they landed in Turkey. One team, Ron & Kelly ironically enough, won a prize: a $20,000 spending spree with Travelocity. They also got to stay in a swanky hotel, but of course with no money since they came in last. What's crueler, being eliminated from the race, or staying in a 5-star hotel with no money; the temptations there must've killed them, tee hee :).
Background music for this entry.
I feel like I've been dumped in way, used in another. I've gotten close to someone for a good while now, maybe the closest I've ever gotten to someone. I guess I really shouldn't blame her for how I feel, these feelings are mine after all. We really were, are, just friends but there was a playful flirtiness to our friendship. When we first met I thought it was just fun and games, I intentionally kept reminding myself that she's just a friend, it's not real. But I guess after a while I thought the flirts were more than that. And honestly, for the life of me, I don't see how I could've thought otherwise; she's that good of a flirt. I really really tried to keep in mind it was just for fun, but I ended up thinking it was more than that. People don't write things like I'm writing for no reason so it's probably obvious what's transpired: my bubble has been burst.
We've always been friends throughout all of this but we haven't been talking as much lately. Today I haven't had the same urge I used to have to talk to her: I don't know what to say. I've let myself get very wrapped up in her, heck, I still am really. It's amazing how close you can get to someone.
We are just friends, I see it now.
I usually ignore ads on the Internet but every now and then one comes along I find particularly amusing. This one is based on the TV show American Idol. The host, Simon, generally ridicules the contestants so hating him has become a fun thing :). Anyway, enjoy slapping the hell out of him, I love the sound effects. And don't worry, no pop-up windows will appear.
It's kind of an odd thing that occurs when you think your life is about to fall apart; right before it happens, after everything has gone downhill, right before the zeroth hour, you find peace. I really can't comment on what others might feel, just myself.
Events have been happening in my life as of late that have made me feel more alive than I have in a while. I guess it's the wonderment of actually seeing things occur rather than just theorizing about them. Maybe as a culmination of expressing myself from my jealousy I see that the world still stands, I still stand. The greater the potential I have of losing things the more I start to focus my sights on myself, seeing that what I have been looking at might be fading away. A metaphor for my nearsightedness perhaps.
I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, and my self includes those portions I've had a fear of expressing. The possibility of losing a friendship, the possibility of being alone. These are possibilities I'm becoming more comfortable with. People come into my life, people leave my life, but I'm still here. Oddly enough I've discovered that I've been acting from a fear of being alone in some aspects of my life: not doing certain things, not saying certain things, even at the same time as I profess to myself that I'm comfortable being alone. Being alone is a possibility.
I had a dream today about the girl I used to write about a few months ago. In the dream we kissed and fell into each other: I rested my head on her, she laid hers on mine. I woke up briefly after the dream and had a strong urge to be with her. When I saw her today I started to see her differently. She wasn't the girl who started up a relationship with her ex, she wasn't the girl I wanted to be away from anymore, she smiled today, I smiled today; I still didn't say anything, but I did smile. It's beautiful when someone smiles at me.
The possibility of having nothing, it's real.
You know the drill by now, we stay in the same country for at least two episodes now; so yeah, still in India, sigh. Whatever happened to the glory days of past seasons of this show where every week we were taken to a different country...
So we're in India and although this is a different episode it is still the same leg of the competition from the last episode. The teams are instructed to get on a train and ride on it for 24 hours and wait for their next clue. During this long journey each team gang bonds, well I only see Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly talking but I'll assume the Losers are too :). At the destination the teams rush to their next clue only to discover that it doesn't open until 10am and it's nighttime when they arrive so they have more waiting to do. The Winners, which I've dubbed the two teams consisting of Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly, ask the hotel manager where they're staying to be their guide through the city; Sanjay is his name I think. Rob is pretty smart in this regard, he's always asking locals for help, which in this race is pretty helpful. Alex & Lynn are seen dancing in a local celebration.
Next up are several choices: a Fast Forward, choosing to dye fabrics, or hauling a 600 lb elephant figure. Uchenna & Joyce choose the Fast Forward, as do Alex & Lynn initially but decide to back out upon realizing Uchenna & Joyce are already on it. No team chooses to dye fabrics so we get to have fun watching the teams devise ways to push a 600 lb elephant :). Gretchen, of team Meredith & Gretchen, hops up her elephant and sits in it throughout the duration of the challenge. It looks extremely funny with her up there because she looks like a fascist dictator way past her prime as she's alternatively telling people to get out of her way and to help her push it. Poor Meredith, he's assigned the task of actually pushing this mammoth pachyderm while listening to her maniacal shouts and screams. They do get help from the locals but all their help seems to come from 8-year-old boys who can barely even reach the back of the elephant to push it. Rob on the other hand just grabs people and puts them to work, he's definitely mob boss material :).
