May 2005 - Posts
It is possible to accept everything I realize, it is a choice to or not to. The interesting thing is that sometimes the making of the choice is not a conscious activity. It can seem automatic that one accepts or does not accept something. In my considerations of this however I've come to realize that even the things I actively have decided to not accept I can. I realized that I was actively choosing not to and therefore it was possible to actively choose to, and this is the choice. It would be difficult to say exactly how I came upon this realization. Perhaps it was due to me so actively resisting something I naturally became aware of my dislike: my dislike was intense enough for me to realize it wasn't an automatic choice.
And that's when I realized that it is possible to accept anything. I became aware of the natural draw and attraction I have to everything. I didn't pay so much attention to those things I've always felt an affinity to, rather those things I've felt repelled from. That! That was fascinating, because it was different, to be attracted to something I never used to be. I simply had to allow it, not resist the attraction. Perhaps this sounds like more new age bullshit, but what can I say, sometimes people are right.
It is somewhat unnerving though, to start liking those things that I've actively resisted for so long. In all the years that I've been alive I've built myself up, the things I claim to not like. I've invested a part of my identity into my creations, the parts of me that say, "I don't like this." To then start liking those things is to undo all of my effort over the years; not a very appealing thought. I've become attached to my collected trinkets, my collection of likes and dislikes; to part with them would be like letting go of a part of myself that has been with me for a long time.
So far this year has been one of tremendous introspection, more so than is typical for even my normally introspective self. I'm starting to get a feel for my inner self in the same way that I have a feel for my physical self. Kind of like when I was a kid and was developing my motor skills, gaining use of my body; I feel like I'm doing the same but with my emotional body. I've just become aware of this, I mean literally as I'm writing this, but it's what I feel. I suppose my explorations into my jealous nature is shining light over the more hidden and dark areas of my personality, making them known to me. As a result I know myself. Hmm, another interesting realization I just had as I'm writing this.
I mentioned festering of emotions in another post and it seems so applicable now. That's what happens when you leave certain areas of your personality unattended to, they still make themselves known. I remember when I was a kid I discovered the handheld mirror. The idea hit me that I could use it and another mirror to see the back of myself, an area that just didn't exist to me as much because I couldn't see it. But once I discovered a way of viewing it I felt like I finally had a complete picture of myself.
I've been pretty bored as of late, can you tell by the empty blog! I've been catching up on my Civilization 3 game playing. The evil Carthaginians fell under the might of my mighty Mongol Keshiks and the Persians, though quite powerful, couldn't keep up with my tech advances and my Destroyers began pounding their shores with reckless abandon :).
Anyway, after that I got bored and was trying to find something else to do. After taking some long cat naps my attention shifted to actually working on mixing my DJ set. I'm learning more about mixing. Today I learned about equalizer crossfading. A problem I've run into is that even when crossfading oftentimes the bass of one song just overpowers the next, so being able to deemphasize a portion of a song while still crossfading is neat. And timing is everything! Cue points help in this regard but you really just have to get a feel for when to bring in the next song. Now I see why DJs are so focused on the turntables while mixing: you have to be very attentive to what's playing, the bass levels, tempo, loops, and just finding the right moment to bring in the next song. But I've got the DJing bug so I'm going to produce my own set.
There comes a point in a person's life, perhaps, where the road they've been walking on comes to an end. It ceases to be. What has been followed so diligently up until then can no longer be followed. The path well-traveled becomes the path no-more.
Where to go, which direction to take?
This is the choice that inevitably awaits those who follow a path that is smoothly paved, a path that is easy to travel upon. At some point those that laid down the road stopped and finished. The end of the road isn't necessarily the end of everything, just the end of that path. Beyond the smoothly-paved road what lies beyond? There are no roads to follow, and perhaps no path of any kind whether paved or not. On open field of existence and opportunity. Tall grasses, stones, trees, mud, rivers. They certainly exist. Perhaps no easily discernible path to them but they exist; what lies beyond any path exists.
The cycle of existence.
Who are the road builders, the path makers, what can be called trailblazers? They are people, they exist -- or did at one point. There was no path before them, but there was after.
Fun day for me. Went to a theme park for a few hours with a good friend of mine. It was supposed to be a threesome but the other person couldn't make it. My personality really opens up when I'm with a comfortable crowd, or in this case even just one person. I'm normally a reserved and introverted person but today I was a chatterbox and outgoing, even struck up a small conversation with people I didn't even know.
