IsHappy?
Last week I was talking to a co-worker -- well, someone who works in the same place I do, I don't actually work with him -- that I haven't seen in a while. We asked what the other was up to and I mentioned trying to meet deadlines while going to training for a HUGE university-wide data conversion project. He mentioned to me that I shouldn't get dull, in the sense of working too much. I actually smiled at him and relayed my impression of my work as like I was an artist. Programming is my art, I do it for free as well as to pay the bills because I genuinely love it.
If he had made that same comment some years prior it would've caused me to doubt myself a lot. I never quite realized how much I take on other people's desires and make them my own. It's been such an automatic thing I didn't even realize it was happening. If someone else didn't like something I liked to do, or not as much as I do, I thought something was wrong with me. If they spoke with confidence about something I implicitly believed them more often than not.
Now this isn't to say I've been some completely gullible person who doesn't think for himself. I've actually prided myself on marching to the house beat of my inner DJ. But sometimes you can hide behind intelligence instead of use it. As smart as I was I didn't notice how effective all the influence around me was. Or I guess a better way to phrase it would be how little I trusted myself.
That's why when I smiled at my co-worker last week it wasn't out of some attempt to cover up a part of me that felt hurt by what he said, rather I smiled because I was too enthusiastic about having so much worked piled up! I was happy because I felt I understood that what he considers dull doesn't have to be what I consider dull. I was happy because I felt I didn't have to change myself just because he wouldn't make the same choices I would.
I'm starting to really enjoy the uniqueness of everything. Ha, I find it funny that one of the first things that comes to mind when I think the word unique is, in fact, the same set of images that typically comes up. How conformist is that! My own thoughts about uniqueness vary so little, bring up the same set of ideas, hahaha. In case you're wondering the same set of images consists of hippies, bikers, and people covered in tattoos; in that order. :P "If I don't act like them then I'm not unique!" lol
I suppose if I want to be truly unique I'll first have to be comfortable and happy with myself. Do the things I do in only the way I can. :) But I'll have to be happy while doing them. You're only faking uniqueness if you're not happy, cuz if you're not happy you're probably doing something that would make someone else happy, but not yourself. Savvy? :)