November 2006 - Posts
Had a strange dream today where I was a ghost. The emphasis seemed to be more on that I had just died though. I was in a building, and the color orange springs to mind, but there were a lot of people sitting around a table. Everyone was someone at work. I was happy to see them but no one could see me except for a few people, which surprised me. My astronomy professor could see me, he even hugged me, and two other people could. These were the main three people who could see me but it felt as if a smattering of others could too.
The entire dream had a positive, festive, getting ready to move on feeling to it. I felt that while I was freshly dead I could relate to the people around me, I felt that the longer I existed as a spirit the more I would lose touch with humanity. Almost like when you just return from camp and the memories and experiences of it are fresh in mind, but fade away as time goes on.
One of the people who could see me I used as a medium to speak to the others in the room. Largely what I communicated was that death wasn't a scary thing or anything to fear. Not really in anything I explicitly said, but just in the manner of my communication. I joked around with them the way I would if I were alive. I also noticed as time went on it became easier to express my feelings about people, through my medium.
Towards the end of the dream I felt my hold on humanity slipping, as if it were time to say goodbye. I never left the building I was in, I never tried, I also never walked through any walls, I behaved as if I were a human in that regard. I actually woke up after having this dream and subsequently went back to sleep. I guess I really wanted to remember this dream.
Since the last couple of posts of mine I've been gaining a bit of clarity concerning myself. I guess it's kind of natural then that this clarity would lead to effects in my life.
One of which is that I'm starting to decide I'm going to accept who I am. You probably weren't thinking of what I'm about to say after reading that, but what I really meant by that is accepting my supernatural side. When I was very young, around 2, I saw a spirit standing outside my bedroom door. Seeing it frightened me a lot and I hid under the covers in my crib. I know I was only 2 so it's possible my memory could be distorting things, but I know what I saw. On a couple of occasions I've experienced "things" touching me that obviously didn't come from any physical thing. The last of these touches happened when I was a teenager, but I've since experienced other strange things. But no touches, no spirit sightings.
Last year I spoke with a spirit and asked him how I could restore my vision. He brought my attention back to a very early childhood experience that frightened me so much I made a deep decision not to see certain things. Typical in the spirits I'm drawn to, he just planted a seed for me to see to fruition. Lately I've been thinking the experience he mentioned was me seeing that spirit. I know when I experienced the last unexplained touching I forcefully asked whatever it was to stop and never since did I experience anything similar. Considering my spirit sighting as a toddler makes me wonder if I'm blocking an aspect of myself.
I'm really drawn to human nature, our inner worlds. It's not something that can be displayed on television or the Internet, but it's a large and fascinating thing. Strange as it may seem considering what I write about on this blog, but I'm just starting to realize how fascinated I am with it. I think I've found a new path for myself to explore. Funny how the river of life winds its way, I ramble and discover something new in the process.
I can't really say I know who I am fully, but I'm at least recognizing more aspects of myself. I think I'll start writing more about human nature on this blog. Still the same thing really, but it feels like a turning point for me. I want to see again.
This is a followup to my last post.
Initially in that post I thought I would just ramble and hope for something to come out of it; well, something did. I ended up writing about a relatively recent discovery of mine where I realized a lot of unpleasant thoughts I attributed to others were in fact my own feelings about myself. I described these feelings of mine as a shadow of sorts because they were mine but seemed not to be. Somewhat like real-life shadows. I mentioned that my feelings were projected onto others for me to see, but I want to delve into that aspect with this post, the projection of feelings.
It doesn't seem so much as a projection to me, not the reality of it. Rather, I guess I should start by stating that everyone perceives in their own unique way. To me the sum total of this unique perception can be considered a person. By that I just mean all the perceptions from the typical five senses, the internal senses you have, taken together these are you. (Hmm, almost brings to mind the vibrational model of reality I mentioned once; i.e. that there is no matter, just vibrations around space which are perceived as matter.) But this sum total of perception, a person, includes internal senses, things we are aware of inside of ourselves. Probably in the same sense that we aren't always aware of things in our external world, there are aspects of our internal world that we aren't fully aware of. Said another way, there are parts of ourselves that we aren't aware of. Does the recognition of this prompt individuals' self-discovery, the age old questions: "why am I here", "who am I?"
