June 2005 - Posts
How long has it been since I went out to a club!? Heh, like I know, it's been so long I wonder if I have ever been to a club before :). I got an invite from a college friend of mine that he was going to be doing standup comedy and he wanted me to come out. Since I haven't seen him in so long I wanted to come out, but doing so would require me to leave my comfort zone. Well, I did go and it was an experience for me.
I had thought of asking the girl I'm presently infatuated with, but now I'm glad I didn't :P. I asked another friend if he could come but he was busy so I just went alone. I was actually torn on whether to even go, you know my comfort zone, but I decided if I'm ever to get past it taking advantage of opportunities like this was essential; after all, you can only think of doing something for so long, at some point you have to just do it.
I had been tired all day so when I got home I took a 30 minute nap and ate dinner before heading out. I could've eaten there but according to the club's web site the entrées were around $30; fuck that. If I were with a date maybe, but going alone and just to see a friend, nope. Anyway, Google Maps estimates the place is about 36 minutes from me so I really rush myself to get there at 9pm, the supposed start time -- more on that later. I wolf down my food in a record breaking 30 minutes, record for me :P. So I shave, get dressed, eat a few Listerine Pocket Paks to calm my breath, and away I go. I'm speeding as much as I'm willing to go and I get there around 9. Oh shit, I think! I'm late, I think!
I walk in and the bouncer's dress immediately tips me off I'm so in the wrong place. Oh it's the right club, but wrong for me. I'm over 21 and he frisks me and confirms I carry no deadly weapons. I don't have a ticket so I have to pay the door price of $15. Geez, fuckin' cover charges... I get in and this is a Black club I notice. To those that don't know I am myself Black but I almost universally associate with White people; don't ask me why I just do. Since it's been so long since I've been to a club I try, and stress try, to look cool, but wearing dressy slacks and a nice buttoned shirt makes me stand out like a sore thumb. Geez...
There are no single seat tables, the best I spot seats 8 people, great. I sit down and feel kind of lacking not having anyone to talk to, no drink in hand either. I go to the bar and get a Corona and I'm out $5. I think to myself it's a very very good thing I decided to start paying with cash at the farmer's market I go to, otherwise I wouldn't have had the $15 I spent to get in and the $5 on the drink; I now have $2 in cash. I go to my table and wait, and wait, and wait. Now this may sound weird to some, but I notice a few women checking me out but I myself want to be invisible. I claim to want a relationship but I do this...
The acts are mostly comedians except for one singing group that reminds me why I don't listen to R&B anymore: way too much wailing for me to enjoy. My friend that I came to see was the fourth act to appear and sadly he was eaten alive. At one point someone even told him to turn off the microphone, geez, tough crowd. I should mention that although the web site lists some pretty expensive and gourmet entrées, tonight the fare is a $7 plate of chicken and mashed potatoes :P. I don't mean to sound like a hater of my own race, but I really have just drifted from the lifestyle so I feel free to rag on it :P. Anyway since my table is near the food three ladies sit at my table since it's just me. I occasionally glanced at them when a comedian said something but mostly I didn't strike up a conversation. Actually, I found their shouts abrasive and kind of scary / repulsive even though two of them were attractive. I was also just afraid of embarrassing myself trying to talk to them since they were in their pack of three :). I guess the comedy didn't do much for me since, on the whole for the entire night, it was vulgar and at the end, violent.
When I leave I encourage my friend even though the crowd was tough. I get lost trying to get home and end up going down a one way street the wrong way, oops. There was a guy on the street that even yelled at me. What an adventure. Well, at least I actually did it, and that is itself a cool thing for me.
I was thinking about what I wrote about last time, concerning contemplation and the thought I had hit upon: the intentions are irrelevant, the effects are the same. Not that this is true in every circumstance but the thought itself was so understood by me that it seemed to seep into the roots or essence of who I am, it wasn't just a thought, it became something else. Ra has described the mind as like a tree and that day I began to understand why. That thought became supremely accepted by me and traveled from being on the surface to something deep within me, something that I can now feel. It no longer needs to be thought to be in my awareness, it has fused with my awareness; it has become a feeling. This is something that will reverberate across the entire spectrum of who I am, affecting me all. It's a diamond formed from the pressure and heat of life itself. The essence of who I am has transformed.