After the park I went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. I must say, freakin' awesome movie! I'm not quite the diehard fan of the Star Wars saga that some people are but I still really love it. It's weird watching this movie because you already know what's going to happen but you just want to actually see it, how it actually plays out: how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. Episodes 1 & 2 probably disappointed a lot of people but I don't see how this one can, you must watch this!
I wore my contacts today for the first time in a long time. In case you don't know I'm engaged in an attempt to restore my vision. I normally wear my glasses so that I can have more opportunities to take them off and practice seeing with my naked eyes. Wearing my contacts today I realized how much I really want to see clearly without needing prescription lenses. The world is so much brighter and crisper, don't have to worry about breaking my glasses, and no worries about maintaining my contacts. I want to see clearly! And I will.
I really want to move back to a city. I grew up in one but ended up in a medium sized town because of the university I went to. Being in a larger city today just made me realize what all I've been missing: all the people and places, things to do; I miss that stuff. I felt alive being amongst it all, I didn't want to go back home, the drive back was depressing; such a small place I live in. I guess I've gotten what I wanted from this place and that's why this urge to move back to a large city is growing.
I once got a spam message that was very interesting, it had a bunch of cool sayings -- or mad ramblings, take your pick. What was odd about it is that it didn't even pitch any product! No promises of a bigger penis, no appeals to help a Nigerian prince launder money, no promises of a bigger penis! I got the message approximately 5 months ago in December. Because it was so unusual I saved it. My thoughts have been coming back to it recently, it seems to have relevance to me now, so I thought I'd share it.
From: Foreigner V. Truthful [email@example.com]
Date: December 15, 2004
Subject: You don't know me from Adam. :)
Show me a character whose life arouses my curiosity, and my flesh begins crawling with suspense.
No such thing as a man willing to be honest --that would be like a blind man willing to see.Life is measured by the rapidity of change, the succession of influences that modify the being.
Facts and truth really don't have much to do with each other.The love boat has crashed against the everyday.Courtship -- A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.
The laws of probability, so true in general, so fallacious in particular. One man's folly is often another man's wife.
A fool think he needs no advice, but a wise man listens to others.
It is a terrible thing to look over your shoulder when you are trying to lead -- and find no one there.
Think where man's glory most begins and ends, And say my glory was I had such friends.Old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
You're never a loser until you quit trying.
Faith! he must make his stories shorter or change his comrades once a quarter.
Talk well of your friends and of your enemies say nothing.
To be ignorant of the lives of the most celebrated men of antiquity is to continue in a state of childhood all our days.
I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
The more defects a man may have, the older he is, the less lovable, the more resounding his success.
I went running barefoot last Saturday and didn't pay attention to the pain I felt in my felt, it felt like little tiny rocks were embedded in my foot. Turns out I had blisters on both feet and was just making things worse by continuing to walk on them; at least I had sense enough to stop running. Yesterday I noticed the main blister on my left food, on the pad behind my big toe, was well enough to walk on even though it still looks kind of bruised.
Went skating yesterday without wrist guards like I normally wear. It felt freeing to have unrestricted use of my hands :P. Also, I copied a technique I saw another skater use and that's to skate down a hill with the arms folded back. I used to keep mine in front kind of like my hands were cutting the wind, but I think I went faster with my arms behind me.
Yesterday powerful emotions welled up in me again. Because this blog is visited by those in question I'll remain more mum about this. Suffice to say I hurt myself. I think I'll write about crossroads at a later time since this seems to be where I'm at right now.
Although it's probably fairly obvious to anyone, everyone is unique: everyone is different in just such and such way to make him/her a unique individual, no one else to be found quite like you. What's recently started to fascinate me though is just that, this uniqueness. I first noticed this newfound fascination of mine as I started wondering why I myself act in particular ways. I noticed that I was a dreamer, I noticed that I have natural inclinations to act in particular ways, and then it just dawned on me that certain behaviors are just natural to me; innate. Other people act in ways other than I. Not everyone has the same natural inclinations to act in the same ways that I do. Some people truly do have natural inclinations to do the things that I might be afraid to do. Fascinating. It is not a struggle in any way for them to do things that might cause me great difficulty. Intriguing.
