Blog de Humpty

Power

Humpty — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 04:40:25 GMT

So I sit here inspired enough to write again! I've found the things I say tend to be more meaningful when I wait until the feeling comes.

Lately I've been watching old TV shows via Netflix. Old as in, say, 1999. :) Time does fly, huh. Roswell was the show I never got around to watching during its original run on TV so it was nice to fulfill a dream and take a stroll down memory lane at the same time.

One theme of the show stuck out to me. It's one I've seen in many many stories, whether told via the medium of audio/visual, print, or aurally. Power. Some want it. They want it so much in fact it becomes a right for them. What's yours should be theirs by virtue of their desire. :) Not a completely foreign idea to most, the desire to want. What was interesting about Roswell was to see the motivation of those who not only desire but desire to keep all others away. Greed.

As a kid – okay and I admit sometimes as an adult :) – I've desired some special power: invisibility, super this, super that. Lately the question of why has popped up. What purpose would it serve. The benefit lies solely in its lack in others. What good is super this and that if everyone has it, it's no longer super, no longer special. It's a never ending chimera, a pot at the end of the rainbow, chasing something that will always be… just out of reach.

One word

Humpty — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:05:30 GMT

I was composing an email to someone yesterday and at the end I hesitated about writing something. I was trying to figure out if I should say it or not, make up some excuse so I wouldn't seem so bad in the eyes of the other person. And then it just hit me, why not just write what I feel? It makes me laugh a lot now but it really was just a sudden epiphany: just tell the truth. Not a command or directive, it really came in the guise of a question.

I ended up just saying how I felt, or really the core of what I felt. But in the moment that question was posed to me I felt alive, excited, joyful, exuberant. Recently I've mentioned wanting to live my life in a certain, rather inchoate, way. But in that moment I knew exactly what, or where, that way was!

I don't want to pollute the feeling with too much intellectualizing. But if I could describe it it would be like looking at a scene you've seen your entire life and on a whim you decide to look at it cross-eyed instead! And lo and behold you see something totally different than what you've ever seen. Just like those Magic Eye images. Pop! Right there in front of you, a new way of seeing things. Been there the whole time, just had to look at it in a certain, intentioned, way.

Before I let my heart end its excitement about this and let my mind take over I do want to say I enjoy the visualization of the heart as a compass. It is a lot like that. It doesn't just draw your attention to things, it also attracts those things to you. Magnetism.

Okay, so now I can intellectualize. *(^O^)* It was eye opening to be in front of that question: why not just say what I feel. I had to think about the reasons and motivations for lying. And they are many and varied. But typically my answers revolved around saving face, fear of losing another's love or affection by openly revealing myself. But why not just say what I feel? Haha, such an honest and simple question.

Writing efficient SQL article

Humpty — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 21:40:00 GMT

Writing Efficient SQL: Set-Based Speed Phreakery

Just read a fantastic article that dissected some SQL code that generated a running total report over a million rows in less than a second; thought I'd pass it on. Even if you're not "a SQL guy or gal" I think it could be of benefit, if nothing else for learning the techniques summarized at the end of the article so you can use them in other environments.

If you do decide to follow along with the article to better understand everything but don't have the tools necessary to do so, don't fret! I used SQL Server 2008 Express Edition. After you get it setup you can download the sample data via links in the article. And since they don't explain how to actually import all that data – assuming you go for the million row sample data download – use the bcp command.

Create a database on your newly setup server, name it whatever you want.
Create a new query window and issue the CREATE TABLE command from the article.
Now you can use bcp (Bulk Copy Provider?). From a command prompt window type something like the following:

bcp Play.dbo.Registrations in registrations.bcp -S humpty\sqlexpress -T

Where Play is the database name I used and humpty\sqlexpress is the server name on my machine. Just press enter at all the prompts you get asked until the import starts.

