July 2005 - Posts
Lamb - Angelica
Funny how when I was a kid I used to say and think that a lot. I wanted to be a mailman, just like the guy that delivered mail to our door. I wanted mail of my own so bad I even wanted junk mail, just so I could say I had it. I wanted to be a painter, maybe a musician. I wanted to be an astronomer. Not an astronaut, mind you, like all the other kids wanted to be; no, I wanted to study the heavens. I even went to Space Camp for a week, that was fun. I wanted to be a great many things when I grew up.
I never would've guessed then I'd meet the people I have in my life, the situations I've been involved in; my world then was so different from what it is now. Sometimes I like thinking about that, that all of the things that have happened to me were so unexpected and unknown to me then. It reminds me how, even now, other things I haven't even fathomed can happen to me. Life surely is a journey, with no real destination -- well, none for me anyway.
That would be the Fire Snake for me.
I've been intrigued with Chinese astrological signs lately and was reading up on mine. Personally I think what's said about Snakes is far more applicable to me than what the Western zodiac says about me, me being a Libra. Snakes are jealous and possessive people, haha, something I'm quite intimately familiar with. That was the one aspect to Snakes that made me think it's an accurate description of me.
I've finally started working on this thing! I spent maybe 8 hours yesterday, Saturday, just getting the hang of all the tools available to me; that and trying to figure out the timings for bringing in and fading out tracks. Well, only the first two tracks. Can you believe I spent 8 hours trying to blend the first two songs, geez. Luckily, today I was able to take the lessons I learned yesterday and get through the next two in much less time, 5 hours :P. I finished a rough draft of sorts of the first four songs in the set, ten total. I'm mostly pleased with it, but I still haven't perfected blending the first two tracks yet. And maybe I'm just being picky and critical of my own work, but I still kind of wonder about how I faded in the songs; not completely happy with it. Oh well, maybe I'll get used to it.
I'm planning on working on the songs in sets of threes, so tomorrow I'll try to work on the next three songs. Who knows, if I continue at this rate I may actually have something to download by this weekend! Wouldn't that be something.
I am a reality TV junkie! I love the show Big Brother for many reasons. Yeah, it's fun to get a glimpse of other people living their lives, watching from afar, but the main reason I love it is that it symbolizes life and reality to me. That is, that everyone on Earth is being watched in similar ways. I think it's kind of neat that others are watching us, transfixed at what we Earthlings are doing. We're entertainment for others :P. But yeah, I often get a thought while thinking about the show that this is what life is like.
I was outside walking around the track I skate on. The track is being paved over with new asphalt so it's a lot smoother than it used to be, but being in the process of being paved sections aren't done so it's more dangerous to skate on with large loose rocks and uneven sections. Walking barefoot on new hot asphalt is also a pain too because it gets hot under the heat of 90+ degree weather!
Anyway, I went to a bench under the shade of a tree and just sat there for many minutes, just looking at the lake, the people around me, just everything. Some guy pulled up with his dog, a German Shepherd maybe, and it came straight over and started sniffing me. I used to be afraid of dogs at some point in my life but I guess not so much now; I didn't really react to her sniffing me. I was thinking that outside would be a good moment to do my meditation that Kris suggested I do from my session with him.
I thought it would be a bit weird to meditate outside with all the people watching but I ultimately didn't care and got off the bench on the ground below, closed my eyes, and got still. I'm starting to get good at this thing from doing it a few times. Kind of neat to enter a timeless void for about 10 minutes, haha. I'm focusing on improving my vision this time around, as in most. While in this state I can still feel tiny bugs landing on me, blades of grass between my toes, just stuff. At some point I also hear the same dog run towards me. Again, i used to be scared of dogs at one point in my life but I kept my eyes closed and remained in my world, just trusting. I started imagining me connecting and merging with my surroundings, inviting and trusting the dog to not harm me. Amazingly the dog got close but just ran past me. I never did open my eyes and really just trusted I would be okay; I was amazed. Safe in my little bubble.