Now, what is quite natural to me is, at this point, to ask the question of why. What element of a person, what quality is it, that makes me, say, more nervous to go out to a party but compels another to do this. It is innate, it is nothing forced in the other person whereas at it may be so to me. And likewise, my natural drive to question and to ponder may be quite alien to another and they may find it quite challenging to do so. Perhaps not challenging as in difficulty in doing this, but just challenging in finding the desire. Desire. Is that it I wonder?
Desires drive people to action. I have a desire to question, it is natural, I don't have to do much to have to have this desire, it is just, there. Likewise, another person might have a desire to go out and meet people, it is not a desire that has to be worked upon, it is just there within the person; innate. If desire truly is that aspect that drives a person to do something it stands to reason then that working upon a desire to do something will affect the person's willingness to do whatever it is that they want to do.
Upon consideration of how to affect desire at least two actions come to mind. One, fill the mind and heart with thoughts of the desire, in effect permeating the cells of the body, saturating the essence of the self with thoughts of the desire, like an aphrodisiac. It's not enough to simply think of the desire it must be felt as well, taken into the heart, steeping the soul in the desire. Two, remove any barriers that may impede the natural desire within the self. The first action may be likened as an active approach, the second more passive. The passive approach also presumes that whatever desire is desired lies within the self and that if it is not as strong as desired that blocks have been created by the individual. In this case it is a matter of understanding why the block has been erected in the first place and then removing it. Either approach though, active or passive, is available in working upon desire.
Sometimes I toy with the idea that if I leave people's lives they'll miss me. It's an alluring thought. It can be interpreted as someone thinking about you since when you're not around they still have you in their thoughts. As true or not as that may be, people's lives do go on, with or without you. I'll admit when I think of someone I care about missing me I also wish that their life would grind to a halt. I know that's not really nice. It's a perversion of wanting someone to miss me, a very extreme version of someone missing me: if their life stops, I reason, they must really miss me. But, everyone's life goes on, marches on to the tune of infinity. In the end we all live our own lives, in some sense then we're all ultimately alone. Mi vida no es su vida.
I have a profile setup at OKCupid: it's another online matching service but it uses funny questions submitted by users and even more interesting online quizzes, again submitted by users to match you up. I like it there, it's very interesting. One of the main tests there is the OKCupidTest which is basically a personality assessment test. I got the Boy Next Door type which is the "nice guy" type. There are four different aspects in determining your personality with that test and one is the dreamer / master aspect. The Boy Next Door Type is the dreamer end of that aspect, so that makes me a dreamer. I didn't really like this assessment that much given the description of it, I mean who wants to be a nice guy. But the more I started being honest with myself and who I am I realized I am a dreamer.
I dream of possibilities, I live in a world of possibilities, I hardly follow any one possibility because I'm fascinated by them all. If I go in any one particular direction then I won't be able to follow any of the others. I don't actually tell myself that continuously but I have become aware that this is something I do, on a subconscious level I guess. The world of the dreamer...
As much as I'm enthralled by this cornucopia of choice it frightens me too because the reality of a choice is much different than the idea of it. I think for the most part over the years I've been getting myself comfortable with following up on any choice I make, getting comfortable with myself, understanding what it is that I really want. I can say that by and large I'm comfortable in my own skin, I am who I am and I'm happy with myself.
Well, it's been one hell of a ride but all things come to an end. I won't keep you in suspense by making you wait to find out who the winners of the Amazing Race are. It's...
Hahahaha! Ah, I can be funny sometimes, can't I ;). Okay, this is the second to final leg and my memory is hazy as hell. The teams are leaving England on their way to Jamaica, I believe it is. The teams all got more than $600! If you're a frugal spender you can come out of this race rich even if you lose :P. I really couldn't tell you exactly everything that happens here but the teams having to build a bamboo raft is one of the more interesting highlights. Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly get there before Uchenna & Joyce do but guess who finishes their raft first? Yep, you guessed it: Uchenna & Joyce. Working together as a team really really really helped them out. On the contrary, Ron & Kelly's bickering slowed them down and made them leave last. I never would've guessed that team bickering could have such an affect, but it does; and in Ron & Kelly's case it is subtle. Time that could be spent tying knots, or just whatever is needed is instead spent talking to the other person. A few seconds here, an exasperated pause there adds up to minutes behind the other teams.