Mimi Rogers likes the fish

Humpty — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 07:01:36 GMT

So did I ever tell you the one about the fish out of water who walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary? No? Ha, that's because I never knew a fish that could hold his liquor, let alone walk into a bar to get it. But what I do know is I have an itch to scratch by writing.

I had an interesting Monday this week. I was shopping in the grocery section of the grocery store when a bundle of kale fell to the floor. I thought someone else would pick it up, surely not me, but it landed in front of my path so I picked it up. Later I realized I forgot to get something, and as I decided to go get it a head of lettuce fell down in front of my path. This time I was delighted to pick it up. Honestly I had the impression someone was trying to communicate with me. Sound crazy? About as crazy as a fish boozing it up. But I'm cool with crazy. I'm rather settling on the idea limiting my thoughts to the mold of others isn't very exciting, nor fun.

So why would I think someone is trying to communicate with me given what I experienced? Just a thought, nothing more. But thoughts are things, and entertaining. One thought I like is of them being like magnets, drawing things to themselves; a thought form. Given that thought one should pay attention to what thoughts to entertain and be entertained by. :)

But the deeper thought is a desire to live my life a certain way. Almost like putting paint to canvas, or in my case code to file. My desire is getting more fleshed out, less vague. That Atlantis post attracted me and stirred something. I don't really like the way modern society operates. I was reading once where someone described modern humans as like rapists upon the Earth. We bend it to our will: blow up mountains to get at resources underneath, dirty rivers in order to continue the opportunity to blow up more mountains. The idea of working with the Earth seems so foreign to our mass consciousness.

I like the idea too of working in harmony together. What is the purpose of work? To get money to buy food and shelter? To get money to then get into debt to buy more stuff? Couldn't we simply give each other what we needed or wanted? No, because we're rapists. We want more and more, never satisfied. Why ask for one head of cabbage if I can ask for two, or three. Why tend to a garden if this other guy will just give me stuff, for free!

There've been utopian visions before, even fully acted upon, only to fail.. :( Human nature is too rapacious at times it seems. But yet I desire; without the thought there is no form, no nothing. I know in my heart it's possible.

Bizarro World

Humpty — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 04:00:00 GMT

This country is crazy. Just read how Obama is going to start being concerned about the middle class again. Did it really take the loss of Edward Kennedy's seat to a Republican to bring about this sudden change of heart? Obama, did you think your actions concerning the middle class were sufficient while you were busying yourself supporting Bush's bank bailouts and trying to sell us out to health insurance companies? I appreciate your newfound concern Mr. President, I really do, but your previous actions demonstrate the kind of policies you'd prefer to pursue.

The thing that gets me the most about this whole mess is how much money there seems to be available for fighting wars, but when it comes to helping Americans suddenly the country's tapped out. Domestic programs get cut while the war in Afghanistan gets tens of thousands of new troops. Seriously, how crazy is a country that so enthusiastically supports war on foreign soil but cares so little about its own.

"These become the elite. Through these, the attempt begins to create a condition whereby the remainder of the planetary entities are enslaved by their free will."

The people I can't get are those that support decisions like the Supreme Court's to allow corporations to spend unlimited amount of money on political campaigns, because of free speech. The beneficiaries of this money I can understand being excited, they're greedy. But the people who won't get any direct benefit from this, the people who are far more likely to be harmed by this ruling, I don't get their support. Screaming and shouting about defense of free speech, really? The same corporations that admitted to lying about the addictiveness of smoking, the links to cancer, these are the corporations you want to empower to be able to spend money on political candidates? Am I living in bizarro world! You want to support a foreign owned company spending money on a candidate that'll support laws favoring their country to the detriment of the U.S.? Free speech, really?

This whole left vs. right, liberal vs. conservative fight isn't getting this country anywhere productive. While we fight it out over abortion, gun laws, or any myriad of social issues our pocketbooks get lighter and lighter while prices get higher and higher. Bank fees become more numerous and punitive. But hey, let's argue about something else instead.

