Lucifer, the lightbringer
I feel so happy right now, no joke! I just have to get this out of me and share, it feels like a crime to keep it all to myself.
Sharing is the key aspect to my feeling, sharing myself that is. See my day started off in a conundrum because I have two job interviews next week, both at the end of the work day and on back to back days. My conundrum was how to actually get out of work in time to change into my suits -- more on that later -- and get to the interviews on time. I've already talked to my boss about my desire to leave but I don't necessarily want to advertise that. My first idea was to hide the fact that I had interviews from my boss by skipping lunch and coming in early, thereby enabling me to leave early from work. I knew he'd notice my absence anyway, and it would be very suspicious for me to be gone so early on a workday. Then I thought of just asking for time off, not explaining why I needed it but just asking for it. My boss is a smart guy so he'd probably know why I wanted it off anyway. I seriously was torn on what to do: skip out without telling or ask for time off on short notice for two days people don't normally ask for time off. I ultimately decided to just ask for it knowing full well my actions would convey what I'm doing to him. But I felt really happy about my decision, mainly because I overcame a fear -- short-lived as it was. It is becoming so much easier to overcome my fears the more I do it.
My next conundrum came in the form of a recruiter calling wanting to setup an in-person interview for me. This would be a third interview to fit in next week. As happy as I was to hear that it actually caused a bit of stress, because at the point in time I heard this I wasn't sure what my boss' response was to my email asking for time off. She also talked a bit bad about one of the companies I was going to interview for, putting some doubt in my mind about working there. She even threw out a bit of info about the other company I was going to interview for that made me question working there. And to top it off she was in a hurry for my decision about her interview possibility. Yay, fun stuff...
That ended up resolving itself pretty nicely once I got my boss' reply and I was able to fit in interview #3. So by then I had a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly just wanting to talk to someone about this. I've been noticing a stronger desire to connect with people throughout my job search. Enough even to talk to my officemate whom I've been shunning for the most part since learning of our pay difference. It took some effort to overcome the inertia of my past silent treatment, but I just opened my mouth and let the words spill out. It feels so nice to feel like I'm speaking from the heart, doing what I want to do with little effort. We had a good chat, and making the first move wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be.
The day progressed well and the recruiter who called me at 8:30 at night, early in this week, about the job I'm interviewing for next week called. We're good to go to meet at the coffee house so he can finally meet me in person. I felt thrilled on the drive up. Here I was, jetting out of work to go have coffee with a guy I just met a few days ago, when did my life get so hectic and exciting. He and I ended up talking for an hour and I can really see us becoming friends. In the course of the talk he reveals to me he actually wants to get into my profession! Ha, how crazy cool I thought. I felt like a teacher as I began telling him some things he could do to get started. He has a dream / desire to be a software developer and I'm in a position to help.
The thing I like the most about my life lately is how I'm making my inner world my outer world. I'm not letting fears hold me back, at least not nearly so much. The same way you might swerve in a car to avoid a pothole I see my fears as bumps to avoid. They nudge the direction I choose to take but they don't cause me to wholesale brake like before. I literally felt like I was dancing even though I was standing still as I was relating my views on how life is to be lived while talking to the recruiter. I loved the thrill of feeling like I was sharing my new found passion for life and lighting the flame for someone else. How absolutely cool would it be for him to realize a desire he's been sitting on for years and know I had a part in that!! This is the kind of life I want to live and love.
So after feeling like Lucifer the Light Bringer I went over to Men's Warehouse and bought myself some digs! Two suits, two shirts, two ties, new belt, new shoes, and even a cedar shoetree for good measure. :P I love the slim fit of the suits and the shoes. Dude, I look fucking good.
Life is certainly to be lived. We get one chance at it, one chance. As I was so fond of saying today, people have mid-life crises because in the moments they have to choose between their love and their fear, they choose fear. They put the brakes on the exciting momentum they have, the energy stalls. :( I'm so very happy to have had the opportunity to experience what that's like, to let fear control me. I know what it feels like, I can relate to people when I see it in them. It excites me to no end to think I can be a spark that gets them plugging along again. (Har har, yuk yuk, he he :) ). I realize now my biggest enemy in life isn't anywhere out there; no, it's me. There used to be a time when I felt afraid of fear, even my imaginations of fear scared me. I closed myself off and developed defensive mechanisms of varying sorts, some quite comical. :) But now I recognize the fear. It stings a bit, and I still feel the urge to withdraw at times, but I don't feel the need to close myself, I can be open and vulnerable and strong and very much alive all at the same time.
Ladies and gentlemen. Introducing.......me!!!