The Meaning of Life: Choice
Probably a bold subject to choose, to propose an answer to a question pondered over millennia of human existence; but if I had to answer the question that's what my answer would be.
For me it's a choice of listening to my heart or my head. Or perhaps to be more precise, to believe things on faith, without any proof. For the majority of my 30 years here on planet Earth proof and surety were my bedrocks. My way to keep from being lost, to make sure my head didn't get lost in the clouds, to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. I used to imagine my heart stuck in a perpetual ice storm, I was determined to keep it frozen, to keep its urges and desires at bay. To make sure I wouldn't be fooled by others. That was the only reason I did that: fear. Early in life I discovered people aren't always truthful, they sometimes say things to you they don't really mean. Sometimes they do it thinking they're protecting you, or in general some way to benefit you, other times they do it to hurt you.
It was a shocker when that realization first dawned on me. I guess it would be for a kid. You believe Santa Claus exists, the toothfairy comes to visit you, the Easter Bunny is big and fluffy, that people care about you. Realizing I had a fatal gullibility I was determined to plug that gap, so I would never trust anyone again. I would assume people were lying to me, that they were talking about me even if they smiled at me, that I could no longer trust my heart and what I felt.
I remember once when I was 8 and the kids at the playground were teasing me for being in love with a girl; icky for boys at that age. I remember my answer was simply and obviously -- to me -- yes. It wasn't a romantic love, more of a deep care and concern for another human being, the same could be felt for any person. :) I simply couldn't fathom why that would be laughed at. Why would love be mocked.
Time works in mysterious ways though. That incident at 8 took place before my attempted freezing of my heart, but the beginnings of the unfreezing occurred before that, a few years later at the same elementary school. I wanted to experiment in E.S.P.: should I bring my umbrella to school or not, do I trust the feeling I have it'll rain. I honestly can't remember now the outcome of that test, but I think back to that moment sometimes as a baby step in trusting myself again. Having gotten to a point where I determined life without a heart was no life worth living, I needed to find a path back.
And so baby steps I took, more and more, until I'm at the point I'm at now where my heart is beginning to become predominant over my actions. I've learned a lot. It really is like night and day. You appreciate the light more when you've dwelled without it. It's sweeter, perhaps. In terms of heart versus head the choice I made to listen to my heart again is probably one of the most impactful I've ever made. I like that it was a choice, that it wasn't always simply the case I'd trust it, it means more to me; my head was involved in it, ha. Just that I had an opportunity to continue as I was, to continue to make choices that were safe, that made sense. But I chose to step into, what was for me, the unknown. I chose that... :)
May seem an insignificant thing, to make a choice, but there's power in that action. It takes intention to choose. The greater the difference between two choices the more intention is needed to choose one. Ha, polarity! I think I may be understanding that.
It, my heart, is taking me places my head would've never gone. It's leading me to questions I long since thought resolved, that I'm discovering aren't. It's leading me to feelings I had buried so far I thought I'd moved past -- evolved beyond. :) The heart is a wonderful thing. It leads me to do things beyond all logic, even now.