Geeky programming stuff

Humpty — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 04:08:00 GMT

So I'm still working on LastTab 3. Yeah I know I mentioned this in late 2008, but a sudden impromptu job search last year shifted my energies elsewhere. In any case I'm back to it. I'm actually not going to talk about LastTab specifically but a few cool things I discovered this weekend I want to share.

Consolas programming font

So I installed Visual Studio 2010 beta 2 and discovered it looks pretty sweet. Specifically it was that damn font that took my breath away! A quick trip to Tools -> Options -> Environment -> Fonts and Colors revealed the name: Consolas.

Apparently this thing has been around for a few years now but I'm just now learning about it. According to Wikipedia it's available as of Windows Vista / 7 or Office 2007, it's also a download from Microsoft if you use Visual Studio 2005+. I have ClearType enabled on my system and apparently you need this or it looks like crap. Not only that I've heard it looks its best on Vista or 7, not XP. But if you do have all of that this font looks good! Not even that but I also got back more editing space. Using Courier New I could only fit 159 characters of text x 48 lines, now I can fit 182 x 51.

JavaScript Closures

The other thing that got me jazzed enough to write is my ever increasing use of closures while writing LastTab. I've been using object notation to write the code ever since its inception, way back in 2004. In case you're not familiar with it it's simply this:

var object = {
    property1 : value,
    property2 : value
};

It's used all over the Web to keep variables and functions nice and tidy so they don't interfere with other scripts. With LastTab 3 I'm rewriting everything and I have a good deal more objects than the 2.x series. Not just that but I'm emulating as best I can object orientation: classes, inheritance, polymorphism, private members. Closures have been instrumental to this. Not always specifically to enable OOP but closures make it much nicer. Below is some sample code to illustrate this:

let LastTab = function() {
    /******************** Classes ********************/
    function Delegate(thisObj, func) {
        return function() { func.apply(thisObj, arguments); };
    }
    
    function List() {}
    
    /******************** Class Definitions ********************/
    List.prototype = {
        get Enumerator() {
            for(let i = 0; i < this.length; i++)
                yield this[i];
        },
        
        Add : function(item) {
            this.push(item);
            return item;
        },
        
        Clear : function() {
            this.splice(0, this.length);
        },
        
        Contains : function(item) {
            for(let i = 0; i < this.length; i++)
                if(this[i] === item)
                    return true;
            return false;
        },
        
        Find : function(predicate) {
            for(let i = 0; i < this.length; i++)
                if(predicate(this[i]))
                    return this[i];
            return null;
        },
        
        FindIndex : function(predicate) {
            for(let i = 0; i < this.length; i++)
                if(predicate(this[i]))
                    return i;
            return -1;
        },
        
        Insert : function(item, index) {
            this.splice(index, 0, item);
        },
        
        Remove : function(item) {
            let index = this.indexOf(item);
            if(index >= 0)
                return this.splice(index, 1)[0];
            return null;
        },
        
        /********** Infrastructure **********/
        __proto__ : new Array(),
        constructor : List
    };
    
    return {
        Delegate : Delegate,
        List : List
    };
}();

I left out a lot of code but what I have is just for illustrative purposes anyway. In the code LastTab is a variable, using JavaScript 1.7's let statement, and I'm assigning it a function. Or so it seems until the very end when I execute said function and the return result is an object using object notation. It's a style that jQuery and other frameworks use.

What's the point you ask. Well the whole thing is a closure so all the code within that anonymous function is free to talk to all the other code in the function, even though users of that LastTab variable only see two properties on the object: Delegate and List. You can have private classes essentially. Another useful consequence of putting everything in a closure is that it then effectively works like a namespace. Instead of me having to write LastTab.List all over the place I can simply say List.

with()

Namespaces segues into another interesting thing to share. Using closures to emulate namespaces is one of the nice benefits / side-effects of using them, but it's limited to just the code within it. If you find your codebase ballooning into the thousands of lines you'll undoubtedly want to put some of that code in other files to make it more manageable. That's where the with keyword can come into play to again simulate namespaces.