At the Fast Forward the task is to get your head shaved. Doing this isn't a big deal for Uchenna because his hairstyle of choice is no hair, e.g. bald head; his wife on the other hand has a lot of hair so this is a big deal for her. But she's a trooper and she dives into this, even yelling at her husband that they're wasting time arguing about whether or not to do it. I'm going to depart from my typical race commentary and say that spiritually it is pretty neat to get rid of your hair. My hair is pretty short so I can't really comment on what it's like to go from a full head of hair to nothing but I guess it would be like shedding your skin, out with the old kind of thing. I've also come across material stating hair collects energies too, so maybe there's some truth in that. In any case, Joyce doesn't look too bad without all her hair. But for a woman to shave her head is a big deal considering how much hair they usually keep.
Thanks to the Fast Forward Uchenna & Joyce come in first. Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly race to the mat even though they're only about 2 seconds apart from each other, talk about competitiveness :). Now the 4th place team is a shocker: it's Meredith & Gretchen! Alex & Lynn screw up by going to the wrong palace to check-in and this gives Meredith & Gretchen enough time to beat them. Pretty good for the old couple. At 4th place they're the oldest team to make it this far.
When it's warm out, like it is now, I like to be outside. I love nature; and nothing is more natural than speeding along a track at 20 - 30 MPH on speed skates :).
I was out yesterday and it was probably the 2nd time I've been on my skates in about 2 weeks. I am getting rusty. I did my usual 7 laps, 6.3 miles, but I was bushed and had a hard time doing them. Back when I was on my 4-wheel Rollerblades I would do upwards of 13 laps, 11.7 miles. I changed my diet to primarily a vegetarian one though about the same time that I got my 5-wheel speed skates so that may play a factor in my decreasing performance, that and age I guess. Last year I managed to work up to 9 laps, 8.1 miles, by the end of the summer, when I usually stop. Then again, I have noticed that I skate harder since I got my speed skates. They're not tougher to skate with it's just I go so much faster I want to maintain the quicker pace so I end up pushing myself harder. It is hard to go slow on them, hence the speed in speed skates :).
Yesterday I was out, like I indicated above, and I damn near got myself bruised up pretty bad. I was coming around a turn at the top of a fairly steep dropoff. I love going down it but as I got around the turn a car was pulling out of a driveway! Frak me!!!
Just so you know stopping on skates without a brake is not fun, especially when you're speeding down a hill. Maybe if I were a more technically competent skater I could have just done a half-circle before going too far down the hill, but I'm not that good on them so I kept on towards the car. It's always dangerous being behind a car because they always kind of freak out and don't know what to do when a skater is coming at them. There's also a 20 MPH speed limit on the track I skate around, it's around a small lake, so I actually end up passing a lot cars; read, they get in my way. I couldn't really get around this car because it was one of those 70s era long Cadillacs you always see tricked out and being driven by a teenager. It took up most of the track since it was backing out. I was actually getting so close to the car that I could've reached out and touched the trunk. I waved my arms at the lady to just go go go!! Luckily she saw my flailing arms and put the pedal to the metal. I should probably thank her, that and tell her to get an emissions check.
I think we both got a thrill from that incident, but for different reasons.
Much has happened in the land of Humptiness since this last topic. I'm starting to notice regular visitors from my blog stats so I feel more of an urge to write something for you two :P. I also think others might derive some benefit from my travails so I post. I also feel better writing, I feel like I'm talking into air.
Astute readers of this blog might have noticed a connection between the Hope, Jealousy, and "Uncle Fester's Laboratory" entries, particularly the Fester entry and Jealousy. Festering is where the jealousy originated, an issue I had yet to recognize but that made itself apparent via jealousy in certain situations. Having discovered this issue in retrospect the link between it and my recent jealousy bout seems obvious; but everything seems easy in retrospect. My point in this entry isn't to pry into personal affairs involving me and this other person but more to comment on the general nature of the things I've learned.
The thing about my jealousy is that it seemed uncontrollable, kind of like how you hear about some people having uncontrollable rage or something. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I like to think of myself generally as an easygoing nice person, but in certain instances involving this other person I felt a wellspring of jealousy erupt. Certainly if you go about your life one way and then all of a sudden have eruptions of emotion there's some unattended issue within you. Luckily at this point in my life I've come to rationalize my emotions when I feel them so in addition to feeling an urge to be jealous I also think why am I jealous. Of course, the stronger the emotion, and this jealousy bout was very acute, the harder it is to rationalize and the more likely I am to act on whatever I'm feeling -- which I did do.