On another, less contemplative, note. The moment I mentally decided to write this post the lights in my house dimmed, enough to where I thought my computer would shut off. Although it had rained hours ago there was no weather activity outside that could cause this. This is actually the second time this has happened to me. The last time I discovered an entity known as Elias was communicating with me, perchance he's doing it again :). That would be the coolest thing actually. I've always wanted and look forward to contact from across the veil.
I haven't been writing as much as of late because I've been contemplating a couple of things: unintentionally hurting the people I care about and modifying my wants to be in harmony with others. I posted something here that hurt someone I care about, and though it was not my intention for this to happen, nevertheless it did. I removed the post and haven't had much urge to write since. Yesterday I spent pretty much the entire day sleeping and contemplating my actions. The one thing I gained the most from doing that was the thought, "The intention is irrelevant, the effect is the same." Basically, a person can still be hurt by your actions whether you intend for them to be or not. I spent most of the day contemplating this thought and didn't spend much time on the topic of harmonious interactions with others.
I feel like I'm in a void at the moment: I exist but I don't have a direction. Just floating along in the sea of life.
I've been learning something from playing the game of Hearts lately; the card game. The rules of the game are to get the lowest score possible so avoidance of receiving points is the goal. However there is one twist to the game such that if you get all the point cards in a hand you receive no points and all the other players receive maximum points. The rules of the game then setup a condition whereby in certain combination of cards dealt a choice is made apparent: to play the game as is usually played and avoid getting points or give it your all to try and get all the points. Some hands are such that it becomes extremely difficult to avoid getting points and thus the choice must be made as to how to play the game. Such is the game of life at times.
From The Law of One, Book II, Session 50
Questioner: Can you expand on the concept which is that it is necessary for an entity, during incarnation in the physical as we know it, to become polarized or interact properly with other entities and why this isn’t possible in between incarnations when the entity is aware of what he wants to do. Why must he come into an incarnation and lose conscious memory of what he wants to do and then act in a way in which he hopes to act?
Ra: I am Ra. Let us give the example of the man who sees all the poker hands. He then knows the game. It is but child’s play to gamble, for it is no risk. The other hands are known. The possibilities are known and the hand will be played correctly but with no interest.
In time/space and in the true color green density, the hands of all are open to the eye. The thoughts, the feelings, the troubles, all these may be seen. There is no deception and no desire for deception. Thus much may be accomplished in harmony but the mind/body/spirit gains little polarity from this interaction.
Let us re-examine this metaphor and multiply it into the longest poker game you can imagine, a lifetime. The cards are love, dislike, limitation, unhappiness, pleasure, etc. They are dealt and re-dealt and re-dealt continuously. You may, during this incarnation begin—and we stress begin—to know your own cards. You may begin to find the love within you. You may begin to balance your pleasure, your limitations, etc. However, your only indication of other-selves’ cards is to look into the eyes.
You cannot remember your hand, their hands, perhaps even the rules of this game. This game can only be won by those who lose their cards in the melting influence of love, can only be won by those who lay their pleasures, their limitations, their all upon the table face up and say inwardly: “All, all of you players, each other-self, whatever your hand, I love you.” This is the game: to know, to accept, to forgive, to balance, and to open the self in love. This cannot be done without the forgetting, for it would carry no weight in the life of the mind/body/spirit being-ness totality.
- I was in some underground world of sorts, there were other people there. I was visiting people at various "stations". There was one in particular I was particularly interested in though the details of it escape me now. There was a general question that seemed to permeate the air of the place and it related to the people's motivations and degree of empathy with them, did I have enough. I was soon at the entrance to that place that fascinated me but something was different. I was aware that I was in 4th density now. I was amazed that the scenery looked much the same as before. Actually this place seemed redder than before, and not brownish, and this color somewhat seemed to reflect the vibe of the place. I remember thinking if I were in 4th density I would probably be more in-tune with people and know more of their feelings. I was going up to another level in the world but a crazy woman caught my eye, I kept asking myself what is she feeling. I don't remember a lot about this dream other than the 4th density part, I was excited and thrilled to be in it. I think Ia was there, but she appeared to me as Mary Render.
