Blog de Humpty : personal

Know yourself

Humpty — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 03:21:03 GMT

Interesting interesting interesting day at work today! I learned something! Or I should say I'm learning something. I'll explain.

The Setup

On the team I'm working with I've been moved to a part of it responsible for improving the app we're working on, in a more long-term or substantial way. There are three of us. One of us has been designated the leader of this subsection of the team, and that one of us isn't me. :) However, our leader had some rather ambitious plans for improving the app, namely rewriting it by starting with the user interface first. This application is huge, requiring seven people to support it, and yet we still have issues dealing with it. So suggesting a rewrite in the manner our leader was suggesting was seen as foolhardy by practically everyone but him. So even though the leader is a full-time employee and I'm just a contractor, I made my feelings known to him and to the rest of the team at our group meeting.

Since pretty much everyone was in agreement his plan was crazy he was told to mostly abandon his approach and adopt a more modest phased approach. Although I'm not the leader of our group I am the only one of us who has worked on the app in a substantial way. I saw the pitfalls in our leader's plan because, although he's the leader, he's never really worked on the code and didn't fully grasp the scope of what he was trying to accomplish. So what this means is that I'm sort of a power behind the throne. I actually feel I should be in charge simply because I understand what has to be done better, the other guy on the team agrees. But I'm comfortable with the way things are: I express myself and make my feelings known so I'm happy.

Meanwhile a new member of the larger team has been causing a bit of a ruckus. He's a smart guy, I can tell, and I'm pretty sure he can teach me some things. But I think he's afflicted with the condition of many new people joining a team: I'm going to fix everything my way regardless of whether or not I realize the impact of my decisions. Three times now he's been caught modifying code outside of the scope that he was asked to look at. Two of those times resulted in runtime errors in code that previously worked, the other was a refactoring of a major section of code only weeks away from attempting to go into production. Although he's smart and knows a lot I really wish he would stop "fixing" things. He was asked by our team lead, not the same leader I mentioned above, to back out the changes he made in all three instances.

That refactored code he was working on has become his pet project. No one's asked him to do it, he's just taken it upon himself to make the code better. So even though he backed his change out he just checked it in to a different part of the source code tree. So today was a slow day at work: it's warm out – 90 degrees, yay! – all the various leaders are out, meetings canceled, you get the idea. So I get a message from the guy that he's checked in code to the area our small subsection of 3 people has been using! What in the world, you did what!! Why!? He's also noticed the code won't compile and offers to fix it.

I told him no we don't need your help to fix the code since we know it's broken already. And it's broken for a reason, namely our leader is out and left it in an inconsistent state thinking it wouldn't matter since no one but us 3 would be using it. I'm actually glad he asked before "fixing" it because he has become known for just doing stuff. But I was pissed about the code he checked in, his pet project again. I told him he needs to communicate more. It is very disruptive when you're working on something and things just start changing when you don't expect them to. He's definitely of the tact of doing something first and asking forgiveness than asking for permission the first time. It's a tactic I've used myself when I felt what I wanted to do wouldn't be approved but I thought it was the right thing to do.

The Score

Here's where the lessons begin to come into play, everything else was just preamble to give meaning to this. Because this guy asked me if he should back out his changes I felt I had power. What complicated my decision was my personal feelings against him. He reminds me of myself actually. I've been in his shoes, I've done things without telling people until I was done, and saying no was more difficult. I knew what I was doing and I can tell he does too with his latest action. I undermined our 3-man team leader in that group meeting, and to his face – or voice since he doesn't work on-site – and I felt this guy had undermined me by checking in this code. It's not "my" code actually, it's the company's, but the kind of work we're supposed to be doing isn't his domain. It once wasn't my domain either but that didn't stop me from sending emails to the people whose domain it was suggesting things. Eventually I got moved to this part of the team.

So in the moment he asked me if he should back out his change I knew I had a dilemma. Go with personal feelings or the wider view? I don't think I've ever been in this position before, a position of power. I know he feels as strongly about his pet project as I did about mine in the past. I was honest with him and told him the other team members should be consulted before a decision was made, but that personally I feel he should back it out. In this situation I actually think I'm justified in saying so because our work is going to be disruptive on its own to the main team, tacking his on top will just add more uncertainty. His work needs to be done, just not right now.