Eventually we end up with the teams racing in taxis -- which look like minibuses to me, but oh well, they're taxis. Uchenna & Joyce end up in a good lead, at first. Their lead is even sweeter because Rob & Amber get held up at a police checkpoint by The Man but the other two teams sail right through. Heh, of all the people the cops pull over it's Godfather Rob :P. Rob & Amber make it through and their driver is fast so they catch up with the other two teams. Both teams are behind Uchenna & Joyce but close enough to notice that their rear driver side wheel is getting flat, and a pothole or large rock is enough to pop it. And guess what? Yep, it pops; flat tire for Uchenna & Joyce. What a setback, and on the way to the pit stop for this leg too! As has been typical, Ron & Kelly and Rob & Amber get on the mat at about the same time, literally seconds from each other. But, Ron & Kelly get there first but they got no reward or anything like Rob & Amber got last time! WTF!!!! Grrr. Moving on... Uchenna & Joyce get to the mat last and of course this being down to the last three teams the show isn't about to have the last leg be a two team affair, so this is a non-elimination round. They lose all their shit.
The next leg starts off with the teams getting $400, lots-o-money rolling around :P. Well, Uchenna & Joyce get nothing since they came in last at the last leg. Starting from now on this episode will be the Uchenna & Joyce "Hour of Power". Praise Him, amen, can I get an amen!! Oh wait, I'm not Christian. Many miracles shall befall these two. So these two have nothing but the clothes on their backs. Their first setback lies in them having to drive away from the next destination and instead towards the airport. They decide to do this in order to find more people to hit up for money. A kind man offers to drive them to the airport from the pit stop; miracle #1. They get to the airport and have a tough time begging for money, the show even shows some people being kind of rude and just telling them good luck. Really that's not too rude considering that strangers are begging for money, but I guess I feel this way because by now I know Uchenna & Joyce are really nice people so it sucks to see the callousness directed at them.
Eventually they get enough money to attempt to get a taxi. They actually don't have enough money to get to their destination from the airport but they plead their case to the driver and he accepts; miracle #2. So they get to destination and they have to chop 50 onions, bleh. Not having any money they don't have much water to drink to help them but they persevere and get through it, all the while being hopeful. They hail another taxi driver but now they are dead broke, but they plead their case and he accepts to drive them to their next destination, which is in Puerto Rico, for free; miracle #3. At the destination all the teams meet up because the attraction doesn't open until 7, I think, in the morning. So after being so far behind the front two teams Uchenna & Joyce catch up. This isn't so much of a miracle like the others, but it's not like we're counting here so what the hell, miracle #4, hahaha.
Inside this attraction lies a Road Block which requires a member from each team to free fall 30 feet from a bridge into a lake. Uchenna does it, Ron does it, but Amber gets confused and runs down the hill rather than plunge. This is a minor screwup for team Rob & Amber but hardly anything slows this team down. Amber is so exhausted from having to swim in the Road Block that she can't run to their car so Rob has her hop on his back and he carries her to the car, coolness. All teams get to the airport but Rob is a good driver and picks a toll booth with a short line so he ends up beating the other teams. At the airport Rob manages to find a flight that lands at the next country an hour and a half earlier than the generally available flight. Uchenna & Joyce get said generally available flight but wisely investigate other flights. They eventually track down the flight Rob & Amber got on but as they find it the runway is being pulled back from the plane so it would seem they are shit out of luck. But amazingly they plead their case again and the pilot of the plane agrees to let them on so the runway is then extended back to the plane, and they are also given time to buy tickets which they didn't even have when they asked to get on! This is the miracle to bind all miracles folks, miracle #5 with two snaps up! Rob & Amber see the runway antics from their seats on the plane and are understandably dismayed to see Uchenna & Joyce get on. At this point Ron & Kelly are out of contention.
So now they're going to Miami, Florida; site of the last stand. Now it's just a race between Rob & Amber and Uchenna & Joyce. The turning point in the race comes from information given to each team as they try to find the next destination. The information given to Rob & Amber is wrong, the information given to Uchenna & Joyce is correct. Should this count as a miracle? What the hell, miracle #6 :). So Uchenna & Joyce get the final clue first, directing them to the finish line. It should be noted that they are still pretty much broke but the taxi driver drives them to the finish line. They're short about $50 but the entrance to get into the area containing the finish line is right next to them. If this were Rob & Amber you can be sure they would've just ran in there and claimed victory over a million dollars, but this isn't Rob & Amber, this is Uchenna & Joyce. These two decide to beg again to get enough money to pay the taxi driver before claiming the victory. It is a very good thing Rob & Amber had bad info from before because it slowed them up, slowed them up so much in fact it allowed Uchenna & Joyce enough time to not only beg for $50 but still have time to spare upon claiming victory. So yes, even though my blog logs indicated an unusual number of searches for Uchenna & Joyce winning months ago, they are now the official winners of the Amazing Race!
