October 2009 - Posts
I made my first YouTube video! Of other people's stuff. :P I only did it because the song that's the subject of this post hasn't been released in 5 years and that's a shame. It's an awesome progressive trance piece, check it out.
Rambling is creative mind expression, what you get when you let the structures controlling thought drift away, if only for a while. :)
The subject for today's regularly scheduled ramble is centeredness. If time permits a dash of self-deprecating thought analysis. So why do I feel centered? Because I feel happy a lot lately. It's weird, it almost feels a gravity of sorts. I have an urge, an energy, to reach out, but leaving doesn't feel as happy as where I am. The seeker finding what it has sought. Does that make sense? On some level it does, madness is genius on some level.
Am I proud or arrogant or elitist in some fashion to think I'm a genius on some level? What limiting thoughts. No, not the proud part, but the self-judging one. Who needs an external critic when you can take their best traits and make them your own. That's what I've realized I do. A way for me to feel I can beat my critics, imaginary or not, at their own game. But what does it matter if another gets their jollies with the perception of my misfortune. If that's what makes them happy, who am I to deny them that. Fall and stumble I may!
Life is fun, life is enjoyable, it always and ever is. In the midst of pressing issues it may not seem as much. Sometimes, in retrospect, different areas are illuminated. The perspective of looking back can come, well, only when you look back. :) Can't look forward to look back. That's the fun and beauty of life, the perspectives. So so many perspectives. With a box of 64 color Crayolas do I play with only 3 colors, always and ever? But there are so many other colors to paint with! How much more lively the tapestry might be. More vivid. Vivider? Is that a word? Shucks, it is, and here I thought I was making it up.
I met someone today that I've met before and before. Every day for weeks now, I meet her. Today she was different when I met her again. I wondered in the drive back about asking her a question. If you were to die today would you be happy with the life you've lived? I like to think she'd say yes!
So I got my first paycheck today from the new job and I can't believe it! This is actually happening, I'm living my new life! :D
So you wanna know what else is cool? I'm actually enjoying the job. The work environment is like a software development shop even though it's a bank. We have daily team meetings where we discuss issues. In the beginning I didn't know enough to contribute but I'm gradually able to more and more. It's a cool group of people I work with, it's fun. Challenging, yes, but fun. The building I work in is like an airport. The entire complex is composed of 9 lookalike buildings with 6 floors each. I park in a parking deck now, yay! No seriously, it's free. :) I feel big time now, haha. The concourse area of the complex has a food court with a Quiznos, cafeteria, junk food shops, fitness center, bank tellers (of course), an optometrist, doctor's, and dentist's office, there's even some beauty shop and a daycare. There are break rooms on every floor with each containing vending machines, microwaves, refrigerators, and sinks. This place is crazy, and I'm a part of it! Nothing at all like what I thought it would be, not at all.
Last Friday I spent the entire day writing up a mock up of an idea I had to improve the application we're working on. There are 4 people on the team who've worked on it longer than me, and 2 others who are new like me, so I was a bit nervous to put myself out there like that. The new guy proposing changes. That's why I'm there really so I shouldn't have been that concerned, but still I was. Come back to work on Monday and apparently people liked it! Turns out I wasn't the only one to suggest what I did, previous people who've worked on the app have suggested something similar. But it was still nice to think that after 7 days or so on the job I identified the same problem area and solution as others.
And to think I doubted myself before taking the job. :P At times I would get nervous when I realized what I had gotten myself into. I haven't drawn up flowcharts and written design documents in, like, never, but here I am, doing it. Almost felt like I bluffed my way into a job I wasn't qualified for, but now I realize I am qualified, most definitely. There are some smart people that work here, and one of them decided to hire me! Ha.
So today was the last day at my current, now former, job. I started the day waking up at 4 in the morning worrying if I'm making the right decision. I left a full-time position at a comfortable place that I've been at for 9 years for a 12 - 18 month contract at a major company. Some things that people have said to me in the past about my job performance also was weighing me down, making me doubt whether I could pull this new job off. After about an hour of pondering my situation I went back to bed, nothing really solved. By the time I woke up at 7 I was a tad better but still mostly doubting myself. After eating breakfast I had an internal inspirational dialogue. I ended up telling myself that there is no right or wrong in the living of a life. Whether a decision leads to more negative outcomes than positive the point of life isn't to judge, but to experience. And there is no safety in experience, no guarantees. Safety comes at a cost, namely freedom and aliveness.
For the first time in a very long time I feel alive inside. I'm actively leading my life, not passively reacting to what comes my way. It's very possible the contracting position could end after 6 months, or less, but even knowing the possibility I'm happy. Logically I have savings to sustain me and a strong enough skill set to find a new job quickly. Emotionally I like the feeling of riding a shark that a dream of mine conveyed. I'm going to have to trust myself and my abilities to a high degree.
Still, it's kind of awesome that I've left a job after 9 years. Not awesome as in really neat, but awesome as in awe-inspiring. My former job was very comfortable, many many people end up staying there far longer than they imagined, decades even. It's amazing how attached to a place, a lifestyle, you can become. Despite being unhappy and feeling dead inside for months before I even decided to contemplate quitting, I remained. It's easy to continue as you were the previous day; inertia. It takes effort to change, change I couldn't muster myself without a qualifying event. In any case, I'm out and looking forward to the next book in my grand old life adventure.