My last day
So today was the last day at my current, now former, job. I started the day waking up at 4 in the morning worrying if I'm making the right decision. I left a full-time position at a comfortable place that I've been at for 9 years for a 12 - 18 month contract at a major company. Some things that people have said to me in the past about my job performance also was weighing me down, making me doubt whether I could pull this new job off. After about an hour of pondering my situation I went back to bed, nothing really solved. By the time I woke up at 7 I was a tad better but still mostly doubting myself. After eating breakfast I had an internal inspirational dialogue. I ended up telling myself that there is no right or wrong in the living of a life. Whether a decision leads to more negative outcomes than positive the point of life isn't to judge, but to experience. And there is no safety in experience, no guarantees. Safety comes at a cost, namely freedom and aliveness.
For the first time in a very long time I feel alive inside. I'm actively leading my life, not passively reacting to what comes my way. It's very possible the contracting position could end after 6 months, or less, but even knowing the possibility I'm happy. Logically I have savings to sustain me and a strong enough skill set to find a new job quickly. Emotionally I like the feeling of riding a shark that a dream of mine conveyed. I'm going to have to trust myself and my abilities to a high degree.
Still, it's kind of awesome that I've left a job after 9 years. Not awesome as in really neat, but awesome as in awe-inspiring. My former job was very comfortable, many many people end up staying there far longer than they imagined, decades even. It's amazing how attached to a place, a lifestyle, you can become. Despite being unhappy and feeling dead inside for months before I even decided to contemplate quitting, I remained. It's easy to continue as you were the previous day; inertia. It takes effort to change, change I couldn't muster myself without a qualifying event. In any case, I'm out and looking forward to the next book in my grand old life adventure.