Ouch
It hurts to let an opportunity slip through your fingers. There was a girl, woman, I was talking to online who lives hundreds of miles away and I felt there was an opportunity to move into more intimate territory; Internet dating I suppose you'd call it. But I didn't bite when she subtly introduced the idea once. And now she's dating someone else she says. :)
Ah, it's cool though. Hurts, but still cool. It's that old feeling of wanting what you can't have -- and not wanting what you can. It's interesting, now that I think back on my behavior. Even though I wanted the possibility I played it cool, too cool I guess, lol. I am learning something which is new to me. Well, not new in that I never knew about this, but just new in the sense that it's sinking in. And this mystery thing is that I should just be myself. By this I mean just act, do, and say what I want even if it's not "correct" in some fashion. Trying to do the "right" thing isn't always the best thing. Trying to figure someone else out, trying to be smart, trying to predict. Just do what you want. I mean, if things blow up in your face...well, it was what you wanted to do anyway so take comfort in being yourself. And if things don't blow up in your face...well. :)
Today when I was driving home from work I felt that it was indeed autumn, the summer heat is officially gone. Every season has its charms. For me I love the sounds of summer. Hearing the cicada bugs -- or whatever they are -- constantly buzzing. That's the one thing, the single most thing, that I associate with summer, until I hear their song I don't feel it's summer. Can't walk outside at night in shorts and feel fantastic, lazying around on the patio. Autumn is my birth season, technically, so it's special for that reason. Today illustrated for me why I love it so much though. There's still the lingering summer heat around so when it rains, however lightly, like today there's a nice moist humid air that remains after it stops. It feels really nice on my skin. Marching through piles of colorful dead leaves is always nice. Winter. Hmm, that's actually a rather tough season for me to enjoy, but it too has its charms. I like winter because everything feels still, crisp, and clean. The sky has wispy thin clouds, if any at all. The wind blows and makes your nose turn red and water. I like the winter wind oddly enough, as cold as it is. It's rarely white on the ground where I live, but it's nice on the one or two days we get that. Now spring is a nice season. Warm, but not too hot. The chill winds of fall and winter give way to warm winds which feel wonderful! It can be warm in autumn but the winds always betray the fact that it's getting colder because there's always a hint of chill in them. But not spring winds, they feel warm. The days get longer; it's so neat to notice more and more daylight every day. Spring is when flowers bloom and colors blossom, it reminds me of the awesome potential available in each and every moment. In a sense spring gives birth to ideas and enthusiasm for me.
We live and die much too soon. Here I am, 30, and still wrestling with things others have long since moved past. Shame really our bodies age while our minds mature. I notice my body changing on me, ever since I was 26. My skin isn't as smooth as it used to be, not much really, but I can notice. Laugh lines are settling in. Yep, I'm getting older. You have to act fast in our lifetimes, have to do things on a set schedule predetermined before you're even born. If you don't, if you go against the grain and do things your own way you might find opportunities dry up for you.
That's one way of looking at things, the glass half-empty. You can look at it as half-full if you want, it's all a choice, a matter of perspective. Every season has its charms, every situation we get ourselves into, every feeling that recurs. Half-full, half-empty, it's just a choice. Me, my life, well, it's my choosing. Through my actions I've brought myself to the point I'm at now. This is the life I've chosen to live, whether I'm always actively aware of my choices or not. I'm not mad, not as much as I may have been in the past. This is me, and my life. And I'm happy.
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