I'm really believing more in a mind/body connection. For the past couple of days I've been feeling a kind of lump in my throat, I felt it again today as I pulled into my parking lot which was strange. I mean as soon as I come home I feel this sick feeling, not cool. But that I felt it almost immediately upon coming home was most interesting.
I've been moving into a different phase of my life as of late too. Got a new TV, finally decided to change the light bulb in my computer room (It was originally sent to me in the mail from a Christian church; the light of Jesus. It was a 25 watt bulb that I decided to use after a lot of other bulbs kept breaking. I had intended to use the light of Jesus until it too blew, but damn the light of Jesus just will not go out!), anyway replaced the 25 watt bulb with a brighter 60 watt, and today I cleaned my computer desk. I was clearing away items on it and decided to finally put away my old Verizon phone. Before I did I was looking at the text messages on it.
All of the messages were to and from a person I really care about. It was nice to relive another time, if only for a few minutes while I perused the messages. Fitting with moving into a new phase of my life I erased everything on the phone, all of the messages, gone. I did have an urge to text her though, just to say I was thinking about her. Once I decided to send the text the lump in my throat lifted and has yet to return.
If you're at all familiar with the body's chakra system then you'll know that the throat is the center of one. Not that I'm an expert on chakras but from what I do know when they're out of balance you feel pain in the associated bodily area. The general attributes around the throat chakra are communication. So in my case feeling a lump in my throat could be a sign that I have a communication issue to resolve in my life. Is it coincidence that the lump in my throat went away when I decided to send the text? Who knows. Of course I believe it isn't, but you're free to draw your own conclusions.
After a long long long delay I've finally released version 1.4 of my web controls! The most developed control in it is the MainMenu, which you can tell from the name is a menu control for ASP.NET. Why release it when ASP.NET 2.0 already has a menu control?
The answer is somewhat involved. The prime reason is that I intended to release version 1.4 back in 2004! I had already started work on it when life situations got in the way to refocus my attention elsewhere. I'm now free of those events so I decided to finish what I started so long ago -- since I had invested a lot of work in it.
A secondary reason is that I still think the MainMenu has a place in the ASP.NET world despite there now being a native menu control. I like the architecture of the MainMenu. I know I designed it so I'm biased but I really think it's a good one. It doesn't render static menus, rather it's more of an engine and plug-ins provide the functionality. I like the inheritance model it uses, since it really reduces the amount of code needed to make a menu while still providing flexibility to customize individual portions when needed. And the client-side scripting environment is rich as well.
One thing it doesn't do is use templates to create a menu like the native ASP.NET menu does, but it does provide for what I term custom rendering. Basically, as long as the IDs specified for menus or items in the XML have a match on the page the MainMenu can manipulate them. So you can create a "menu" in whatever way you choose and it can still be manipulated. So, for example, you could have a list of items rendered with <li> tags and these would be "items" while the parent <ul> tag would be the "menu", you could then specify standard menus with each <li> being its parent item. This effect is used on the central list of items on my home page. In the list of MainMenu samples there's a sample where there are page headers and these can be clicked to hide or show their content. This sample actually uses the same concept of custom rendering mentioned here except it's using a different plug-in to handle the interactivity.
I still want to develop the MainMenu further as I still think it has relevance. It'll target ASP.NET 2.0, or 3, and I plan on making it simpler to use. I also have other controls I want to add to the collection. In any case, hopefully I've learned how to balance work and personal life, or I should say hobbies and personal life , so it won't take another 2 years between versions.
Another very late night post where I should be in bed. But, I seem to want to be awake.
Actually, I was in the bed and trying to go to sleep but I couldn't stop ruminating over something today. It was around 4am or so and during the summer I keep my bedroom window curtains open and I kept staring out at the night. It's beautiful when there's a reasonably full-size moon out, even if I'm just staring out the window unable to go to sleep.
A lot of things went through my head actually. First and foremost was my lack of posts to this blog. I was trying to think of something to say on here. Then my mind wandered to a photobook of my fellow college freshman. I found it today while rummaging around my house trying to find an antenna for my new LCD flat-panel HDTV -- did that just sound like a (who's got the biggest dick) boast or what. Anyway, it turns out old-style rabbit ears antennas are desirable for newfangled technology so I was trying to find one. Unexpectedly I found a photo record of the people I entered college with.
11 years ago, wow, kind of hard to believe actually. Everyone looks so different now, they look so young, haha, but we're not anymore. This weekend I ran across two of those people while shopping for my TV. One was a girl who had a not-so-secret crush on me at the time; now she has two kids. She was putting her infant in the front seat of the shopping cart. She looked at me and said hey and I responded in kind. I immediately recognized her when I saw her, but she didn't seem to make any notion of knowing me so I pretended as if she were a stranger too.
Later on, in the same store, I saw another girl from my freshman class. Strangely, I had gotten two unrecognized phone calls, from the same number, on my cell phone and I had just barely heard it ring moments before seeing her. I saw her standing a few aisles down from me as I was approaching her, but I checked my cell phone and when I looked up she had gone into the aisle she was standing in front of. I know she recognized me by her expression, but, I walked past her aisle pretending to be engrossed in my cell phone. Strange, since she and I were actually friends in college I could've talked to her freely, but I have this strange obsession with being alone, I really don't get it.
Today though, I was looking in the photobook and I just sort of took in the weekend events and started contemplating how much people and things have changed. I wasn't really sad while laying in bed; rather, I felt kind of..... still, I guess. It's an interesting thing to consider one's life and how different things might have been if certain decisions had been made in a different way. Where would I be now, what kind of person might I have become? Sometimes it only takes a slight change in an event for a different kind of life to unfold. Perhaps, stopping to talk to someone in a store; who knows what kind of changes might be wrought from such a simple action.
And so, the denouement of this post. While in bed, looking out at a moonlit night, thinking of something to post, contemplating my past, it hits me. (Ah, but not quite yet.) I feel a bit of sadness creep into my feeling but something miraculous happens, for me anyway. Somehow I stumbled upon the realization that no one's life is unimportant, there is no sadness to a life lived, regardless of how it is lived. A life is unique, it is the person who lived it. Whatever happens in it, no one could've lived it quite like the person who did. It's that uniqueness, however small it may be, that makes any life worth being lived. Even mine.
You know, when we stop trying to be like everyone else in the world, we're unique. Something that someone can point to and say, "you did this in a way that no one else can, it's you, that's unique." My, sort of, tension, between sadness and happiness is my uniqueness. It gives birth to the things that I say, causes me to think the things that I do, causes me to see with the perception that I have; it is my uniqueness. It's why I live.