Hahahaha, before I close this wonderful commentary of the Amazing Race I have to mention that a lot of teams were literally praying for Uchenna & Joyce to win! Well, at least one, I'm sure Alex & Lynn were praying as much for Rob & Amber not to win as anything else :P. Ya' know, given all the miracles that happened for Uchenna & Joyce, 6 at last count, hehe, you kind of have to wonder, did the prayers from the vanquished teams propel Uchenna & Joyce to victory? The world, may never know :).
And with those parting words, my dear readers, my commentary on the Amazing Race is over. I hope you've enjoyed reading with me, all 1 of you, as much as I've enjoyed honing my writing skills blogging about it :).
Highland - No Way Out (Orchid & Narcose Remix)
I've been playing this song continuously over the past couple of days, I really love it. It's dreamy enough to console me and help me take my mind off things. Of course this is just a 30 second clip and not the full song :)
This blog of mine is going to become my new best friend, my online diary.
I noticed today how much I really like having a friend, someone to talk to. It was something I never used to have but once I got a taste of it it became addictive; I craved it and didn't even realize it at first. Now I can barely get my friend's attention. This other person has just moved in so completely I'm crowded out. It wouldn't be so bad if I had other friends to lean on, and I do have some, but none like her; she really has become my best friend. That's why it hurts so. I was used to eating dirt, being alone, but being with her has been like feasting on a 5-star meal. Now I get table scraps; better than the dirt that I was eating but nowhere near what I had. I get the occasional meal though, but it seems like I have to scream for it and who likes that.
Sigh. I'm clingy I bet. Since she's my best friend it's hard to let go. The more I see them together though the more I realize how much more alike they are. They laugh more, have more fun, have more common interests, how can I compete. Not that I have to, but it just sucks to realize I'm not captivating anymore. I'm good enough the way I am I tell myself, but it stings when you realize who you are is no longer as desirable to the person you care about. Sigh, the pain of rejection, is there anything worse.
I'm supposed to be a guy, and guys don't cry. Heh, yeah right. I feel like crying over this, and I have sometimes. I used to not be so emotional before her, but now I am. Maybe I should thank her for focusing on someone else; I'm more emotional because of it, haha. Maybe I'm just overreacting to all of this. Maybe maybe maybe. This is just how I feel right now, that's all it is.
I read a story on the Internet about some new fancy shoe Adidas has made. What struck me though wasn't the shoe so much, but a comment that was included in the story. The shoe was trying to promote better foot health, speed, yadda yadda, but this guy said runner's feet would be much better off if they ran barefoot. I had never heard of that before, nor even thought of doing that before, but the more I started thinking and reading about it the more it made sense. We always wear shoes on our feet, thinking they need that protection when we run, but who's to say they do need that? I read on the Internet about running barefoot and I was really intrigued by it.
Being able to feel the ground with my feet is so lovely and my legs are actually getting stronger from doing this; apparently I'm using muscles I haven't used before. It does take a while to get used to doing this though because my feet are all soft from wearing socks and shoes all my life :). I will say that when running barefoot I don't run the same way as when I run with shoes. With shoes I tended to just jam my feet down on the ground, but going barefoot that hurts! But, because I can feel the ground better I've learned to adjust my gait. Now I don't slam my feet down, instead I kind of lightly touch the ground with my heel and toes. At first running on grass was best, but now, amazingly enough, running on asphalt isn't much of a problem anymore. I do have to watch the ground more to make sure I don't run on something sharp, but the foot can withstand a lot, more than I thought it could. Running barefoot is definitely a diamond in the rough for foot health.
I was thinking about my friend and how I'm losing her right before my eyes. I had my usual suicidal tendency, although now I don't pay much attention to it. But, I started thinking to myself, what I if were immortal and never died, how would I solve my problem. Obviously suicide would be out of the question :P. So what would I do? I didn't have any answers then but that thought did make me more resolved to solve my problems rather than running away which has been typical for me. I am here, I exist, I will always exist in some form or fashion. So what to do, what to do... I will have to find some resolution to this all, that I am now sure of.
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