I've definitely learned in recent days I have issues with people who act like me. Not just this guy either, another guy on our team. It's more than interesting the people I have issues with… Aside from that is the lesson of power, and responsibly and compassionately using it. Although this was just one small incident I think it has a lesson for me, prompting me to orient my thoughts in a certain way, consider things I might not otherwise consider. I wouldn't mind being a team lead one day myself, and having power I'd want to use it wisely. Having to face myself and my motivations today was definitely humbling; but I think I did okay.

Know yourself.

Mimi Rogers likes the fish

Humpty — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 09:01:36 GMT

So did I ever tell you the one about the fish out of water who walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary? No? Ha, that's because I never knew a fish that could hold his liquor, let alone walk into a bar to get it. But what I do know is I have an itch to scratch by writing.

I had an interesting Monday this week. I was shopping in the grocery section of the grocery store when a bundle of kale fell to the floor. I thought someone else would pick it up, surely not me, but it landed in front of my path so I picked it up. Later I realized I forgot to get something, and as I decided to go get it a head of lettuce fell down in front of my path. This time I was delighted to pick it up. Honestly I had the impression someone was trying to communicate with me. Sound crazy? About as crazy as a fish boozing it up. But I'm cool with crazy. I'm rather settling on the idea limiting my thoughts to the mold of others isn't very exciting, nor fun.

So why would I think someone is trying to communicate with me given what I experienced? Just a thought, nothing more. But thoughts are things, and entertaining. One thought I like is of them being like magnets, drawing things to themselves; a thought form. Given that thought one should pay attention to what thoughts to entertain and be entertained by. :)

But the deeper thought is a desire to live my life a certain way. Almost like putting paint to canvas, or in my case code to file. My desire is getting more fleshed out, less vague. That Atlantis post attracted me and stirred something. I don't really like the way modern society operates. I was reading once where someone described modern humans as like rapists upon the Earth. We bend it to our will: blow up mountains to get at resources underneath, dirty rivers in order to continue the opportunity to blow up more mountains. The idea of working with the Earth seems so foreign to our mass consciousness.

I like the idea too of working in harmony together. What is the purpose of work? To get money to buy food and shelter? To get money to then get into debt to buy more stuff? Couldn't we simply give each other what we needed or wanted? No, because we're rapists. We want more and more, never satisfied. Why ask for one head of cabbage if I can ask for two, or three. Why tend to a garden if this other guy will just give me stuff, for free!

There've been utopian visions before, even fully acted upon, only to fail.. :( Human nature is too rapacious at times it seems. But yet I desire; without the thought there is no form, no nothing. I know in my heart it's possible.

Fortune favors the bold

Humpty — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:27:00 GMT

So I got my first paycheck today from the new job and I can't believe it! This is actually happening, I'm living my new life! :D

So you wanna know what else is cool? I'm actually enjoying the job. The work environment is like a software development shop even though it's a bank. We have daily team meetings where we discuss issues. In the beginning I didn't know enough to contribute but I'm gradually able to more and more. It's a cool group of people I work with, it's fun. Challenging, yes, but fun. The building I work in is like an airport. The entire complex is composed of 9 lookalike buildings with 6 floors each. I park in a parking deck now, yay! No seriously, it's free. :) I feel big time now, haha. The concourse area of the complex has a food court with a Quiznos, cafeteria, junk food shops, fitness center, bank tellers (of course), an optometrist, doctor's, and dentist's office, there's even some beauty shop and a daycare. There are break rooms on every floor with each containing vending machines, microwaves, refrigerators, and sinks. This place is crazy, and I'm a part of it! Nothing at all like what I thought it would be, not at all.

Last Friday I spent the entire day writing up a mock up of an idea I had to improve the application we're working on. There are 4 people on the team who've worked on it longer than me, and 2 others who are new like me, so I was a bit nervous to put myself out there like that. The new guy proposing changes. That's why I'm there really so I shouldn't have been that concerned, but still I was. Come back to work on Monday and apparently people liked it! Turns out I wasn't the only one to suggest what I did, previous people who've worked on the app have suggested something similar. But it was still nice to think that after 7 days or so on the job I identified the same problem area and solution as others.