- It was around 5am and I had dim lights on in my place. Somehow I hit my couch in such a way that a covering on one end drooped down and wasn't even with the rest. I sat down and started thinking if Ia were here I would be keeping score of something like that.
I was going to my grandparent's house but since both of them are dead the house was inhabited by my uncle Jerome. There were other people with me going to see him as well, it seems like we were going to reconcile or something after years of not meeting. He was a bit reluctant to let us in, seemed somewhat wary, but he did. I remember that Jamika was one of the people with me. While going there we had left from a house nearby and were walking in the rain. Jamika had a large pink umbrella that seemed it could fit a four person family easily. Since she was shorter than me I took it from her and held it over both of our heads. The house we all left from was cold and drafty. I remembered feeling snow coming through open windows and the house was small.
Inside Jerome's house was different from the way my grandparent's had lived. He seemed to be okay once we were in and people started settling in in a way. I went to the kitchen to make a bowl of cereal but nearly all of the utensils were left out uncleaned. I managed to find a clean bowl but try as I might I could not find a clean spoon. I looked in the kitchen sink and there was a large pile of dirty utensils there. I reached in and got a spoon and started cleaning it.
There seemed to be a parallel action between this dream world and another with both affecting the other. At some point I was in this parallel dream world. The scenery seemed to fit ancient Greece in a way, the architecture, and the dream seemed to be taken out of stage 3 from the original Castlevania video game. I was in a large open field area with large granite walls in front of me arranged in a semicircle; there was no ceiling. I walked over to this granite wall structure and got a piece of heart, a powerup item from the Legend of Zelda games. As soon as I did the area started flooding as I had expected. I tried to get to as high a section as I could along the wall but it wasn't going to be enough. Eventually I was overtaken and I started flowing with the water and down a chute to a large underground cavern.
In the cavern was a large raised wall that I was standing on. It had a circular beginning that I was on and it extended for some ways. Below me were monsters, I was so high up on the wall that they looked really small. I had a weapon with me that I threw at them and it pretty much automatically selected them based on who I was thinking of and killed them. The weapon was a boomerang like weapon which was a lot like the glaive from the movie Krull. Even though it had sharp ends on it I was not afraid to catch it when it came back, it seemed to always arrange itself in such a way that I could catch it with no problem. It was semi-conscious, it was aware.
As I was walking and exploring along this raised wall I had to be careful not to fall off as it was very high up. There was a main large character that I was trying to kill. I would throw my weapon at his neck to try and sever it. He didn't seem to offer much defense against me, that or I was just that much more skilled than him. As I was doing this with this monster the scene would periodically shift to me being in Jerome's house. It seemed there was someone from Jerome's life that he wanted to hide us from, not for our protection but because if she saw us he would be scolded in some way. Back in the other world I was continuing to work away on this monster's neck. There were other protective monsters around him too, but I should say they weren't exactly monsters per se, they seemed more like political foes, but still not human looking. At some point I was able to kill it and I was in the other world again.
It was night and some people were sleeping. The dining room table had Jerome, myself, and three other younger people and we were about to eat a meal. It seemed a lot more peaceful and serene than the previous time I was in this world, there was no urgent sense to be hidden from someone. Later, after the meal, it's dark but the glow from the moon seems to shine in and light the area enough to see. There was a younger girl who was sleeping on her arms on the table. I was stroking her hair, happy to see her. She opened her eyes and they looked entirely blue and reptilian a bit, the pupil slits were yellow. It seemed an automatic response though as she closed them again soon after and she didn't seem to realize I was there. I was still stroking her hair, which was blond, and I kissed her on the cheek and then she opened her eyes and looked at me. This time she had human eyes.