Now I first learned about JavaScript closures from Douglas Crockford and more so from this article. Douglas Crockford is a smart guy but one thing I was a little puzzled about was his branding the with keyword as evil. The crux of the argument is you don't really know if the variable you're using within a with block is attached to the object you specified in the with statement or not. Basically you can shoot yourself in the foot without knowing it. I will agree to that but used carefully the with statement is tremendously useful.

with(LastTab)
with(LastTab.Services)
{

LastTab.Focusing = function() {
    /******************** Classes ********************/
    let Focuser = {};
    
    /******************** Class Definitions ********************/
    Focuser.__proto__ = {
        Load : function() {
            gBrowser.mTabContainer.addEventListener("TabClose", new Delegate(this, this.OnTabClose), false);
            gBrowser.mTabContainer.addEventListener("click", new Delegate(this, this.OnTabBarClick), false);
            gBrowser.mTabContainer.addEventListener("mousedown", new Delegate(this, this.OnTabBarMouseDown), false);
        }
    };
    
    return {
        Focuser : Focuser
    };
}();

}

In the above code you see the Delegate class that I defined within the LastTab object being used. You only know it's really LastTab.Delegate because you've seen the code above. But that is the point. If you're writing your own code or examining the object library of someone else's you know which objects are in particular namespaces. If you get it wrong you get an error.

With JavaScript getting it wrong often times won't throw an error, it'll simply create the object! Well not always, but it's easy to shoot yourself in the foot without realizing it. With Java and the .NET Framework everything is a class and every class is in a namespace. That means at a minimum to call a class method or property you have to write something.something in your code. If that something isn't really a part of that other something you'll get an error, even in JavaScript. If you follow a similar discipline in JavaScript you'll never run into the problems in using the with statement.

So up above in the code LastTab.Focusing is being used by me as a namespace declaration; and Focuser is a static class within that namespace. If LastTab doesn't already exist I'll get an error, even though the code is within a with block. Now if I left out the LastTab part then I would have created a property on the LastTab.Services object and ended up with LastTab.Services.Focusing, not what I wanted.

All in all I think the way I'm using closures is pretty neat and is making the code more maintainable. I'm using with() to simulate the using statement in C# and closures to approximate the namespace statement. Things will probably change as I continue developing, but felt like sharing all the same.

Visualizing Harmonics

Humpty — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 01:33:43 GMT

This was too neat not to share. It's a video demonstrating different harmonic nodes from salt vibrating on a table.

(Please visit the site to view this media)

Atlantis

Humpty — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:11:00 GMT

"not to build into the physical vehicle its ending would be counterproductive to the mind/body/spirit complexes therein residing, for within the illusion it seems more lovely to be within the illusion than to drop the garment which has carried the mind/body/ spirit complex and move on"

It occurred to me today, and lately, that to a large degree I never really just come out and say what I mean or what I think. Were a Mack truck to hit me and cause me to depart this life, no one would really know all the kookiness residing upstairs.

I've thought about life in the form of a game for many years now. Imagine if you could live whatever kind of life you wanted as often as you wished. How boring it would become I imagine to do everything the right or proper way. If you've watched the movie Groundhog Day or the "Window of Opportunity" episode of Stargate SG-1 (season 4, episode 6) then you'll have an idea of what I mean. Sometimes when I play a game I have no intention of winning, I simply want to see what'll happen if I do such and such. "Will I die if I jump down that pit?" "Where exactly are all the gold coins?" "I'm just in a pissy mood and wanna blow some shit up man!" In the context of the game of moving towards the objective I might be playing "wrong", but it would be fun. :) What if I've already won the game and simply want to go through it again and admire the scenery.

