We have risked much to bring you here, Time Child.
Sorry...I've got other plans.
Damn you, Time Child!!!
It's The Wise One.
Will...bloodshed end anything?
[Can't we all just get along?]
Kill The Wise One!
(Muffled scream) Nooooooo!!
We will...kill them all!
And I, will personally kill the Time Child.
And eat his entrails on my tummy!
Sometimes the best way to get what you want, is to let them think they're getting theirs.
Yesterday I was watching TV and I saw a commercial staring an actress that I didn't recognize but had the strongest urge that I did. She just looked so familiar, yet I couldn't place why I felt she was famous. I wanted to go on IMDB and look her up but every time I seriously thought about doing so I had a faint, but strong, urge to not do so. Almost like I, or some part of me, was completely sure I could delve into my memory to figure it out. (I do this a lot actually when I forget something that I feel I know, a way to strengthen my memory recall.) The commercial come on many times that night and each time it taunted me. I just had to figure out who she was! It was frustrating to know I could just pull her up with IMDB to find the answer but have this strong urge to not do so. The one clue I had were persistent images in my mind of subservience, or groveling, just in general actions suggesting meekness or deference. Over and over those images would play in my mind. After a while I kind of sent this remembering task to the background of my mind, something I wanted to know but wasn't actively engaged in. Eventually while eating dinner it just hit me who she was. The images that had been playing in my mind were scenes from the movies she's been in.
It was an utterly fantastic thing to actually remember who she was, on my own! Since discovering the answer to the question I was asking so much I turned to the process that enabled me to find it. Mainly the images I had in my mind, but just as important a strong insistence to not "cheat" and lookup the answer. That part interested me the most. A part of me seemed to be sure I knew the answer and that I would eventually discover it and so expressed itself by strongly urging me not to go online. Interesting how consciously I couldn't remember her face but yet some other part of me was sure I did. Having been acquainted with intuition a lot over the past year I decided to heed that small voice to not lookup the answer and trust I could discover it myself.
This whole process reminds me a lot of something Jesus said. I'm not really a big fan of the organization that's sprung up around him, i.e. Christianity, but I do think the man himself was really cool. The parable of note here being the fisherman and the fish. Give a man fish and he'll be fed but once, teach him to fish and he'll be fed for a lifetime.
There are some things that you can only discover by traveling from one point to another, simply being transplanted at the new place doesn't bring the same knowledge. Not everything can you be given, some things you must discover on your own. Because it's the process itself, and not the end result, that brings the knowledge. Life itself seems similar to that thought, just the process of living it is the...I don't know.
I sometimes look at life as a big learning lesson..err classroom. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about it and reflecting on things. Heh, so much time I practically don't really live it. But there's nothing wrong with that. I used to think so, part of my self-loathing, but I'm really starting to just accept who I am, and that's a huge deal for me. Oh don't get me wrong, there are still parts of myself and my life I don't fully accept right now, but one step at a time! Interesting little goal that is, self-acceptance. I wonder what would happen if I got to a point where I accepted everything about myself... Ah, no hurry, no rush, all things will happen, it's inevitable.
I kind of wonder sometimes if my recent acceptance of self is related somehow to my increasing visual clarity. Everyday I'm learning just a little bit more about how to see, and how I got so bad in the first place. There are some areas in life that are closed to you while you're in certain modes, whether you know it or not. There's a moment of stillness you can reach where, in some ways, you become one with whatever it is you're focusing on. A quiet mode.
A couple of days ago I learned more about Chess. I felt a culmination of things I had been learning about it. I guess it's natural problem solving, but it felt cool nonetheless to suddenly see things clearly which had been blurry to me. Almost like a Chess essence or something. It was that still moment I just described. I've since lost it, but...I understand something more about Chess now, I can play better.
You know, that still moment, it just felt like a nexus, where many paths connect. If you can get there you can see them, and you have a vision, an understanding, on how things are connected; it's a powerful thing.