The Art of Losing
I think today I had a major insight into myself. I was taking a walk around the lake I skate around. I've been skating there for a long time, maybe 8 years now, and I've seen a lot of people come and go. It was interesting to ponder over. Each year a new set of people crop up and they give each spring and summer a distinctive flavor. Some people stay a few years before moving on with their lives. It's always sad when that happens, even if I've never talked to them before. Just seeing them nearly every day forms a bit of a comfort blanket, a support group on the periphery of sorts. Today a few members of the speed skating team were out practicing. I think they've given up on recruiting me, ha! There was a kid who thought it was cool to try and skate with me. He was fast, I'll give him credit. After we both made it to the main straightaway I noticed him glancing over at me. I started into my arm swing and eventually left him behind.
I never did try and talk to him or maybe even encourage him. It's my personality I'm noticing. I keep people on the periphery. I thought about that as I was taking my cool-off walk and suddenly I had a thought I had to learn about loss. A few years ago I had a conversation with a spirit and he suggested the same thing. I always find it very interesting when stray thoughts enter my head that end up having a profound effect on me, enough to make me ponder at least. I thought about my former life where I killed someone I cared about. I thought about how I have 3 planets in the 12th astrological house -- if you don't know consider it a house of repression. So many thoughts flooding my head all at once. It would seem I've designed my life to keep people at a certain distance. And that purpose could very well be to see them all leave. To get accustomed to loss, to losing things I would form attachments to.
I'm starting to find the sweetness in it, in losing. Haha, it's almost like how your brain will make fish eyes seem tasty if you were stranded at sea and needed to balance your diet. (Yeah I was watching the Discovery channel. :P) Point is that when you're forced to even uncomfortable things can become appealing. The older I get the more I'm starting to be happy with myself and my life, even if it has some major sucky parts to it. We do create our lives I believe. Not just the actions you take, but perhaps deeper than that, why you take the actions you do. The idiosyncrasies, the compulsions to act in seemingly destructive ways, it's all our doing. Heh, taking greater and greater responsibility for my life.
:)