I'm not saying that rationalization is a good thing, just that it's been helpful for me. I do think it is important to pay attention to whatever feeling you feel and not rationalize it away. Rationalization was good for me in this instance because it provided a way for me to distance myself from the pyrotechnics of the emotions I felt and delve into the root of the issue.
The image I have in my mind is of a smokestack billowing out ever increasing plumes of smoke, signs of something rumbling below. The smoke would be the emotions and the smokestack itself is the rationalization process. The smokestack let the smoke be released in manageable amounts: enough to prevent it from building up within me, but not so much it made the surrounding area smoky. I delved into the smokestack the way a spider might hug the wall, passing the smoke by rather than being swept up by it, in order to see from whence the smoke came from. I should say I have a very large smokestack at times :).
Let's just say I've discovered the source of the smoke at this point in time and little to no smoke is being emitted. Having found the root of the problem is one thing, an important thing, but now I have the task ahead of me of dealing with the underlying issue. It's not so hard because now I clearly see what I'm dealing with. You know, the one thing I've learned again is that it's better to just express what you feel, not building smokestacks. Trying to be nice to someone if you don't really feel it can backfire, sometimes in a big way.
Just some updates. I've finally figured out how to properly get this blog software to reside under my preferred url, blog.timothyhumphrey.name, so comments should work correctly now. If not send me an email by using the Contact link at top; assuming I haven't broken that too :).
I've selected about 10 songs for my first DJ mix, which might come in at a bit over an hour I guess. I've been changing some of the songs on it but I'm finally beginning to settle on the playlist. I won't dare say what the tracks are since I want that to be a surprise :). It's definitely a progressive house, progressive trance set I'll say. I'm totally digging the tracks I'm choosing for it. Now I just have to get down into the nitty-gritty and actually mix them. Fun stuff. I'm so excited, I have always wanted to do this!
The teams are in India this week. India is always crowded, what with a billion people here.
There are two camps now: Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly, and the other three teams. The two teams I just identified are usually in the top two spots so the other teams apparently are jealous of them and don't want to talk to them. In any case each camp, which I'll dub Winners for Rob's camp and Losers for the other, each camp shares info with and helps each other out throughout this leg while excluding the other.
So we're in jolly old India with a billion people and probably half as many cows. I'm writing this a day late so forgive me if I forget some things -- but surely you're not reading this for the most comprehensive recap, are you?
Things get interesting as soon as the teams land as they have to get a cab and even this activity is an opportunity for the locals to rip you off. Uchenna & Joyce were kind of smart and talked to people on the plane who told them to go to a particular counter and get a prepaid taxi which cost them 330 rupees, or whatever the local currency is. The Winners actually got in India about 20 minutes before Uchenna's team though so they don't know about this and go to the ticket window to get a taxi; they end up paying around 400 CU (Currency Units) -- I'm going to call the local currency CU from now on since I'm too lazy to go to Google and look up what the currency is. So the Winners get ripped off. The Losers land and except for Uchenna & Joyce they have a hell of a time trying to get a taxi; they end up paying around 500 CU. (Note to self, when in India get a prepaid taxi.)
So after this obstacle the teams face their first obstacle, a Road Block :). There's a Yield in front of it though and dumb Ron & Kelly decide not to yield Rob & Amber. They will soon learn the error of their ways when, although they get to the Road Block first, the guardian angels helping team Rob & Amber enable them to complete the task sooner. Dumb mistake Ron & Kelly. The actual obstacle is to find a clue amongst a pile of steel, or aluminum, boxes. I thought it was steel but some of the teams were throwing the boxes around like they weighed next-to-nothing so I'm not sure about steel; aluminum is lighter ya know. But then again, steel is supposedly pretty light so maybe it was steel; I don't remember hearing about an aluminum mill on this episode so it must've been steel. Yeah, okay.
Gretchen does the challenge for her team and she has a hard time completing it but eventually she does. I'm singling her out to talk about now because something very strange happens during this show: this team are treated like celebrities! They may be old but that doesn't stop the Indian youths from following and cheering them on, even asking for their autograph. What is up with this! The show never explains this little oddity.
In an effort to keep this somewhat short I'll just surmise everything else by saying the teams deliver tea to a building, rather than break coal like slaves. When they get to the mat to checkin, surprise surprise, it's not the end! Hahaha, instead we have a big "To Be Continued" sign come on. Well frak me...
