Life dancer
I really like that last test I took [on a test taking site]. The Social Orientation
Inventory test, I got Free Spirit on it. Whether or not I like it
because it reflects who I really am, or I like it because that's
what I want to be is irrelevant. I'm starting to notice things that
grab my attention for whatever reason have something to say; the
fun part is finding out what. The word "free" is what stuck out to
me the most. I get images of the wind when I think about that
word.
Today was an unexpectedly happy day, though a quiet happy. I was
happy when I read about a conservative radio
host who thought waterboarding wasn't torture undergo the
procedure. After lasting 6 seconds he quickly proclaimed it
torture. I was happy when I
read a Republican call Cheney out on destroying the party,
bonus points for mentioning his many deferments to avoid the
Vietnam War, Ol' Chickenshit Cheney. I was happy with the thought
that this country might truly turn itself around.
After that boost my thoughts turned to myself. Thought about how
much I've changed over the years, and was very much happy with
that. Changes other people can obviously see don't make me happy so
much: jobs, money, possessions, relationships, kids, etc. No, I was
happy I don't stutter nearly as much as I used to, happy I like
myself more than I used to. That liking myself part is the reason I
even wrote about stuttering. I used to be ashamed of that, now I
don't judge it so much, it's me.
You know how in the videos of planets forming they're all hot in
the beginning but after some time they cool down into comfortable
stability? That's how I'm feeling right now. The emotional turmoil
of my teens and 20s settling down. It's very interesting how
different the world looks. In some ways you can say the heat all
that turmoil generated was like a haze over my eyes. Feels nice to
be calm. Not feel that, certain, constant prodding.
There's magic all around me, hiding right there in plain view; just
have to look.
My next long-term life goal is going to be doing what I love more.
Artsy people fascinate me, people in theater the most. They let
themselves be, they express themselves with such wild spontaneous
abandon. Like being a kid again really. I hate how I've allowed my
energy to become so regularized, how I judge and hide what wants to
be free... I'm going to be a life dancer. Exactly what that is I
don't know, but I'll make it up as I go along. Paying attention to
what calls me, trusting myself to answer.