And to think I doubted myself before taking the job. :P At times I would get nervous when I realized what I had gotten myself into. I haven't drawn up flowcharts and written design documents in, like, never, but here I am, doing it. Almost felt like I bluffed my way into a job I wasn't qualified for, but now I realize I am qualified, most definitely. There are some smart people that work here, and one of them decided to hire me! Ha.

My last day

Humpty — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 06:03:00 GMT

So today was the last day at my current, now former, job. I started the day waking up at 4 in the morning worrying if I'm making the right decision. I left a full-time position at a comfortable place that I've been at for 9 years for a 12 - 18 month contract at a major company. Some things that people have said to me in the past about my job performance also was weighing me down, making me doubt whether I could pull this new job off. After about an hour of pondering my situation I went back to bed, nothing really solved. By the time I woke up at 7 I was a tad better but still mostly doubting myself. After eating breakfast I had an internal inspirational dialogue. I ended up telling myself that there is no right or wrong in the living of a life. Whether a decision leads to more negative outcomes than positive the point of life isn't to judge, but to experience. And there is no safety in experience, no guarantees. Safety comes at a cost, namely freedom and aliveness.

For the first time in a very long time I feel alive inside. I'm actively leading my life, not passively reacting to what comes my way. It's very possible the contracting position could end after 6 months, or less, but even knowing the possibility I'm happy. Logically I have savings to sustain me and a strong enough skill set to find a new job quickly. Emotionally I like the feeling of riding a shark that a dream of mine conveyed. I'm going to have to trust myself and my abilities to a high degree.

Still, it's kind of awesome that I've left a job after 9 years. Not awesome as in really neat, but awesome as in awe-inspiring. My former job was very comfortable, many many people end up staying there far longer than they imagined, decades even. It's amazing how attached to a place, a lifestyle, you can become. Despite being unhappy and feeling dead inside for months before I even decided to contemplate quitting, I remained. It's easy to continue as you were the previous day; inertia. It takes effort to change, change I couldn't muster myself without a qualifying event. In any case, I'm out and looking forward to the next book in my grand old life adventure.

Fondest wish

Humpty — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:18:46 GMT

I realized today a fond wish I have, maybe even my fondest wish. Simply put I want my inner world to be my outer world. I want to follow my heart so often that it ceases becoming a special thing to me. Like if it were sunny all day long eventually you'd lose the concept of night. Similarly I want to lose the concept of following my heart and have that transform into being.

I realized this is a fond desire of mine after regretting missing an opportunity today. Since I'm leaving my current job I'm making an effort to rectify relationships that are on the rocks. I spoke to said person today and we ended up playing voice mail tag. Later on a friend IMd saying she'd like to talk, it seemed important. As I was leaving work I started working my phone to find the contact entry when I noticed the person I called walking in front of me. I hadn't yet placed the call but I fell into my current habit of not talking to her. That's not what I wanted to do, but it felt easier to pretend I was buried in the phone. When I got home I had a strong feeling of regret of missing an opportunity. We could've talked then and there and I could've called my friend later; my friend I can talk to anytime, this other person not so much since I'm leaving soon. Still I took the path of fear.

It's kind of odd that in such moments you have epiphanies. But that was when I realized I really hate the feeling of missing an opportunity, of not choosing what I really want because of fear. It just dawned on me how much I hate that feeling, so much so I realized what would make me happy.

I suppose if life were easy it would be no problem to just up and follow my heart. And in truth I always acknowledge that ever-present possibility. But yet I also acknowledge the entirety of my self, my inconsistencies and hesitations. That was work in and of itself not too long ago, I used to run from myself! Haha. But now I have a new goal for the compass that is my heart. Destination: oblivion and eternity. To lose myself to my heart and my passions in finer and ever finer degrees. This is the life I will be building.

Lucifer, the lightbringer

Humpty — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 07:02:00 GMT

I feel so happy right now, no joke! I just have to get this out of me and share, it feels like a crime to keep it all to myself.