Something I've thought about as well is Atlantis. You know that mythical land that couldn't possibly have existed. Well I seriously believe it did. Sound crazy? Perhaps, but you don't get far always playing it safe. What attracts me the most is the rational acceptance of supposed irrational phenomena. The boundaries of science continue to expand, things within the known and understood portion of this boundary are rational, things outside it, irrational. Irrational that is until the boundaries include it thus making it suddenly and instantly rational. Kinda funny when I think about it really.

I've always been drawn to both scientists and mystics, believing the two could safely intermingle. It's an interesting thing to consider mystics. More especially the ones that fit into religious molds. To be any kind of mystic you have to believe fairly strongly in things that can not be proven, the irrational. But what I find interesting are the ones who deny even the things that can be proven, the rational. It's the opposite of the extreme rational scientists, who don't believe in anything outside of what is known. The extreme mystics believe entirely in what they believe, even unto the apparent conflict with consensus reality. God(s), demons, angels, all these are real to the mystic. Why? Because they believe so, simple as that. Both extremes susceptible to stifling, self-fulfilling prophecies that invite little growth. Both would do better to make love than war.

But back to Atlantis. Personally I've never felt completely right about the world. Nothing ever really seems to make complete sense. Hard to put my finger on since it's just a feeling. There is and always has been more than meets the idea to this world. Something out of reach, but just so, only just so.

Back to back life lessons

Humpty — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:48:39 GMT

This is more of a "write it down so I don't forget it" post.

I had a dream today that I learned something from. I'm actually a bit amazed at that since I haven't often had dreams that convey a life lesson. But in this one I found myself the recipient of a gift as part of a friendly gathering. In the course of the gathering I got into the beginnings of an argument with the person who gave me the gift. But instead of staying and arguing I decided to politely recuse myself. I did that for the sole reason of trying to be nice. In my waking life I have the same tendency, to withdraw from situations involving conflict. But what I learned in the dream is how that isn't always the best response. Removing myself from a situation prevents me from making any headway in regards to learning. Not just about the subject matter being argued about but gaining life experience I can use to better myself. In the dream I regretted leaving and not continuing to argue with the person because I was beginning to realize how the same intensity that helps me in other areas, say writing software, isn't quite so useful in regards to personal relationships.

The other thing I've learned recently concerns my cat, forgiveness, and in general the letting go of deeply felt feelings that in some way I've discovered don't serve me well anymore. I'm not going to get into what my cat did to prompt things because I don't want the focus of this post on that, but I'll say she did things to piss me off thoroughly and perhaps your imagination can fill in the gaps. But after all that she made motions to be petted and meowed to be near me. The magical moment is when I dropped my wall of anger and liked her again. It was a split second realization that the initial anger I felt had run its course and no longer needed to be expressed. So continuing to do so was making it detrimental rather than being an honest expression of feelings like it initially was. That realization, small as it was, is at the core of forgiveness it seems. I've actually noticed quite a few areas in my life where I choose to push and accentuate the anger I feel long past the incident that prompted it. It's an odd thing really. It's like there's an attachment that develops betwixt the anger and myself, so letting it go is like saying...I was wrong. And we can't have that, now can we. :P

Life is not a competition

Humpty — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 06:39:00 GMT

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but because of a busying life haven't quite had the time. And it keeps nagging at me..

Because of my new job I've come across someone who's younger than me who's in a more advanced role career-wise than myself. What makes it even more interesting is that I was around the individual before they had even entered the workforce. As much as I think highly of myself I have to admit to pangs of jealously. The prompter of this post though was my attempt to make myself feel better by identifying some area where I was better than the other person.

Why?

Why am I doing this I thought. Like I said I do think highly of myself, and when I let the modesty slide for a bit I recognize I do excel in areas. But, again, what does it matter. Life isn't a competition. There's no prize for being better than or greater than someone or something else. Rewards: money, prestige, fame; those are prizes. :) True enough, but what is the gain to strive for more than another. I could've done the things the other person did to get themselves to where they're at now, but I didn't. It was my choice. Certain things attract my attention more than others, just as certain things attract their attention. We strive towards the things we're attracted to.