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
I was out and about today for lunch. We have half days off at work during the summer on Fridays so I have a lot more lazy time to myself. I really meant to go shopping for a Total Gym 1500, a workout machine, but not finding it at Target I decided to try Wal-Mart. (I know, I could've checked a sports equipment store but none were in the particular area I was in.) So I get to Wal-Mart and I'm just kind of overtaken by this observational mood. It started at Target but by the time I got to Wal-Mart I was just so enamored with...everything. Recent events in my life have reached a kind of denouement, a plateau from which I'm finally able to see things from a better perspective; this feeling was carried over into the Wal-Mart parking lot today.
When I get inside I was looking at everything the way a child, enamored at everything his senses present to him, might perceive them. The TV monitor sitting up high showing a heart-warming message concerning dads and Father's Day, the stall of flowers to the right of me and the people huddled over them smelling them. I knew what I wanted in Wal-Mart, I wanted the Total Gym 1500! I knew where it would be so I walked at my usual brisk pace to the appropriate aisle. It's kind of fun walking the way I do because I feel like I'm in my car: speedily passing people by, dodging shopping carts. I slow down when I near my aisle, I'm kind of sure where the exercise equipment is at but not entirely. I start noticing people then, they're no longer a blur to me.
There's a guy I notice at the electronics section asking a cashier something. I notice him because he has big biceps, the kind of thing I want from my Total Gym 1500 -- oh, and yeah, I know this machine isn't good for muscle mass, but suspend your disbelief for a while :P. I notice other people too. There's an attractive lady in her 40s I spot. There's something about the South where I live that's distinctly noticeable in its inhabitants. Quite a few people here have been tanning in the sun a lot; people are a bit lazier and more laid back. It's something I've noticed before and undoubtedly something I'll notice again. Wal-Mart doesn't have the Total Gym 1500! Curses. So I head the other way to leave. On the way out I pass by a lady and her two kids. The kids are behaving in typical fashion I suppose: driving her crazy. One child says something to her to which she replies, "You must be out of your everliving mind." Ha, I used to hear that expression from the people around me when I was younger and now I'm hearing it again. 6 billion people on the planet, every person a unique formulation of energy, and yet I hear the same phrase uttered now as when I was a child...
I'm hungry now, it is lunchtime after all. I go to McAlister's and decide I'll actually eat in rather than take my meal home as I usually do. But my hands are dirty and I just can't eat with dirty hands. And here is where I'm amazed. I walk into the bathroom to wash my hands and a guy standing over a urinal to my right begins talking to me. He tells me today is his birthday, he's 28. I'm not sure why he's talking to me, but he does seem a bit permanently buzzed from a life of alcohol so I guess maybe that's why. He tells me that today is a great way to wake up and celebrate a birthday. He tells me that 6 years ago, when he was 21, he was in Bermuda -- or the Bahamas, I forget -- and that he can't believe he's 28. I don't bother correcting his math. He tells me his friends have planned on getting him drunk as hell tonight, getting him a stripper, and then his ex-girlfriend is going to cap the night off by fucking his brains out. Yep, sounds like fun if you ask me! :D He tells me that he's been with his ex-girlfriend for 2 years; a long time. He tells me that she said fucking him tonight is the least she can do for him saving her life last night. She was almost raped, he tells me, and he intervened. He spent a night in jail, he tells me, because of the altercation. It seems there's beef forming between him and the would-be rapist. He then tells me that her being okay is all that matters, I tell him yeah, people are all that really matter. He urinates and then I say "take it easy" and leave.
After ordering my food and finding an empty table I start people watching, that and just noticing. There's a table of teenage girls near me, the girls and a child. One of the girls looks pregnant, or at least I hope so, otherwise she's just fat :P. I start noticing again as I look at the overhead fans spin: I observe life more than I live it. This is a thought I've had repeatedly throughout my life. I then think today's lunch would be something cool to blog about. Maybe a future as a writer. I start thinking about poets and passionate literary figures from ages past. I want to be one of them. If I'm remembered at all upon death I want to be remembered as a writer. I start crying thinking of this. Not tears of sadness mind you, but tears of joy; happiness. It seems I thought something today that makes my heart cry with joy. I want to cry, I want to fall in love.
