The things we learn
I sometimes look at life as a big learning lesson..err classroom. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about it and reflecting on things. Heh, so much time I practically don't really live it. But there's nothing wrong with that. I used to think so, part of my self-loathing, but I'm really starting to just accept who I am, and that's a huge deal for me. Oh don't get me wrong, there are still parts of myself and my life I don't fully accept right now, but one step at a time! Interesting little goal that is, self-acceptance. I wonder what would happen if I got to a point where I accepted everything about myself... Ah, no hurry, no rush, all things will happen, it's inevitable.
I kind of wonder sometimes if my recent acceptance of self is related somehow to my increasing visual clarity. Everyday I'm learning just a little bit more about how to see, and how I got so bad in the first place. There are some areas in life that are closed to you while you're in certain modes, whether you know it or not. There's a moment of stillness you can reach where, in some ways, you become one with whatever it is you're focusing on. A quiet mode.
A couple of days ago I learned more about Chess. I felt a culmination of things I had been learning about it. I guess it's natural problem solving, but it felt cool nonetheless to suddenly see things clearly which had been blurry to me. Almost like a Chess essence or something. It was that still moment I just described. I've since lost it, but...I understand something more about Chess now, I can play better.
You know, that still moment, it just felt like a nexus, where many paths connect. If you can get there you can see them, and you have a vision, an understanding, on how things are connected; it's a powerful thing.