There's a certain element of judgment involved here, a grass is greener on the other side. What value do I place on things. How do I choose to view things. Comparisons with another. Why want what I don't want?

The more I think about it desires to be more than another stem from an unacknowledged lack within myself. Being critical of my natural tendencies.

It makes me happy being drawn to write things like this actually. :)

Highland - No Way Out (Orchid & Narcose Remix)

Humpty — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:07:47 GMT

I made my first YouTube video! Of other people's stuff. :P I only did it because the song that's the subject of this post hasn't been released in 5 years and that's a shame. It's an awesome progressive trance piece, check it out.

(Please visit the site to view this media)

Purple purple purple...excuse me ^_^

Humpty — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:36:00 GMT

Rambling is creative mind expression, what you get when you let the structures controlling thought drift away, if only for a while. :)

The subject for today's regularly scheduled ramble is centeredness. If time permits a dash of self-deprecating thought analysis. So why do I feel centered? Because I feel happy a lot lately. It's weird, it almost feels a gravity of sorts. I have an urge, an energy, to reach out, but leaving doesn't feel as happy as where I am. The seeker finding what it has sought. Does that make sense? On some level it does, madness is genius on some level.

Am I proud or arrogant or elitist in some fashion to think I'm a genius on some level? What limiting thoughts. No, not the proud part, but the self-judging one. Who needs an external critic when you can take their best traits and make them your own. That's what I've realized I do. A way for me to feel I can beat my critics, imaginary or not, at their own game. But what does it matter if another gets their jollies with the perception of my misfortune. If that's what makes them happy, who am I to deny them that. Fall and stumble I may!

Life is fun, life is enjoyable, it always and ever is. In the midst of pressing issues it may not seem as much. Sometimes, in retrospect, different areas are illuminated. The perspective of looking back can come, well, only when you look back. :) Can't look forward to look back. That's the fun and beauty of life, the perspectives. So so many perspectives. With a box of 64 color Crayolas do I play with only 3 colors, always and ever? But there are so many other colors to paint with! How much more lively the tapestry might be. More vivid. Vivider? Is that a word? Shucks, it is, and here I thought I was making it up.

I met someone today that I've met before and before. Every day for weeks now, I meet her. Today she was different when I met her again. I wondered in the drive back about asking her a question. If you were to die today would you be happy with the life you've lived? I like to think she'd say yes!

Fortune favors the bold

Humpty — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:27:00 GMT

So I got my first paycheck today from the new job and I can't believe it! This is actually happening, I'm living my new life! :D

So you wanna know what else is cool? I'm actually enjoying the job. The work environment is like a software development shop even though it's a bank. We have daily team meetings where we discuss issues. In the beginning I didn't know enough to contribute but I'm gradually able to more and more. It's a cool group of people I work with, it's fun. Challenging, yes, but fun. The building I work in is like an airport. The entire complex is composed of 9 lookalike buildings with 6 floors each. I park in a parking deck now, yay! No seriously, it's free. :) I feel big time now, haha. The concourse area of the complex has a food court with a Quiznos, cafeteria, junk food shops, fitness center, bank tellers (of course), an optometrist, doctor's, and dentist's office, there's even some beauty shop and a daycare. There are break rooms on every floor with each containing vending machines, microwaves, refrigerators, and sinks. This place is crazy, and I'm a part of it! Nothing at all like what I thought it would be, not at all.

Last Friday I spent the entire day writing up a mock up of an idea I had to improve the application we're working on. There are 4 people on the team who've worked on it longer than me, and 2 others who are new like me, so I was a bit nervous to put myself out there like that. The new guy proposing changes. That's why I'm there really so I shouldn't have been that concerned, but still I was. Come back to work on Monday and apparently people liked it! Turns out I wasn't the only one to suggest what I did, previous people who've worked on the app have suggested something similar. But it was still nice to think that after 7 days or so on the job I identified the same problem area and solution as others.

