Tides
Freaky Chakra - West
What a week for me. I usually lead a fairly stable, and perhaps to most people, a boring life. But rest assured, even though I don't focus my energies on physical goals lots goes on in my head. It's starting to become difficult to separate my spiritual beliefs from my outer demeanor. This particular post will be especially difficult to write as I do like to maintain the privacy of the people involved in the things I write about. But there comes a point when the things you believe begin to intrude on long-held beliefs. And like warm and cold air mixing together producing wind, something's got to give.
A core belief I've had for some time now is that I'm here on this planet to learn. Not about the physical things of the world, but about me. Physical things are like props to better enable learning, or perhaps like the mirrors of a funhouse which show images of you in various ways. I use the events of my life to see aspects of myself that I, for whatever reason, have difficulty in seeing on my own. A lot of times I can do this learning without too much difficulty. (I wonder now if this is possible because I'm not learning much.) Sometimes though I confront myself in such a way I need a good bit of time to process it.
Last week I traveled a good bit to see someone I care about. It was under the pretense of possibly adopting a cat, but since I wanted to see her traveled I did. We spent our time together a lot like we did when we were originally together, which is to say the good and bad. I also worked on her computer and accidently saw some New Year's images I probably should not have. One of the reasons I like my Chinese astrology symbol of the Snake is that it really does describe me much better than my Western Libran sign. The possessiveness aspect comes into play in this instance. I wonder where it comes from, why I would feel I own someone, why they can't do something I myself have done. It's not enough to know that I "shouldn't" feel that way, or that the feelings are at odds with other beliefs I hold, it's the fact that I do feel possessive that troubles me. The heart is a much tougher thing to change than the mind.
It's quite a humbling thing to think to yourself you're a certain way but then get confronted with a situation which makes you realize you're not. Truthfully I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling possessive. Things simply are, judgments are simply perceptions of what is. However, this possessive trait I have is a desire to control others, which is something I've professed not to like. Treating this trait of mine with scorn actually scorns myself and is a form of self-loathing. For better or worse the trait is a part of me and if I want to love myself I must accept it. Perhaps if I truly do not like what I see and want to change it I should look at what produces it. My work continues it seems, much to learn.
The part of this week that makes this post difficult however is not what I just said, but what I'm about to say. It's only difficult because some people that read this will be able to discern whom I am speaking about, despite efforts on my part to veil this. But, it also relates to honesty and openly sharing with others, something I'm learning to value, thus I write this. A few days ago I learned a co-worker makes a good deal more than me, someone I thought would be on the same pay scale as myself. I actually know and understand why this is so that's not a major shock to me. The shock for me is what I felt. It's similar to the feelings I had when I accepted my current job, which at the time paid less than my previous one. The question relates to how much money does one need. Does money represent your value? If you say it does not would you still say that if you knew an equal to you were paid much more than you?
Fairly simple questions to answer I've usually reckoned to myself. But knowing with the mind and feeling with the heart can be very different things. Beliefs not tested can be fragile things, giving the illusion of strength. I make enough money to support myself and be happy, I don't need more. If I had more I'm not even sure what I would do with it. Still, you feel what you feel, and to deny your feelings is to deny yourself. I think this money issue for me ultimately stems from worth. It seems my place of employment values this other person more than me; hurts the pride and ego a bit... But the mind is not an enemy of the heart, and together they can make a powerful team. I know why the pay inequity I discovered exists: I don't need the money, this other person has a greater need for it than myself. This knowledge helps soothe the hurt feelings, helps me to see me in the distorted funhouse image.
One of the greater quotes I've come across described life here on Earth as like being in a kiln. Understanding the quote, I've come to think of it also as like rocks on the beach being smoothed away over time by the relentless forces of the tides. Bit by bit the rough edges of a stone get chipped away. After much battering by the sea it becomes smooth. It takes time to understand one's self. Events roll and crash in, the experiences are felt, they wash away, the process repeats. That which can not withstand the events are carried away. That which remains withstands the test of time.