Me molesting Daphnie. She looks so clueless! Hahaha, but I love redheads :)
Today I sit alone on the top of the mountain, quiet, and in contemplation. I wish to do nothing and see every thing.
- Ia came to visit me at my present home. There were other people around in my house too making the entire visit seem like a party of sorts, a bit of a show I guess for her. I'm kind of hazy on the sequence of events but Ia left and came back with someone. I didn't quite realize who he was even though he wasn't hidden. Either that happened or he was already seated at the dining room table Ia and I were sitting at. In any case I was introduced to J. I thought it was the coolest thing actually. I immediately thrust my hand out for a handshake. He shook it but recoiled because I had a small section of jelly on my fingers. I was smiling and just kind of shrugged it off. I was kind of nervous meeting him, given me and the others were having fun with Ia earlier, but he and I fairly quickly hit it off. I remember something about our conversation turned to the other side of yellow and brown toast or something like that; maybe a yellow mushroom. The toast seemed to be gaseous or something about it seemed that way; it also seemed to be a bit of an inside joke between him and Ia as they were both playfully smiling. He and I continued to talk about that and a few other things. I remember I felt if I had his body structure in real life I would be a bit like him in real life. One funny thing in particular that happened involved her putting these masks over people and the people were breathing water as if it were air. Ia and the two guys she put masks on thought it was funny as well as everyone else.
- It was getting close to dark outside and I was driving to the Coliseum parking lot with the intent to skate. I parked and went to the back seat to begin putting my skates on. A Black guy came up to my car and started talking to me. I don't remember the specifics but he was a very curious guy, wanted to know seemingly everything about my life down to the lowest detail. I had impressed upon him that I needed to get ready to skate since I wouldn't have much light left. I didn't have my skates in the car, which is unusual, so I wasn't exactly sure if he believed me; they may have been in the trunk; but even that would be unusual. He left and almost as soon as he left S came up to my car on the passenger side, I was on the driver side. I opened the door and she came in and we started talking. Fairly soon after that the other guy came up again and he somehow ended up sitting in the driver's seat. He was S's ex although they both seemed to be friends and quite jovial with each other, just not quite at this moment; I thought they could return to dating given how they acted. He had come when he saw S's car and because he saw us talking, and I had previously basically asked him to leave because I needed to skate, he wanted to know what was going on. Neither I nor S seemed too upset with him, and even though I thought he was a bit too intrusive in asking the questions he did, I really didn't mind him.
S and I were talking and he mainly kind of sat there listening in intently, even while inspecting my car. I had my skates by that time and he was even asking me about the skates. Somehow it was brought up in the conversation that I was Ia's friend and then the guy mentioned that S was real close friends with P. This was news to me. Around this time the guy became less intrusive and more friendly towards S, suggesting the times they were dating as they were cracking jokes with each other. I didn't mind being the only friend of Ia's among the group and I felt happy to share her side of the events that took place between her and P. Since those two were friends of P they knew things from his perspective and sometimes I was surprised to hear them describe events the way they did since Ia described them very differently; they were equally surprised at my / Ia's view. We started talking about various events in the two's life. They even mentioned something about her Yahoo id which they had wrong. I told them the correct id but it wasn't hers in real life; it was three words connected by underscores. At some point it became sunny outside and I thought I had a real chance to skate so they both left. He got into a large green and gray SUV and was talking to me while he was in it. He had changed, he really wasn't the inquisitive ferret he was before, he seemed genuinely friendly now.
- This segment is related to the previous. I was in a city pound trying to recover my car. I was being taken back with a worker and was handed a key, it looked somewhat like my real key but was flatter and the end split apart. We walked down an aisle with cars on either side but none were mine. We then turned left in front of a conveyer belt that had cars on it which reminded me of the cars at the service center of my dealership. The operator of this was K and she seemed to be really enjoying her job. We never did find my car.
Balligomingo - Purify (Gus Gus Mix)
Songs take me back to the first moment I heard them, that or a moment in time where I really attached to the song because of some event in my life. This song takes me back to happier moments in my life, before all my current travails.
