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February 2009 - Posts

Experience all things desired

Analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love and wisdom within. The orientation develops due to analysis of desire.

The previous is a slight paraphrase of one of my, now, favorite sayings. It's been at the root for some of my more recent dealings with people. Seriously, I am really, really loving life right now. Mana for me is understanding, and I've been getting that in spades lately. Individual experiences added together to a mix, like ingredients to a dish. Individually the ingredients taste as they do, together they produce an entirely new flavor.

I was noticing today how my officemate reacts to me versus other people in expressing somewhat similar things. If I understand something to a particular degree and someone I'm talking to expresses that same idea with less precision but equal force, or will, I have a desire to correct them. I think, given my past experiences with people, that rubs them the wrong way more often than not. :) So it was very interesting to me today to observe her as she spoke with someone else about a problem. She was more animated and lively than if she were speaking with me. Perhaps due to an expectation that I'll more than likely talk her down, or in some way dismiss what she has to say.

For a long time that's bothered me. I want to be able to get along well with other people, so engaging in the behavior I do isn't necessarily conducive to that. But for whatever reason I keep doing it! LOL Also today a friend posted a note on Facebook musing about what he should do, how he should behave, about a particular issue. Whenever I see the word "should" in reference to behaviors it triggers something inside of me to respond. So I did, and I mentioned the saying at the beginning of this post. Engaging in a teacher role in that instance made me switch to the student role in regards my own behavior. I started taking my own advice, I started to be happy with who I am. Not happy so much that I naturally rub some people the wrong way, but happy that I no longer saw that as a problem. Also, meeting up with someone new over the weekend and talking with her made me realize the value and importance of being who you are.

I just love it when life experiences blend together to orient your thoughts in new directions! I'm actually glad I've experienced being humble and downplaying myself, because I can see how alluring arrogance can be in being okay with rubbing people the wrong way. How cold I could be in this not bothering me. Hopefully humility will temper arrogance. Not hopefully, it will, because that's what I desire. And what I desire I will experience. :)

Posted: Wed, Feb 25 2009 7:34 PM by Humpty
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I was thinking on the way home today how really happy I am with my life at the moment. It was a nicely dreary day out and I was happy to be mostly done with a project I've spent a year on at work. Happy to have learned a new aspect to a programming language I use. Happy to be making good progress on the Firefox extension I'm writing. In particular with that I've been feeling very creative, I'm having lots of fun with it! I think it's that creative aspect that got me thinking about co-creation; in a very real sense. You know how sometimes specks of food get lodged between your teeth? Well specks of thoughts have gotten lodged between my cerebral lobes, ha. Various people in my life have introduced me to the idea of taking complete control over my life. Actually, complete responsibility. No blaming anyone else for what happens in my life, good or bad.

That idea has been wedged in me for a good while now. Contemplating the nature of "other people" if I'm to take responsibility for everything in my existence. There's still much to contemplate in that area, but for now I am seeing the tremendous value in ratcheting up self-responsibility. That's a very powerful thought, a very empowering thought. It's a thought, an idea, all its own, but it seems to reorient your entire being. It's amazing how draining blaming others can be, you sap your own power; smother it. Hmm. :)


Last week I was talking to a co-worker -- well, someone who works in the same place I do, I don't actually work with him -- that I haven't seen in a while. We asked what the other was up to and I mentioned trying to meet deadlines while going to training for a HUGE university-wide data conversion project. He mentioned to me that I shouldn't get dull, in the sense of working too much. I actually smiled at him and relayed my impression of my work as like I was an artist. Programming is my art, I do it for free as well as to pay the bills because I genuinely love it.

If he had made that same comment some years prior it would've caused me to doubt myself a lot. I never quite realized how much I take on other people's desires and make them my own. It's been such an automatic thing I didn't even realize it was happening. If someone else didn't like something I liked to do, or not as much as I do, I thought something was wrong with me. If they spoke with confidence about something I implicitly believed them more often than not.

Now this isn't to say I've been some completely gullible person who doesn't think for himself. I've actually prided myself on marching to the house beat of my inner DJ. But sometimes you can hide behind intelligence instead of use it. As smart as I was I didn't notice how effective all the influence around me was. Or I guess a better way to phrase it would be how little I trusted myself.

That's why when I smiled at my co-worker last week it wasn't out of some attempt to cover up a part of me that felt hurt by what he said, rather I smiled because I was too enthusiastic about having so much worked piled up! I was happy because I felt I understood that what he considers dull doesn't have to be what I consider dull. I was happy because I felt I didn't have to change myself just because he wouldn't make the same choices I would.

I'm starting to really enjoy the uniqueness of everything. Ha, I find it funny that one of the first things that comes to mind when I think the word unique is, in fact, the same set of images that typically comes up. How conformist is that! My own thoughts about uniqueness vary so little, bring up the same set of ideas, hahaha. In case you're wondering the same set of images consists of hippies, bikers, and people covered in tattoos; in that order. :P "If I don't act like them then I'm not unique!" lol

I suppose if I want to be truly unique I'll first have to be comfortable and happy with myself. Do the things I do in only the way I can. :) But I'll have to be happy while doing them. You're only faking uniqueness if you're not happy, cuz if you're not happy you're probably doing something that would make someone else happy, but not yourself. Savvy? :)

Posted: Mon, Feb 2 2009 10:06 PM by Humpty
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