August 2007 - Posts
As possibly mundane and boring as it might sound, I get a lot of happiness knowing I have an hour or two or three to spend after making dinner to play chess or some other video game -- currently on Final Fantasy X-2
. I classify it in the boring category because it's nothing really outrageously fun like diving out of a plane or anything. But, you know, you gotta take happiness wherever and whenever it finds you.
When I was in college I used to walk around campus a little envious at the people that had cars, someday I said to myself, that'll be me. And in my senior year that someday came. And it was nothing really, whooptydo, I have a car. For a long time I never went to clubs because I was just shy and afraid of everything, but lately I've gone to a few and freed myself enough to really
enjoy dancing, haha! But, like my other secret dream, after I accomplished it I was like, "is that it?" Physical things and wants are so fleeting.
Because I've spent the better part of my life pondering about myself I've gotten really good at analyzing why I feel certain things. I think the real reason I'm so happy with the mundane acts of life and somewhat less than impressed with wants and desires, is that after all these years I'm letting myself be happy with who I am. I guess it's been a core desire and all the other things I've distracted myself with over the years have been surrounding desires. Desires, true enough, but not exactly what I really want, ya know.
It's strange, sometimes you can live your life a certain way, traveling far afield, metaphorically or literally, only to find what you've been looking for is where you've always been. Hmm... Life is a very cool and interesting thing.
I once read the mind is like a tree, one with branches and deep roots. You can come across something many times in your life, but not until it takes root will it truly change you.
After many many years I think I'm finally realizing if someone doesn't like me for who I am then they truly don't like me. And if I change myself in some way to please them then the person they begin to like is not me. Seems so simple really but it's taken years for those two sentences to sink in. It's like looking at a picture of the Taj Mahal. You can view pictures all you want, read and research until you're blue in the face, but not until you directly experience it will it truly awe you.
There's a strong and solid confidence that builds from knowing yourself. What have you to lose if someone doesn't like what you have to offer?
I know we all live in our own personality shells, our beliefs and perceptions colored by our own uniqueness; but I can speculate about others. I think a lot of people put on fronts with others, wear masks, however you want to phrase it because they're afraid of people not liking their true selves. It's easy if someone rejects a mask you put on for them because in the back of your mind you know they didn't reject the real you. It's quite another thing when you truly open up to someone and they hurt or reject you, because then you know you didn't hide anything from them and so they truly rejected or hurt you. That's just what I believe but I suspect it holds for a good many others.
Life really is cool. A journey like no other really. But you have to experience it though, you have to actually go through the experiences you go through and feel what you feel. And you have to feel deeply for life to truly affect you. Hmm, and you can't feel very deeply if masks are covering you. Heh, a thought to ponder for another time.
I just watched an hour and a half long video about the dangers of genetically modified foods. I don't want to get into it here though, but if you want to check it out here it is http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5888040483237356977&hl=en. The part that just got to me though was how other people on the planet could put money above the health of other people. It was dismaying. After many weeks now of studying how the Bush administration has really messed up this country I just felt like I couldn't take any more negative information. There just seems to be so much widespread corruption I really felt like I just wanted to be numb to it, tune out and entertain myself and pretend it's not going on.
I can see how a lot of Americans can become sheeple. You get desensitized to things after being repeatedly exposed to them. After a while even outrageous and blatant corruption becomes tolerable. Or perhaps you get too tired of fighting all the damn time. Every day it seems like someone's preaching about something that's going to kill you.
As much as I want to get dismayed though, and perhaps muster up the conviction to pick up a picket sign, the kind of corruption and greed that "evil" corporations exhibit comes from individual people. And not just a few people, but really most everyone. It's been said many many many times over just as many years that power corrupts. If you had the power to do something would you? Would you do something that benefited you at the expense of another? It's probably easy to say no you wouldn't when you don't have any power, when the question is just hypothetical. I like to think I wouldn't either but I wonder. All that evil corruption out there didn't just come from nowhere, it came from individual people, people just like me...