September 2009 - Posts
I realized today a fond wish I have, maybe even my fondest wish. Simply put I want my inner world to be my outer world. I want to follow my heart so often that it ceases becoming a special thing to me. Like if it were sunny all day long eventually you'd lose the concept of night. Similarly I want to lose the concept of following my heart and have that transform into being.
I realized this is a fond desire of mine after regretting missing an opportunity today. Since I'm leaving my current job I'm making an effort to rectify relationships that are on the rocks. I spoke to said person today and we ended up playing voice mail tag. Later on a friend IMd saying she'd like to talk, it seemed important. As I was leaving work I started working my phone to find the contact entry when I noticed the person I called walking in front of me. I hadn't yet placed the call but I fell into my current habit of not talking to her. That's not what I wanted to do, but it felt easier to pretend I was buried in the phone. When I got home I had a strong feeling of regret of missing an opportunity. We could've talked then and there and I could've called my friend later; my friend I can talk to anytime, this other person not so much since I'm leaving soon. Still I took the path of fear.
It's kind of odd that in such moments you have epiphanies. But that was when I realized I really hate the feeling of missing an opportunity, of not choosing what I really want because of fear. It just dawned on me how much I hate that feeling, so much so I realized what would make me happy.
I suppose if life were easy it would be no problem to just up and follow my heart. And in truth I always acknowledge that ever-present possibility. But yet I also acknowledge the entirety of my self, my inconsistencies and hesitations. That was work in and of itself not too long ago, I used to run from myself! Haha. But now I have a new goal for the compass that is my heart. Destination: oblivion and eternity. To lose myself to my heart and my passions in finer and ever finer degrees. This is the life I will be building.
I feel so happy right now, no joke! I just have to get this out of me and share, it feels like a crime to keep it all to myself.
Sharing is the key aspect to my feeling, sharing myself that is. See my day started off in a conundrum because I have two job interviews next week, both at the end of the work day and on back to back days. My conundrum was how to actually get out of work in time to change into my suits -- more on that later -- and get to the interviews on time. I've already talked to my boss about my desire to leave but I don't necessarily want to advertise that. My first idea was to hide the fact that I had interviews from my boss by skipping lunch and coming in early, thereby enabling me to leave early from work. I knew he'd notice my absence anyway, and it would be very suspicious for me to be gone so early on a workday. Then I thought of just asking for time off, not explaining why I needed it but just asking for it. My boss is a smart guy so he'd probably know why I wanted it off anyway. I seriously was torn on what to do: skip out without telling or ask for time off on short notice for two days people don't normally ask for time off. I ultimately decided to just ask for it knowing full well my actions would convey what I'm doing to him. But I felt really happy about my decision, mainly because I overcame a fear -- short-lived as it was. It is becoming so much easier to overcome my fears the more I do it.
My next conundrum came in the form of a recruiter calling wanting to setup an in-person interview for me. This would be a third interview to fit in next week. As happy as I was to hear that it actually caused a bit of stress, because at the point in time I heard this I wasn't sure what my boss' response was to my email asking for time off. She also talked a bit bad about one of the companies I was going to interview for, putting some doubt in my mind about working there. She even threw out a bit of info about the other company I was going to interview for that made me question working there. And to top it off she was in a hurry for my decision about her interview possibility. Yay, fun stuff...
That ended up resolving itself pretty nicely once I got my boss' reply and I was able to fit in interview #3. So by then I had a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly just wanting to talk to someone about this. I've been noticing a stronger desire to connect with people throughout my job search. Enough even to talk to my officemate whom I've been shunning for the most part since learning of our pay difference. It took some effort to overcome the inertia of my past silent treatment, but I just opened my mouth and let the words spill out. It feels so nice to feel like I'm speaking from the heart, doing what I want to do with little effort. We had a good chat, and making the first move wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be.
The day progressed well and the recruiter who called me at 8:30 at night, early in this week, about the job I'm interviewing for next week called. We're good to go to meet at the coffee house so he can finally meet me in person. I felt thrilled on the drive up. Here I was, jetting out of work to go have coffee with a guy I just met a few days ago, when did my life get so hectic and exciting. He and I ended up talking for an hour and I can really see us becoming friends. In the course of the talk he reveals to me he actually wants to get into my profession! Ha, how crazy cool I thought. I felt like a teacher as I began telling him some things he could do to get started. He has a dream / desire to be a software developer and I'm in a position to help.
The thing I like the most about my life lately is how I'm making my inner world my outer world. I'm not letting fears hold me back, at least not nearly so much. The same way you might swerve in a car to avoid a pothole I see my fears as bumps to avoid. They nudge the direction I choose to take but they don't cause me to wholesale brake like before. I literally felt like I was dancing even though I was standing still as I was relating my views on how life is to be lived while talking to the recruiter. I loved the thrill of feeling like I was sharing my new found passion for life and lighting the flame for someone else. How absolutely cool would it be for him to realize a desire he's been sitting on for years and know I had a part in that!! This is the kind of life I want to live and love.