Or maybe the underground layer of the personality. Much like how there are certain bodily functions that can, shall we say, putrefy and stink up the place, there are analogs in other areas. Mental and / or emotional issues that lie beneath the surface, there but yet unseen. They have an affect whether seen or not; things bubble up to the surface for you to take notice of. (Heh, I ended my sentence with a preposition :P). They continue to function as they do, spewing gases up for you to take a whiff of. (Heh, I did it again :P). Maybe you wonder from whence they come from, these mysterious vapors and apparitions; issues that recur seemingly from nowhere. PigPen had a noxious cloud following him around, but at least he could see it and it was no mystery :).
For better or worse I'm a jealous guy. There are two sides of me in this regard. One side knows that the "right" thing is to not be jealous and to give the other person freedom to live her life as she pleases, but the other side of me is the side that wants to defy logic, it's the jealous side. I should probably title this entry "Attachment" because that's one of the roots of this jealousy.
It all starts when I get attached to a girl, or maybe just my idea of what we have together. It's a fantasy world that I live in, it really is; these ideas I have of us. I act and behave based on this constructed world. I think she will do certain things, say certain things. But then, she doesn't, and when she doesn't it surprises me. If I were really looking at her and the things she actually said or did there wouldn't be much hint that she would act the way I had been expecting. But in living in this fantasy world, I don't truly see her. Her being in this world of make-believe allows me to form attachments to her in the real world that wouldn't normally occur.
There's definitely a disconnect between me and reality, that's for sure.
Sometimes I wonder if it's true: that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. These attachments which I seem so readily predisposed to forming are killer. They're directly related to my Hope entry. If I were to never get close to someone I would never form attachments, and if I never form attachments then there's nothing to be broken, nothing that can hurt me. Sad, isn't it; this thinking.
Getting a handle on this urge to be jealous is something I'll have to work on, it seems almost uncontrollable. Maybe I should just express it, instead of trying to deny or control it in order to maintain some sense of being nice. But I don't want to push the people I care about away... But at the same time it's killing me on the inside denying who I am, a jealous person...
At times I ponder on whether I've designed my life in such a way as to force me to address this issue. Maybe there's some relation to this jealous predisposition I have and me being alone. I've become quite adept at being alone. Probably a good thing considering I'm so jealous, maybe it is the best thing for me.
Bah, hope sucks. Even hope is an expectation, an expectation that things will be better. I have to learn to not have hope, it is an expectation after all, and like all expectations I've come to realize it can destroy you. Hope is sometimes insidious, it raises your mood to a certain point, makes you think things will be such and such way, but if you're not in reality, looking at things as they are and not as you want them to be, it can all come crashing down. And that's because hope is itself an expectation.
I'm not being overly negative, just not overly positive. It's just a point I want to clarify.
When I have bad days I contemplate more; maybe it's a survival technique, I remove myself from the world some. There was a confluence of events today that set me off: it was colder today, cloudy, and I didn't feel a part of the group I was in in my Spanish class. It's kind of odd to be in class sometimes, I'm 27 and my group members today were probably 19 or 20. Heh, not too long ago I was a part of that age group, but now I look at it and sometimes I feel like I'm not.
It's an interesting experience, to be on the fringes of that college-aged group. One thing that I notice a lot is that by and large people don't change much: the way a lot of people acted when I was 20 is how a lot of the kids act now who are 20. I'm even calling them kids now, haha. Truth be told though I do interact fairly well in the class so I'm not saying they're ignoring me, it's just today with the particular group I was in I didn't have much to say I guess.
When I get in moods like this sometimes I imagine myself floating above the trees and seeing the forest I'm in. Maybe this helps to put things into perspective for me... I think of myself as an observer of life a lot, I don't live it too much. I live vicariously through others.
I've come across information stating there's a kind of social library for us here on Earth, called the Akashic Records I believe. My understanding of it is that it's a repository of sorts for every thing we know: you experience something, it goes there. If each person is a tree, then rising beyond the individual perspective you see there's a forest which each tree is a part of. Kind of neat to think I could be adding to this library. It would have to be a very rich and colorful library, considering humanity.
A coworker brought in a Soviet coat he bought at a supply store for $25. Even though it's spring, and warm, I decided to parade around at work in it to see how I looked; and what reactions I got. Most people thought it was amusing to see me in it but there was at least one American patriot who was not altogether pleased :). What gives, it's just a really heavy wool coat. Anyway, I thought it was funny; maybe I should have a caption contest, hehe.
And yes, I can laugh.
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