Self-fulfilling prophecies are those created when an observation of a potentiality is given sufficient energy and attention by the observer such that the observer acts as though it were the case. It is possible to observe and comment on the various probabilities which may make themselves apparent in a given situation. To then act in ways that assume a particular probability will occur sets the conditions for it to become the reality of the observer. This is because the elements necessary to give the probability the weight needed to be viewed as reality are provided by the observer. The probability is then chosen and shifts from being a probability to reality. This is the mechanism by which all reality is created. Labeling this action as "self-fulfilling prophecy" removes from consideration by the observer the choice involved in creating the reality.
There's a storm currently raging many miles away from me, Tropical Depression Arlene I believe it's called. Its location is somewhat amusing to me, going through Alabama, the source of my own personal storm. It's alternatively cloudy and sunny where I'm at though. It always looks really nice out when the clouds part I've noticed today. Perhaps being under gray skies for so long makes the appearance of sunnier firmaments especially sweet. Rays of the sun shine though the tail end of the remaining clouds. Sometimes the light reflects off the clouds amplifying the beauty of the light. Yes, the sky looks especially bright when the sun appears and breaks through the clouds, it's sweeter; perhaps, than a constantly sunny sky. What was can be seen next to what is; the beauty is then made apparent.
I need to clean my house, I've let it get somewhat messy and sloppy. Old mail is piling up, lint on the floor is coalescing enough to be noticeable; I've been slack. My attention just hasn't been on my own house! Hahaha. I live here too, what the hell... It's okay, modern-day inventions allow much of this to be cleaned up in short order. There comes a point when it is time to clean, to put everything in order. You know, if you know of Feng Shui you might be familiar with house energies and their flows. I'm not especially cognizant about this field of attention but I would imagine there is truth to it: the flow of energies in a home can be disrupted if there are things in its path. And let me tell you, there are things in my house blocking my path :)
Yeah, I'm being especially metaphorical in this post, but not quite so. What I've been referring to up till now means what it means but yet it also relates to other things I'm not directly mentioning. I've come to the end of a certain path in my life. The dark skies are parting, the sun is shining, the recognition of a culmination of events has taken place; it's time to clean. I've just about distilled all of the understandings I can from recent experiences. When the wine barrel is empty there is nothing left for it to give.
Do you like my writing, the way I shape and package my thoughts?
James Holden - Jase from Outta Space feat. Claire - Do What You Want (Infusion's Sky Mix)
It's a partly cloudy day outside, the view fixed on a street corner. It's midday and people are busily running their errands for the day. Cars honking, shouts from one driver to another. Two people are standing by a bench though. She looks distraught, crying almost, something she loved is gone and she fears it may never be hers again. He is standing over her, dressed in his gray trench coat. He comforts her as much as he can, knowing there isn't much he can do but be by her side. There's an affectionate look from the man; he cares for her. She looks down. What is missing is gone, but it is there; washed away into the gutter, a gutter right below her feet. She sees the item she's missing, the item she once longed for, now just out of her reach, maybe never to be seen again. The man may do nothing, he stands with her; perhaps, waiting for a moment.
The moment comes. She looks up and sees a man across the street. Her expression lifts, her cheeks are raised, she is smiling! There's a man who has a similar item that she thought she lost. No sentimental value with this new item, but it shines every bit as much as what she has lost, maybe more so. She smiles! She turns to her friend and smiles at him, glances at him; she is happy! She quickly turns away from him and runs exuberantly across the street to the man with the item she now wants.
His friend, her, she is within sight of him, but she isn't near. There is nothing he can do now; she is happy! He holds his hands up, palms down. He looks at the backs of his hands, he turns his hands over and looks at the palms of his hands. Nothing. Nothing in his hands, nothing on his fingers, nothing shiny. Nothing in his gray trench coat either. He has no shiny thing to offer her he realizes. He only has his gray trench coat, and gray does not shine :). He takes a step to walk over to her. As he steps he pauses and looks down. There is the shiny item she lost. It is there. She saw it, he sees it, yet there it is. He looks up pensively at her; she is happy!
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