May 2009 - Posts
I really like that last test I took [on a test taking site]. The Social Orientation
Inventory test, I got Free Spirit on it. Whether or not I like it
because it reflects who I really am, or I like it because that's
what I want to be is irrelevant. I'm starting to notice things that
grab my attention for whatever reason have something to say; the
fun part is finding out what. The word "free" is what stuck out to
me the most. I get images of the wind when I think about that
Today was an unexpectedly happy day, though a quiet happy. I was
happy when I read about a conservative radio
host who thought waterboarding wasn't torture undergo the
procedure. After lasting 6 seconds he quickly proclaimed it
torture. I was happy when I
read a Republican call Cheney out on destroying the party,
bonus points for mentioning his many deferments to avoid the
Vietnam War, Ol' Chickenshit Cheney. I was happy with the thought
that this country might truly turn itself around.
After that boost my thoughts turned to myself. Thought about how
much I've changed over the years, and was very much happy with
that. Changes other people can obviously see don't make me happy so
much: jobs, money, possessions, relationships, kids, etc. No, I was
happy I don't stutter nearly as much as I used to, happy I like
myself more than I used to. That liking myself part is the reason I
even wrote about stuttering. I used to be ashamed of that, now I
don't judge it so much, it's me.
You know how in the videos of planets forming they're all hot in
the beginning but after some time they cool down into comfortable
stability? That's how I'm feeling right now. The emotional turmoil
of my teens and 20s settling down. It's very interesting how
different the world looks. In some ways you can say the heat all
that turmoil generated was like a haze over my eyes. Feels nice to
be calm. Not feel that, certain, constant prodding.
There's magic all around me, hiding right there in plain view; just
have to look.
My next long-term life goal is going to be doing what I love more.
Artsy people fascinate me, people in theater the most. They let
themselves be, they express themselves with such wild spontaneous
abandon. Like being a kid again really. I hate how I've allowed my
energy to become so regularized, how I judge and hide what wants to
be free... I'm going to be a life dancer. Exactly what that is I
don't know, but I'll make it up as I go along. Paying attention to
what calls me, trusting myself to answer.
There's something to be said for the thought that you create the life you need / want. However different it may be from some objective standard, what you're experiencing is what you want to experience.
My lesson learned today concerns flow of energy. It's a different slant on the idea of being true to yourself. Basically it occurred to me today that trying to modify my actions and behavior to elicit a desired response from someone else blocks my energy. This flow I'm referring to I liken to essence, you in a pure sense. That desire, that will, to live, to do, to be. It's liquid, it's in constant motion. Trying to change its flow is like putting a boulder in front of a stream. Though I describe it as liquid its direction isn't so mindless, not just controlled by gravity. No, it's intelligent, it is your will after all. :) The key idea is that of blockage though.
Maybe in the attempt to change myself I might get the desired response out of a person, but am I true to myself at that point? Of course another idea is that there is no way to not be true to myself since I am always myself, I would just simply change into a new person. But it's that feeling of flow I found interesting today as an indicator of personal truth. When it feels sharp, indicative of turning suddenly, of blockage, it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel right. The analogy with water breaks down here of course since this flow is not governed by the same laws as is water on a planet. No, the direction of movement is determined by something else. Exactly what is beyond me at the moment, but I feel I know enough to say with some certainty it is intelligent. So the lesson is simply what is there to lose in being yourself, in letting your energy flow as you deem it. Perhaps you won't get you want, perhaps you will, perhaps you'll discover something different.
I think artists let their energy flow without boundaries. The more they are able to do so the more creative they are. Creativity isn't found in the known, it's in the unknown, and only the known can create boundaries, boundaries that direct the flow away from the unknown. As I write and think about this persistent thoughts about kundalini and blue chakra energy come to mind. Honesty, lies, truth, happiness. Interesting things.
Learned something else about myself recently. I think it relates to why I'm introverted. I went to a bridal party over the weekend -- it was a work thing for a co-worker -- and although I was sociable some I was largely quiet and listened. Later on that day I thought about the day's events heavily, that and other things that've recently been on my mind. One thing I gained more insight on was my desire to be known. Or lack thereof resulting in introversion. People's impressions about me was one of the things that was on my mind and I realized how out of sync some people must be about me. Whether or not they are of sync wasn't so much the important thing for me but the realization that I could talk about myself more was. Segueing from that was the thought of why don't I already do this. And that's when the idea of I'm not comfortable with myself rose to the surface again.
Whether I've consciously realized it or not, I've known that conversing with someone involves sharing of myself to some degree, and I've largely not been comfortable with that. As I've been getting more and more comfortable in my own skin the reasons why have been making themselves more evident. Namely my foundation is weak. I'm at a loss of words to describe this, but essentially my sense of self has felt weak, easily changeable, manipulated. So I've minimized the possible threats to its fragility as I've worked to shore it up. Practically speaking that means limiting my interactions with others. But it's been getting much much stronger lately, my sense of self I mean. Not that I all of sudden have sure answers for everything about myself, but I'm realizing not knowing doesn't need to mean the end of the world. I have the mental image of the birth of a star. It's core being very small, but nevertheless the fundamental thermonuclear reactions necessary to support its future size being in place.
I have to say I really enjoy exploring life. Learning about the physical world is nice. Discovering the sun is powered by nuclear fusion instead of divine magic has helped our species along; science is a nice thing. But like money you can't take such knowledge with you when you perish. I guess that's why I find knowledge related to self more fascinating. Whether it be me personally or someone else, but just knowledge that evolves a personality / essence / spirit. There are ideas related to the continuation of life beyond death involved here of course, and such ideas are in the realm of divine magic as far as science is concerned. Ha. But that's a part of the exploration of this life I find so fascinating. :)
"I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes"
Learned yet again a lesson I thought I already had. It's the one where I say it's okay to be myself. I believe it, until I realize I don't. Nothing in particular happened today to trigger the lesson, just observations. Watching my co-worker laugh the way she does when she isn't talking to me. I have a good sense why, and it's natural that she does what she does, responds to me in a different fashion. It used to bother me -- and perhaps still does -- but I'm becoming accepting of it. She is who she is as much as I am who I am, neither of us can change who we are. And why should we, who wants a world of clones.
Taming my excesses has been a goal of mine. Identifying those areas that express themselves in excess of others, finding the counter expression to balance it. Much like a planet actually. Upon close inspection its surface seems bumpy, so many imperfections, so many excess protrusions of matter, so many valleys. As you begin to view the entirety of it though you start to see how the excesses become smoothed away, the balance being found to such a degree the entity that is the planet becomes a sphere. What is sought is found and there is peace within. I like that imagery, I like that ideal.
Sometimes I feel like a hamster spinning in a wheel, repeatedly passing by the same scenery thinking it's new. It takes a while it seems to recognize when the new is really repackaged old. It's a shame really we live such relatively short lives. By the time you understand something, really understand, you're close to death. Not intellectually, surface understanding, but understanding that's filtered down into the heart. Understanding that no longer needs to be thought to be, it simply is; your character changes.
It's been said when the student is ready the teacher will appear; but they never said what the teacher will look like. It doesn't always have the bipedal form it seems.