December 2009 - Posts
"not to build into the physical vehicle its ending would be counterproductive to the mind/body/spirit complexes therein residing, for within the illusion it seems more lovely to be within the illusion than to drop the garment which has carried the mind/body/ spirit complex and move on"
It occurred to me today, and lately, that to a large degree I never really just come out and say what I mean or what I think. Were a Mack truck to hit me and cause me to depart this life, no one would really know all the kookiness residing upstairs.
I've thought about life in the form of a game for many years now. Imagine if you could live whatever kind of life you wanted as often as you wished. How boring it would become I imagine to do everything the right or proper way. If you've watched the movie Groundhog Day or the "Window of Opportunity" episode of Stargate SG-1 (season 4, episode 6) then you'll have an idea of what I mean. Sometimes when I play a game I have no intention of winning, I simply want to see what'll happen if I do such and such. "Will I die if I jump down that pit?" "Where exactly are all the gold coins?" "I'm just in a pissy mood and wanna blow some shit up man!" In the context of the game of moving towards the objective I might be playing "wrong", but it would be fun. :) What if I've already won the game and simply want to go through it again and admire the scenery.
Something I've thought about as well is Atlantis. You know that mythical land that couldn't possibly have existed. Well I seriously believe it did. Sound crazy? Perhaps, but you don't get far always playing it safe. What attracts me the most is the rational acceptance of supposed irrational phenomena. The boundaries of science continue to expand, things within the known and understood portion of this boundary are rational, things outside it, irrational. Irrational that is until the boundaries include it thus making it suddenly and instantly rational. Kinda funny when I think about it really.
I've always been drawn to both scientists and mystics, believing the two could safely intermingle. It's an interesting thing to consider mystics. More especially the ones that fit into religious molds. To be any kind of mystic you have to believe fairly strongly in things that can not be proven, the irrational. But what I find interesting are the ones who deny even the things that can be proven, the rational. It's the opposite of the extreme rational scientists, who don't believe in anything outside of what is known. The extreme mystics believe entirely in what they believe, even unto the apparent conflict with consensus reality. God(s), demons, angels, all these are real to the mystic. Why? Because they believe so, simple as that. Both extremes susceptible to stifling, self-fulfilling prophecies that invite little growth. Both would do better to make love than war.
But back to Atlantis. Personally I've never felt completely right about the world. Nothing ever really seems to make complete sense. Hard to put my finger on since it's just a feeling. There is and always has been more than meets the idea to this world. Something out of reach, but just so, only just so.
This is more of a "write it down so I don't forget it" post.
I had a dream today that I learned something from. I'm actually a bit amazed at that since I haven't often had dreams that convey a life lesson. But in this one I found myself the recipient of a gift as part of a friendly gathering. In the course of the gathering I got into the beginnings of an argument with the person who gave me the gift. But instead of staying and arguing I decided to politely recuse myself. I did that for the sole reason of trying to be nice. In my waking life I have the same tendency, to withdraw from situations involving conflict. But what I learned in the dream is how that isn't always the best response. Removing myself from a situation prevents me from making any headway in regards to learning. Not just about the subject matter being argued about but gaining life experience I can use to better myself. In the dream I regretted leaving and not continuing to argue with the person because I was beginning to realize how the same intensity that helps me in other areas, say writing software, isn't quite so useful in regards to personal relationships.
The other thing I've learned recently concerns my cat, forgiveness, and in general the letting go of deeply felt feelings that in some way I've discovered don't serve me well anymore. I'm not going to get into what my cat did to prompt things because I don't want the focus of this post on that, but I'll say she did things to piss me off thoroughly and perhaps your imagination can fill in the gaps. But after all that she made motions to be petted and meowed to be near me. The magical moment is when I dropped my wall of anger and liked her again. It was a split second realization that the initial anger I felt had run its course and no longer needed to be expressed. So continuing to do so was making it detrimental rather than being an honest expression of feelings like it initially was. That realization, small as it was, is at the core of forgiveness it seems. I've actually noticed quite a few areas in my life where I choose to push and accentuate the anger I feel long past the incident that prompted it. It's an odd thing really. It's like there's an attachment that develops betwixt the anger and myself, so letting it go is like saying...I was wrong. And we can't have that, now can we. :P
I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but because of a busying life haven't quite had the time. And it keeps nagging at me..
Because of my new job I've come across someone who's younger than me who's in a more advanced role career-wise than myself. What makes it even more interesting is that I was around the individual before they had even entered the workforce. As much as I think highly of myself I have to admit to pangs of jealously. The prompter of this post though was my attempt to make myself feel better by identifying some area where I was better than the other person.
Why am I doing this I thought. Like I said I do think highly of myself, and when I let the modesty slide for a bit I recognize I do excel in areas. But, again, what does it matter. Life isn't a competition. There's no prize for being better than or greater than someone or something else. Rewards: money, prestige, fame; those are prizes. :) True enough, but what is the gain to strive for more than another. I could've done the things the other person did to get themselves to where they're at now, but I didn't. It was my choice. Certain things attract my attention more than others, just as certain things attract their attention. We strive towards the things we're attracted to.
There's a certain element of judgment involved here, a grass is greener on the other side. What value do I place on things. How do I choose to view things. Comparisons with another. Why want what I don't want?
The more I think about it desires to be more than another stem from an unacknowledged lack within myself. Being critical of my natural tendencies.
It makes me happy being drawn to write things like this actually. :)