Devil May Cry 3 - Devils Never Cry [full]
I spent a week off from work but didn't even bother working on my DJ set, haha. I've been working on a web site for a friend and I was determined to finish it up for her before I started on my mix. Well, being off from work I got lazy, but I did finish the site! It isn't yet uploaded so I can't show a link but I think it turned out pretty well, I'm proud of myself :P. I also got a hold of Devil May Cry 3, which is a really awesome action game for the Playstation 2. A friend of mine swoons over Dante, the main character, and kept talking about the action in the game so I figured I'd just get it to see what she was talking about. Oh my god, freakin' awesome game! I haven't played a game that got me so excited and pumped to play in a while. Definitely a worthy addition to any action gamer's library.
I went to ye old local theme park again with friends, of which they almost all seem to be women. There were a few pictures taken but I think this one turned out the best of them all. I so rarely smile when I take pictures but I was just having fun yesterday!
That's my sister on the right, hehe.
Actually she's just a good friend of mine.
I just had the most awesome experience: I spoke to my first non-physical being! :D
He/she/them/it/whatever is named Kris and it was the coolest thing to hear a different perspective about myself than I'm accustomed to! I asked questions about myself, the main one that interested me was about why my vision is so bad. Among the responses that intrigued me the most was that I didn't want to grow up differently by acknowledging my clairvoyant abilities so I didn't want to "see" this, which translated for me as deteriorating vision.
I had never really thought of this before but when he mentioned it I started thinking back on some paranormal events that have happened to me while growing up. Twice I can recall being touched, tickled is a better word, by unseen people; once when I was around 6 or so and another when I was around 16. In both instances I was very spooked by what happened to me. The event when I was 6 happened when I was outside at some church event with my dad and I felt what I thought were bugs crawling around me, but with the sheer volume of bugs I felt I knew they weren't physical but yet I felt them. I'm actually not entirely sure if they were bugs or non-physical people touching me now though.
When I was 16 I was lying on my couch at home and I felt someone touch my arm. I was upstairs alone so I knew it was a non-physical being doing this. I didn't freak out as much as when I was 6 but I did rather forcefully tell this being to stop it and the touching stopped the moment I said that. Now that I'm writing this I'm reminded of seeing a ghost when I was 2. I was in my bed, crib, and I saw a green guy wearing a hat standing outside my door. At the time I thought it was Satan so I screamed my head off and hid under the covers.
I had never really thought I had clairvoyant abilities because I don't dwell on these events, but they did happen. Now that I find out denying this part of me is in some way related to my diminishing physical vision makes me want to address this aspect of myself again. BTW, Kris used the word clairvoyant, but I don't think he meant it in a sense of extra-sensory seeing so much as extra-sensory perception of any sort. Certainly, me feeling non-physical beings goes beyond seeing and into touching.
The sand castles on the beach subject relates to a meditation I was given: being a child building sand castles, putting effort into them, and then watching the waves of the ocean wash them away. It's a meditation meant, in part, to help accept loss. Not just that but the cyclical nature of life: birth and rebirth, creation and destruction, etc.
All in all, this was a cool experience for me. I'm actually excited to embrace this clairvoyant part of myself that I've ignored for so long. It's time to reckon with myself. I get an image in my head of a planet at its apogee, just beginning its trip back home; towards the source.
Thank you Kris, you've been a big help to me!
Well I've decided it's high time I stopped dreaming about making the DJ mix that I've been wanting to do and actually do it. So, to that end, I've taken the entirety of next week off so that I can devote myself to work on this. I listen to the songs I've selected for it continuously and I just have this feeling inside that it's gonna be good! Now if only I can mix it so that it sounds as pleasing in real life as it does in my dream life. I'll settle for nothing less, I'm a perfectionist.
A descent into darkness is what I've been on as of late, not just recently but throughout a good portion of my life. The darkness is within, what I don't see. What's interesting is that I'm now aware of this; still in darkness but yet I see this. Seeing in darkness must mean there's a light from somewhere.
I'm aware of what's in and what's out. I'm aware what's in isn't reaching out, it's like there's something blocking the light within. The light is there but it is difficult to express outwardly. Makes me think of a spot on the sun obscuring the brilliant light below.
The love that I want to express to and feel from another isn't possible because of this shield over me. It's rather difficult to do this, to deny what's within while simultaneously receiving from another. I say difficult and not impossible because from my explorations I feel this is possible, just much too difficult for me to continue to attempt. What I deny causes a withered section of my self to form, it can't express because it's deprived, and as a result of this it can not feel either.
I'm tired of writing, I'll let you figure out what I just said.