So after feeling like Lucifer the Light Bringer I went over to Men's Warehouse and bought myself some digs! Two suits, two shirts, two ties, new belt, new shoes, and even a cedar shoetree for good measure. :P I love the slim fit of the suits and the shoes. Dude, I look fucking good.
Life is certainly to be lived. We get one chance at it, one chance. As I was so fond of saying today, people have mid-life crises because in the moments they have to choose between their love and their fear, they choose fear. They put the brakes on the exciting momentum they have, the energy stalls. :( I'm so very happy to have had the opportunity to experience what that's like, to let fear control me. I know what it feels like, I can relate to people when I see it in them. It excites me to no end to think I can be a spark that gets them plugging along again. (Har har, yuk yuk, he he :) ). I realize now my biggest enemy in life isn't anywhere out there; no, it's me. There used to be a time when I felt afraid of fear, even my imaginations of fear scared me. I closed myself off and developed defensive mechanisms of varying sorts, some quite comical. :) But now I recognize the fear. It stings a bit, and I still feel the urge to withdraw at times, but I don't feel the need to close myself, I can be open and vulnerable and strong and very much alive all at the same time.
Ladies and gentlemen. Introducing.......me!!!
Haven't shared a dream in a while but this one seems so interesting I wanted to share with the world. As a backdrop to help understand it I've been looking for a new job for a while now. One of the recruiting agencies that contacted me has, in my opinion, been railroading me toward jobs that I don't find particularly interesting. By railroading I mean not as sensitive or interested in my wants and instead he seems interested in guiding my choices rather than the other way around. Before I went to bed I found a job online that seemed absolutely perfect and really excited me. I sent the contact my resume along with a note (cover letter) explaining why I wanted the job. Because I wanted the job so much and felt so confident it was for me that got reflected in how I composed the email. I also felt more in control of my job search, like I was realizing I'm in charge instead of the recruiter. So without further ado here's the dream.
I was riding on the back of a shark. Not standing up, but my body flat against it. I didn't have any fear riding it, in fact I felt very confident. I felt a sense of power throughout the entire dream, one of strong confidence. The shark and I didn't seem to have any destination in mind. It actually seemed to be going where it wanted to go and I was just riding it. At some point I took out a knife and carved slits into its skin and one long slit lengthwise along the top of it. Blood didn't pour or gush out of it though, the wounds were just red to indicate blood was there. As we rode further I could hear a female voice. I watched the lengthwise slit I made close by itself and the voice said that the skin was still weak and could be easily punctured by practically anything. The shark made a sharp left turn and it flung me from its back into the water. The shark continued swimming and swam away. Although I was not afraid of it coming back to bite/eat me I knew the nature of the shark was what it was and so I hurried to get out of the water. The shark had flung me next to a building so swam to it.
The scene changed and I think I was inside the building. I seemed to be the owner of the building and in fact an enterprise. There was a boardroom meeting being held consisting of four nude women and myself. The room itself had a lot blue because there were no walls only large windows so the ocean was visible everywhere in the room. My vantage point was above the boardroom desk so that I could see all of this, even though me as a person was at the desk. I eventually got up and went over to a large pool. I was naked, and had been the entire dream, but it only became apparent now because a woman come to perform fellatio on me. I was only partially in the pool, still on the steps, while she was fully in it. From my vantage point the pool was semi-circular with one end against the windows, the other end had the boardroom desk placed vertically in front of it giving the entire structure a phallic shape.
Despite the strong suggestion of sexuality in the dream I don't think it was sexual, it didn't feel that way. It felt more powerful, not arrogant but strong confidence. Given that water was a prominent element throughout the dream, connecting with my subconscious seems to be the key thing. In looking up possible meanings to receiving oral sex in a dream being open to creativity came up. In fact much of the symbology suggests I'm currently open to my subconscious desires and creativity. I think it's a reflection of me feeling that I'm taking my life in my own hands in considering my job search.
Just a quick late night note. I read an article about ethics today and in the comments section a lot of people were stating how they wouldn't ever do the "wrong" thing if the situation in the article presented itself. It doesn't matter what the situation is really, but what I found interesting is how confident they were. Some people said they had experienced a similar ethical dilemma and resolutely said no. Some got fired for the decision and were quite happy about it, some stayed and the person who initiated the dilemma got fired. You never quite know what you'll do in a challenging situation until you experience it firsthand. If something isn't a challenge for you then there's no undue attention paid to it, it's only when you're unsure of yourself in some manner that a situation rises to the level of challenge.
Many times I've looked at the lives of others, far away from any
of the consequences of their decisions, and thought if only the person would do this or that. But it's not me living their life, their challenges are not my own. No, mine are tailor made, just for me. It's a very amusing thought that others would view my blog posts, and the challenges I face therein, and wonder why is he having such problems with this or that, it's easy just do this!
Life is what we make of it, huh, challenges and pleasures alike.