And to think I doubted myself before taking the job. :P At times I would get nervous when I realized what I had gotten myself into. I haven't drawn up flowcharts and written design documents in, like, never, but here I am, doing it. Almost felt like I bluffed my way into a job I wasn't qualified for, but now I realize I am qualified, most definitely. There are some smart people that work here, and one of them decided to hire me! Ha.

My last day

Humpty — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:03:00 GMT

So today was the last day at my current, now former, job. I started the day waking up at 4 in the morning worrying if I'm making the right decision. I left a full-time position at a comfortable place that I've been at for 9 years for a 12 - 18 month contract at a major company. Some things that people have said to me in the past about my job performance also was weighing me down, making me doubt whether I could pull this new job off. After about an hour of pondering my situation I went back to bed, nothing really solved. By the time I woke up at 7 I was a tad better but still mostly doubting myself. After eating breakfast I had an internal inspirational dialogue. I ended up telling myself that there is no right or wrong in the living of a life. Whether a decision leads to more negative outcomes than positive the point of life isn't to judge, but to experience. And there is no safety in experience, no guarantees. Safety comes at a cost, namely freedom and aliveness.

For the first time in a very long time I feel alive inside. I'm actively leading my life, not passively reacting to what comes my way. It's very possible the contracting position could end after 6 months, or less, but even knowing the possibility I'm happy. Logically I have savings to sustain me and a strong enough skill set to find a new job quickly. Emotionally I like the feeling of riding a shark that a dream of mine conveyed. I'm going to have to trust myself and my abilities to a high degree.

Still, it's kind of awesome that I've left a job after 9 years. Not awesome as in really neat, but awesome as in awe-inspiring. My former job was very comfortable, many many people end up staying there far longer than they imagined, decades even. It's amazing how attached to a place, a lifestyle, you can become. Despite being unhappy and feeling dead inside for months before I even decided to contemplate quitting, I remained. It's easy to continue as you were the previous day; inertia. It takes effort to change, change I couldn't muster myself without a qualifying event. In any case, I'm out and looking forward to the next book in my grand old life adventure.

Fondest wish

Humpty — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:18:46 GMT

I realized today a fond wish I have, maybe even my fondest wish. Simply put I want my inner world to be my outer world. I want to follow my heart so often that it ceases becoming a special thing to me. Like if it were sunny all day long eventually you'd lose the concept of night. Similarly I want to lose the concept of following my heart and have that transform into being.

I realized this is a fond desire of mine after regretting missing an opportunity today. Since I'm leaving my current job I'm making an effort to rectify relationships that are on the rocks. I spoke to said person today and we ended up playing voice mail tag. Later on a friend IMd saying she'd like to talk, it seemed important. As I was leaving work I started working my phone to find the contact entry when I noticed the person I called walking in front of me. I hadn't yet placed the call but I fell into my current habit of not talking to her. That's not what I wanted to do, but it felt easier to pretend I was buried in the phone. When I got home I had a strong feeling of regret of missing an opportunity. We could've talked then and there and I could've called my friend later; my friend I can talk to anytime, this other person not so much since I'm leaving soon. Still I took the path of fear.

It's kind of odd that in such moments you have epiphanies. But that was when I realized I really hate the feeling of missing an opportunity, of not choosing what I really want because of fear. It just dawned on me how much I hate that feeling, so much so I realized what would make me happy.

I suppose if life were easy it would be no problem to just up and follow my heart. And in truth I always acknowledge that ever-present possibility. But yet I also acknowledge the entirety of my self, my inconsistencies and hesitations. That was work in and of itself not too long ago, I used to run from myself! Haha. But now I have a new goal for the compass that is my heart. Destination: oblivion and eternity. To lose myself to my heart and my passions in finer and ever finer degrees. This is the life I will be building.