I'm really happy about something that happened today, even if on the surface it sucked.
There's a lady I've been trying to pursue for a while at work before my contract ends. It's been hard to gauge how she feels about me. She's very friendly with people, we've had lunch before, she mentioned having dinner, playing tennis. The first time I called after getting her number she never answered or called back. I hate talking to her during work because she's busy and it seems I can't call after work. So today I decided to walk over to her cubicle, the first time talking to her since calling. She said hello and had a I'm-busy-please-leave look. Being at work I asked if she was busy, she said yes, and I left after some pleasantries.
I'd been feeling terrible the days between calling and today, going back and forth over how she feels and the situation. One thing I noticed then was how similar some other girls I've known may have felt when I never followed up on their advances. Seemed like it was my turn to be in their shoes, to experience what they may have felt. I felt a similar karma situation today. There was a guy at this same job that would come over to my cubicle nearly every day toward the end of his contract. It always used to annoy me because I wanted to get back to work, hated being interrupted. I remember the I'm-busy-please-leave looks I used to give him, I remember the slightly sullen rejected look his expression changed to from his initial excitement. Heh… I still talked to him because I did enjoy it.
Having the feeling of stepping in his shoes I have to say it sucks. :) But it took having a similar experience of my own to really feel prompted to change my behavior. Now that sad feeling of knowing you don't need someone but you want them, and they don't want you, has hit home. I actually feel more inclined now to make time for people whereas I would've felt annoyed. Outwardly my actions might appear the same since I did talk to that guy, but the motivation would be different. That's the key thing I think. Change on the surface is easy, because usually it isn't real. The real changes, changes in consciousness, those are harder.
But the thing I'm most happy about today is that I feel I've done everything I can in regards to this lady. I don't feel the emotional anguish anymore, there really is happiness now. Not at the possibility nothing will happen with her, but that I was true to myself, I followed my heart and I know it.
I've read before it takes courage to do that, to explore the shadowy areas of yourself, the areas you feel ashamed to express. I never used to believe it much, thought it was just empty feel good talk people said. But I have to say being true to yourself is really one of the tougher things I've attempted in my life. The world encourages a sort of conformity of thought. As you progress from that you have multiple thoughts you can conform to, labels: biker, hippy, geek, etc. Further still is being, you. No labels, no framework to fall upon to inform you how you should be. Nothing to tell you if you're doing things right or wrong. The line from the Matrix comes to mind, "The Matrix can not tell you who you are." It really is amazing how invisible some of these labels are. You can be a conformist and not even realize it.
I really would like things to work out with this lady, she's a lot of what I want: physically attractive, is feminine and likes to dress up, not afraid to get dirty, into health and raw foods, exercising, smart. But I'm happy if nothing happens. Actually today the situation reminded me of a wonderful dream. I wake up and want to hold the feeling but it fades. I want to have the same dream the next day but it doesn't happen. All I can do is enjoy what I had for what it was, a wonderful experience. In a sort of real life dream I've been in an emotional state that set me up to learn lessons about myself. Perhaps that was the whole point of feeling this way about this woman. Maybe not, who knows. Either way it's a wonderful experience, something I can enjoy for what it has been.
Reading the title to Lauryn Hill's first album was probably the first time the idea of being misinformed entered my awareness. It's kind of funny to think about now but up until then I just never really questioned certain aspects about life. Some years later I was at a rally and someone I worked with mentioned you can't trust the news. It was shocking to hear, "What, Peter Jennings is lying to me?" impossible I thought. He seems so trusting. Around the same time a friend said she didn't consider herself an American. "Preposterous", I thought, "you live in this country!"
But certain ideas never leave you once they take root. Your mind drifts to them when it wanders. The ideas grow and grow until one day you start to question, "Is it possible I'm not being told everything by news anchors, is it possible they're lying to me?"
In terms of health I've always been skeptical of mainstream approaches, preferring natural approaches whenever possible. Didn't take me long to get a reverse osmosis water filtration system installed to avoid consuming fluoride. And so with my focus on questioning mainstream health ideology I thought I was immune to being lied to. One of the insiders, one of the few who've figured out the world is a scam. It was kind of nice thinking I had secret knowledge, even if told everyone who would listen what I knew.
So it's been quite an eye opening experience to come across the web site of Wade Frazier. I first came across his site while Googling about fluoride to post a comment to a news article on Yahoo. Figured I already knew what he was talking about so I would just scroll through his article to find the fact I was looking for. That was a few weeks ago and I'm still reading, riveted at what he's uncovered.
Did you know the United State's conquest of America was a lot like what Hitler did to the Jews? Of course not, you're probably thinking, Hitler was evil. But Americans killed many many natives in order to make the United States what it is today. It's not really secret knowledge, every American knows this land was already populated when European settlers came, but what happened to the natives…
The specifics of Wade's site, though utterly fascinating to me, aren't really what interests me the most. No, it's my mindset I had going into it. Thoughts I've never had, ideas I've never questioned. Why didn't I ever think about the sheer numbers of natives that used to live on this land. Why didn't I ever wonder how it's possible for the United States to have issues with obesity when other countries face issues of starvation. Why didn't I ever wonder why we spend so much money maintaining military bases around the world when we have people living in poverty here.
The more I read the sadder I get really. It really does feel like I'm learning the truth about history and the world for the first time. When I was a kid I used to wonder sometimes how did planes know to fly where they went, why did certain stores close and not others. "Things just happened" I thought. But I wondered. Now it's becoming clearer there are specific people that make things happen. There is no invisible hand that regulates the market or economy, there are specific people that do this, usually for their own benefit. Things don't just happen.