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Choosing a different path

Beliefs are a funny thing. Whatever the truth of them they have a very real affect on you. They guide your thoughts, in turn your actions; they're the blueprint of you in a very real sense.

So a couple of days ago I was at work talking with a friend and co-worker when he mentioned a conversation he had with a lady I have the hots for. We talk about her a lot but this particular day I was pissed and didn't want to hear it. (Side story: The previous day as I was walking in the hallway I saw her but she looked down to pretend she didn't see me. We've had some other pretend I don't see you moments in the past, from both of us, so it wasn't completely unexpected. But still, it hurt some to see her do that.) So, I was pissed when my friend was talking so exuberantly about her.

As I get more in-tune with myself as I age I'm starting to recognize patterns within myself, and one hit me as I was talking to my friend. It's a sinking feeling in my stomach, like even my throat is being pulled into a pit in my stomach. I notice it happens when I engage in a pattern that's self-destructive but yet one I feel I must force myself to take. Beliefs in action. This particular belief has taken a while to pin down but I've identified it for the most part. Whenever there's something that I want but I'm hesitant to reach for, if I experience any kind of hardship in an attempt to reach, then I adopt a stance that me or the other person would be better off if nothing happened.

One of the ways I use to work through things is to hold internal dialogue with myself. This day I imagined I was talking with me, my higher self. He, me, shared a different perspective on the situation, one from outside an incarnation. He mentioned how once this incarnation is over all I would be able to do is review it, not make any changes. He assured me that from the vantage point of a fuller view of the situation I would be amazed how easy it is to solve. By solve I mean choosing a different path from what I usually engage in. Right now I feel burdened by the accumulation of baggage, I feel I have to carry it. But I could just not. There's nothing forcing me to engage in behaviors that don't benefit me except my belief that I have to; oftentimes because I don't even realize I'm choosing. He also pointed out that instead of conducting a life review and wishing I had done something differently, what I really felt in my heart I would rather do, I actually can make changes now because I'm still living this life.

That's also when I realized what a great treasure it is to be alive. We can choose.