January 2009 - Posts
is something called life. I can't help but smile at the sheer perfection of everything. How there are no mistakes in the grand scheme of existence. I'm choosing to write in veiled metaphor because it's those seemingly unconnected ideas, thoughts, things that are bringing me such happiness right now. The attempt to find connection where none seems to exist is a wonderful thing.
What I learned today, and I'm writing in my online scrapbook, is that being true to oneself is really the best thing. What I find quite funny and interesting is how much beating over the head it's taken for me to realize this. How many times have I heard "honesty is the best policy" and other such derivatives and thought to myself, "No worries, I've got that covered." How many more times will I reach an epiphany: declaring how stupid I once was and how smart I now am! How deep does the rabbit hole go, how much can one know about one's self, is there ever an end. (Sometimes it's fun playing with words and seeing what new things erupt.) How many facets to the utterly trite and mundane can there be for such things to continue to bring such brilliance.
Enough of that paragraph. The other thing I'm happy about -- is directly related to said last paragraph -- concerns this light feeling I feel inside. It's the connection of ideas that's validating a lot of things I wouldn't have expected. In a very real sense it is seeming to be it is best to do what you love. Even, I dare say, if those loves are terribly fleeting. Such can be like magnets nudging a perfectly smooth ball along a path. No contact perceived, the change in the course of direction ever so subtle, yet that being the most exquisitely small change necessary to bring about that which is desired.
I speak in metaphor because some things can not be said. Words, sounds, can approximate thoughts and feelings, but accept no substitutes. :)
Yesterday I acted in a consciously unloving way towards someone. I know that sounds a bit new agey so I'll say it a different way: I lied to someone. I actually have no problem with lying to someone if I can rationalize it to myself as being good or neutral for them. Though I suppose those aren't "real" lies as they usually encompass withholding information about myself that has no undue affect on the person. Quite unlike the lie in question here where it actually resulted in someone having to do more work than was necessary because of what I didn't say.
It's easier to understand things if I actually explain what happened than speak in generalities. One of my co-workers came to my office asking for a DVD so he could install a program on his computer. I knew immediately I had taken it home, and in laziness just hadn't brought it back to work. Instead of telling him this though I feigned ignorance at being unable to find it in my office. He said it was no problem and asked the system administrator if he could find it. The administrator had to dig around for it, eventually burning a new copy from a disc image he had.
In the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big of a lie and the consequences were quite small. But still. There's history between the co-worker and myself though. Actually history between his wife and myself and he just happened to get caught in the middle. He's a nice guy really, has never done anything wrong to me, and has tried to be friendly. It's just unfortunate he's married to her, so animosity directed towards her leaked onto him, albeit in a lesser way. After he left my office I felt a pretty severe pain inside of me, like I just could not believe what I had done and had to rectify it immediately. An energy imbalance.
I did end up calling him and saying I remembered where the DVD was and I'd bring it in tomorrow, but doing that took a lot of energy. I've invested so much in holding a grudge against his wife, and unfortunately, by extension him, to be nice to him in a situation I could have successfully not have been was very difficult. It's like traversing a labyrinth. You spend a lot of time down a particular path thinking you'll find what you seek. But at some point while searching you discover the path you've been on for some time is ultimately a dead end. When traversing a physical maze you'll feel sad about having to go back and finding a different path but you'll do it because you have no choice. When traversing the maze that is you however it can be more difficult to do such a thing. To admit a path you've invested so much energy in is, ultimately, a dead end. All that time and effort has to be undone. It's a lot easier to just sit there and pout rather than find a new way.
Two different beliefs of mine got tested and one won. I am glad I actually decided to help him than choose a grudge, but now I feel my reasoning for holding grudges has been shattered. I'm going to have to re-evaluate all the people in my life I've chosen to excommunicate. To not do so would be to pretend I haven't become aware of the limits and faults of this personality aspect; and I'd just be lying to myself, which is probably the worst thing anyone can ever do. Perhaps I'll move at a slow pace in choosing a new path by trying to figure out why I chose the previous one! Help take some of the sting out of admitting I've been wrong about something my entire life. :/
Finally finished playing this game over the weekend so I would have room for Valkyria Chronicles. I have to say this is one beautiful game! The graphics are gorgeous, the story is intriguing, the gameplay interesting, but the icing on the cake is definitely the music. The title theme is one of my favorites, if not my favorite. Seriously, I always wait until it finishes before loading my game, it's that moving. In general there's just a lot of emotion and feeling in the musical pieces in the game.
The graphics are neat too but the part I like the most after the music is the gameplay. You acquire powers in the game by yanking the souls out of the creatures you encounter! When I say yank I literally mean you yank them out, using the motion sensitive PS3 controller. Most creatures you can just flick the controller up and you'll acquire them. Some bigger creatures you have to violently shake the controller up and down or repeatedly slam them into the ground by twisting the controller left and right, it's quite fun actually. :) Once you acquire creatures you assign them to buttons on the controller to attack with them. They all behave differently from each other so picking a good combination of creatures to use is fun.
I was looking at previews for a game called Flower to come out, hopefully sometime this year, that has me excited to get. One of the things I loved about Folklore was its ability to evoke feelings in me with its combination of graphics, music, and storytelling. Flower seems like a game like that. From what I can tell now you just move flowers in the wind and create music. :P Sounds simple and silly maybe, but the people who reviewed it were gushing over it, and when I saw the video I kinda was too.