If you accept there are parts of you that you aren't fully cognizant of then you can see how a shadow of yourself can be created. Regardless of whether or not you're aware of all of yourself, those aspects of you are still there. They affect your feelings, emotions, and perceptions just as much as the parts of yourself you know about. The shadow aspect comes in when these unrecognized portions of self express themselves. If you know you have a fondness for ice cream, for instance, it wouldn't be a mystery why you enjoy it when you eat it. A simple example, but it's very easy to recognize the parts of you that you know. It's those unrecognized areas that are more difficult to spot. The patterns in your life, the issues that seem to crop up time and again even if the scenery of each experience is different. These are your unrecognized aspects expressing themselves. It's not a pattern so much that crops up time and again, it's simply you enjoying ice cream, but...you don't know that you enjoy it.
Hence my earlier assertion that these "shadows of self" aren't shadows nor projections. They're just you, you recognizing something that seems foreign at first glance but is actually something very intimate.
Got nothing to say, fools! Heh, I'm just writing this post because the one person who reads this probably wants to read something new.
Hmm, perhaps I'll ramble. Geez, so much I can ramble about. A lot of stuff lives in people's minds I think, I mean, if I have stuff to ramble on there must be. It's amazing we keep a lot of it locked inside actually. Funny that, seems to imply we hardly know each other if there's so much of us inside. By inside I, of course, mean the people parts that you can't see. No, not those people parts. The mental parts.
You know, my favorite disembodied person, i.e. spirit dude, spoke about social memory complexes a bit. It's like a community of minds; actually, probably somewhat like the Internet. Think about it, a lot of people post a lot of shit on the Net, some crazy, some absurd, some profound, some profoundly absurd..you get my point. But, everyone's just putting stuff out there, me included with this blog-o-mine. We all get to see each other in a different way, perhaps, than in real life. See, in real life your physical people parts are what people mainly see, but on the Net it's mostly your mental people parts that people see.
And what did I say before? Yes, people keep a lot of stuff in. So, on the Net it's out; kind of sort of. It's a big community. People you'd hardly ever know in real life you suddenly do. We can all share knowledge and trivia about stuff, the fragile beginnings of a social memory complex. I think the best social memory parts are the parts that express what people might normally keep in. You get to see that the physical parts of a lot of people don't really reflect the inner mental parts that well. You get to see another dimension of a person. Heh, that's just me cuz I don't really let people see my mental parts.
I learned something today, or yesterday. I'll gloss over the experience that led to me learning what I learned, as usual, and say that I learned how to be more comfortable being me again. See, I've spent a good deal of my life not liking it. I actually think I have a lot going for me to be honest, but nevertheless, a fair share of self-loathing is with me. Whenever people would say certain things related to my life I would respond, internally, by lashing out. After a while I didn't need them anymore to get me to lash out, just thinking about my life was enough. But today, or yesterday, something struck me as odd: how is it everyone seems to think the same thing about me, even people who hardly know me?
That's when I realized, finally I guess, that it wasn't these other people saying things about me -- no snide comments as I always used to think -- it was rather a shadow of sorts of my own feelings about myself. Remember when you were a kid and looked down and noticed that freaky black silhouette dude? Doing everything you did, always following you around, always there. Remember when you moved your arm and he moved his, or you bobbed your head and she bobbed hers? The light bulb went off, the freaky black silhouette dude was you!
Such is my revelation. The little comments I think people are saying, the little innuendos, the double meanings. It's not them -- maybe -- it's my own feelings about myself that I'm attributing to them. Hunh, funny that. All this time, it was always me. I don't really accept myself but never admitted, or noticed it, but my true inner feelings were projected onto others for me to see. Not projected so much, but, you can never really deny who you are, try as you may; if you're a certain way it'll come out, somehow someway. But will you notice yourself when you see it? Apparently it's not so easy as I'm discovering.
And so ends my little contribution to our social memory complex, our humanity; and this ramble.