I stand on the edge of a cliff, a place I've been to before several times. All the roads I follow lead me here. In the past I was afraid of where I ended up, couldn't believe my path ended here...turned my head and created another path, away from the cliff's edge, too dangerous. Invariably, given what I'm writing about, those paths led me back to the same spot. I've tried so many diversions now I can't help but recognize these alternative paths for what they are, diversions.
Last night I was out with a woman I've been with several times before. Every time she comes over and we sit on the couch I realize why I never commit to her. She just sits there, sobs about her life into a pillow cushion. I have the means to help her, I know she wants this, but I can't do it, I don't want to. She's easy, she's available, but she's not what I want. I'm not willing to claim what I do want despite knowing with near absolute certainty I have the power to create and have what I want.
In the moment I wake up I remember my lady friend left last night without us doing anything. We were in the bed and I just couldn't bring myself to consummate the night with her. I heard her get up as she thought I was sleeping. I saw the other bathroom light turn on, stay on for a while, and turn off. I heard the door open and close. I peeked out a window blind and saw her in her car, engine on and ready to go. I open the door intending to ask her what she's doing, to come inside because it's cold. But in that moment I knew I had a choice. To choose what I really didn't want, or let her go and free myself to go after what I really do want. I close the door without stepping outside. She doesn't see me, I watch her drive away. I've made my decision.
In the moment I woke up I realized all of this. I realize I have the power within me to create the relationship I want. I realize how my not having it is connected to my running away from my own power. Rather than seize it, I deny it and choose a bottom-feeder -- haha, no offense meant, inside joke. Because I choose to deny who I am and what I'm capable of, by falsely choosing humility over recognizing my power, I've created the situation with this woman and others. So much is coming together and making sense to me.
It's scary to me to claim my power, to recognize what I'm capable of in confidence because my ego knows that'll be the death of it. It's spent lifetimes investing my energies into the maintenance of itself. It doesn't want to go. I realize why: it wants acknowledgment. It doesn't want all of its efforts to be wasted, for it all to have been for nothing. I smile and feel so loving inside as I realize this. That's all it wants, acknowledgment. I tell it it hasn't been for nothing. That we've learned so much together, that I won't forget the adventures and the service it's brought me. Since my ego is me it knows I mean what I say. It knows I love it and won't let its existence fade into obscurity. I ask it to join hands with me, merge with me as we begin another grand adventure. I ask it to be loved with all my heart and join back with me, a piece of me I saw too long as separate.
So much is making sense to me. I imagine telling my spiritual midwife this. I imagine writing and sharing this. This is a special moment for me. A simple realization is when it's all going to change. It's nowhere near as dramatic as I had imagined. :) No precipice to jump over, no fanfare, no theatrics. There never was a precipice. I get that now, lol.