I realized today a fond wish I have, maybe even my fondest wish. Simply put I want my inner world to be my outer world. I want to follow my heart so often that it ceases becoming a special thing to me. Like if it were sunny all day long eventually you'd lose the concept of night. Similarly I want to lose the concept of following my heart and have that transform into being.
I realized this is a fond desire of mine after regretting missing an opportunity today. Since I'm leaving my current job I'm making an effort to rectify relationships that are on the rocks. I spoke to said person today and we ended up playing voice mail tag. Later on a friend IMd saying she'd like to talk, it seemed important. As I was leaving work I started working my phone to find the contact entry when I noticed the person I called walking in front of me. I hadn't yet placed the call but I fell into my current habit of not talking to her. That's not what I wanted to do, but it felt easier to pretend I was buried in the phone. When I got home I had a strong feeling of regret of missing an opportunity. We could've talked then and there and I could've called my friend later; my friend I can talk to anytime, this other person not so much since I'm leaving soon. Still I took the path of fear.
It's kind of odd that in such moments you have epiphanies. But that was when I realized I really hate the feeling of missing an opportunity, of not choosing what I really want because of fear. It just dawned on me how much I hate that feeling, so much so I realized what would make me happy.
I suppose if life were easy it would be no problem to just up and follow my heart. And in truth I always acknowledge that ever-present possibility. But yet I also acknowledge the entirety of my self, my inconsistencies and hesitations. That was work in and of itself not too long ago, I used to run from myself! Haha. But now I have a new goal for the compass that is my heart. Destination: oblivion and eternity. To lose myself to my heart and my passions in finer and ever finer degrees. This is the life I will be building.