Today and yesterday I've woken up in the middle of the night. Since I didn't have any pressing need to go to the bathroom, or any other physical condition to worry about, it makes me think I woke up to remember what I was dreaming about. I thought about some things yesterday when this happened and had some personal revelations about myself. I thought about blogging about it but really didn't want to start moving around since that would keep me from getting back to sleep; not good for a work day. But today, since I woke up again and don't have to be at work, why not.
The dream I remembered today focused around me being at work and the person who was in charge of a project for my officemate came to see her. This person also asked me about my current project and I told them I was stuck at a certain point and not quite ready. I could tell from her tone of voice and expression she was losing faith in me. But she didn't really say so and just said okay basically and moved to my co-worker. What got me thinking about the dream was how I typically reacted. Started thinking about why I was so slow and the reasons for it. When I woke up and was thinking about the dream I noticed how this action of mine kept me from really seeing what the other person was saying. It was insignificant whether I was right or wrong in my justifications, what was noteworthy was that I didn't hear the other person. I didn't want to look at my own flaws so I immediately launched an attack on them, pointing out their flaws. Only this time I saw that as an attempt to keep from looking at myself honestly.
The last person I was intimately involved with accused me of thinking I know everything. To myself I've never thought this, but it always bothered me when she said that so it must've been meaningful to me in some way -- and possibly true. Perhaps the dream and what she said are connected since I ended up thinking of them together. They certainly seem so. If you never, or rarely, expose your flaws to other people I can see how they might form that impression. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. The issues I'm working on may not be the ones you're working on, but we're both, we're all, dealing with something we consider important. We're all trying to improve.
I started thinking about how as a kid, when I was 10, I would ask my mom about things when she was my age. She would often respond that she couldn't remember. At the time I thought it incredible that she could forget the things I was asking her about. I mean, it was so important to me, how could she forget. She would say she was too old to remember every thing that's happened to her. Now I can see where she was coming from. Now that I'm 30, having entered my fourth decade of life, it's like a milestone. It's only one year beyond 29 but it's another grouping of years, one that starts with a different number: 3. Even though it's just one year I'm noticing I'm looking at things in a different way. Like my mom who couldn't remember certain things, I can't remember certain things anymore. They seem unimportant, not worth spending the effort to remember. I've probably felt this way for a while but I'm just now noticing.
I did something yesterday I don't normally do. I told a girl I didn't know I thought she was hot. True, it was only on a dating site, hehe, but nevertheless I did it. I don't normally do this, I noticed today, because I want to avoid rejection. Can't be rejected if you don't even try I once thought long ago. Actually I never outright thought that to myself, but it's true. It's nice getting older because as you accumulate years of experience you can begin to see patterns in your behavior. Things that once escaped your attention begin to become glaringly obvious.
I think I'm becoming more comfortable in shedding certain images I've been maintaining, whether intentionally or not, by admitting what I just did. I don't feel like investing the energy as much anymore. By removing a mask you get to see me for who I really am. Someone who's afraid of things you probably aren't, and I don't want you to know this so I hide it as best as I can. I posted a blog entry about suicide two years ago that I was deeply embarrassed to write. But it seems to be one of the most commented entries I have to date. It touches people it seems. I suspect that's due to my willingness to expose myself, and my flaws. We all have flaws but when we operate as if we don't to other people we seem like aliens to each other. "Somehow this person is perfect but I obviously have flaws, I must be doing something wrong if they don't have the same problems I do." Of course if we don't even admit our flaws we can end up being aliens to ourselves.
Ahh, the quest for perfection continues. I will solve my issues. May take some time, more than perhaps I realized, but I will solve them. Signing out for now.
Thanks to the months-long drought we've been under here in the South I haven't been able to wash and wax my sweet baby. Today, out of desperation, I took her to a full service car wash, figured she could use the pampering; and wax. (And I didn't want to do the windows. :P)
You know the Visa commercials where they have people breakdancing through the checkout line and swiping their cards all without skipping a beat. And then some dude comes up and whips out his checkbook and screws the assembly line up. That was me today as soon as they saw my Prius! The first guy who works on your car hopped in and was like, "Oooh shit, what the fuck is this!" I had to give a quick lesson on how to insert the key, how to turn it on, and how to change gears. The checkout guy actually came over to help out the other guy. Haha. I was a bit worried because I saw this red exclamation point pop up on the information display, and I've never seen that before!
They managed to get it through the car wash and the guy who drives it off hopped in and was like, "Oooh shit, what in the shy!" He motioned to me asking if the car was mine and I nodded and came over. I had to drive the car to its final destination because he didn't know how to drive my car. :) I was kind of surprised that the final two guys managed to turn the car off without my help. They must carry Visa. :P (knuck-knuck)