Sharing is the key aspect to my feeling, sharing myself that is. See my day started off in a conundrum because I have two job interviews next week, both at the end of the work day and on back to back days. My conundrum was how to actually get out of work in time to change into my suits -- more on that later -- and get to the interviews on time. I've already talked to my boss about my desire to leave but I don't necessarily want to advertise that. My first idea was to hide the fact that I had interviews from my boss by skipping lunch and coming in early, thereby enabling me to leave early from work. I knew he'd notice my absence anyway, and it would be very suspicious for me to be gone so early on a workday. Then I thought of just asking for time off, not explaining why I needed it but just asking for it. My boss is a smart guy so he'd probably know why I wanted it off anyway. I seriously was torn on what to do: skip out without telling or ask for time off on short notice for two days people don't normally ask for time off. I ultimately decided to just ask for it knowing full well my actions would convey what I'm doing to him. But I felt really happy about my decision, mainly because I overcame a fear -- short-lived as it was. It is becoming so much easier to overcome my fears the more I do it.

My next conundrum came in the form of a recruiter calling wanting to setup an in-person interview for me. This would be a third interview to fit in next week. As happy as I was to hear that it actually caused a bit of stress, because at the point in time I heard this I wasn't sure what my boss' response was to my email asking for time off. She also talked a bit bad about one of the companies I was going to interview for, putting some doubt in my mind about working there. She even threw out a bit of info about the other company I was going to interview for that made me question working there. And to top it off she was in a hurry for my decision about her interview possibility. Yay, fun stuff...

That ended up resolving itself pretty nicely once I got my boss' reply and I was able to fit in interview #3. So by then I had a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly just wanting to talk to someone about this. I've been noticing a stronger desire to connect with people throughout my job search. Enough even to talk to my officemate whom I've been shunning for the most part since learning of our pay difference. It took some effort to overcome the inertia of my past silent treatment, but I just opened my mouth and let the words spill out. It feels so nice to feel like I'm speaking from the heart, doing what I want to do with little effort. We had a good chat, and making the first move wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be.

The day progressed well and the recruiter who called me at 8:30 at night, early in this week, about the job I'm interviewing for next week called. We're good to go to meet at the coffee house so he can finally meet me in person. I felt thrilled on the drive up. Here I was, jetting out of work to go have coffee with a guy I just met a few days ago, when did my life get so hectic and exciting. He and I ended up talking for an hour and I can really see us becoming friends. In the course of the talk he reveals to me he actually wants to get into my profession! Ha, how crazy cool I thought. I felt like a teacher as I began telling him some things he could do to get started. He has a dream / desire to be a software developer and I'm in a position to help.

The thing I like the most about my life lately is how I'm making my inner world my outer world. I'm not letting fears hold me back, at least not nearly so much. The same way you might swerve in a car to avoid a pothole I see my fears as bumps to avoid. They nudge the direction I choose to take but they don't cause me to wholesale brake like before. I literally felt like I was dancing even though I was standing still as I was relating my views on how life is to be lived while talking to the recruiter. I loved the thrill of feeling like I was sharing my new found passion for life and lighting the flame for someone else. How absolutely cool would it be for him to realize a desire he's been sitting on for years and know I had a part in that!! This is the kind of life I want to live and love.

So after feeling like Lucifer the Light Bringer I went over to Men's Warehouse and bought myself some digs! Two suits, two shirts, two ties, new belt, new shoes, and even a cedar shoetree for good measure. :P I love the slim fit of the suits and the shoes. Dude, I look fucking good.

Life is certainly to be lived. We get one chance at it, one chance. As I was so fond of saying today, people have mid-life crises because in the moments they have to choose between their love and their fear, they choose fear. They put the brakes on the exciting momentum they have, the energy stalls. :( I'm so very happy to have had the opportunity to experience what that's like, to let fear control me. I know what it feels like, I can relate to people when I see it in them. It excites me to no end to think I can be a spark that gets them plugging along again. (Har har, yuk yuk, he he :) ). I realize now my biggest enemy in life isn't anywhere out there; no, it's me. There used to be a time when I felt afraid of fear, even my imaginations of fear scared me. I closed myself off and developed defensive mechanisms of varying sorts, some quite comical. :) But now I recognize the fear. It stings a bit, and I still feel the urge to withdraw at times, but I don't feel the need to close myself, I can be open and vulnerable and strong and very much alive all at the same time.

Ladies and gentlemen. Introducing.......me!!!

The hills are alive, with the sound of...

Humpty — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 06:53:00 GMT

There are times I wish I hadn't submitted my resume online, it's been nothing but chaos ever since. So many doors presented themselves to me, I had no idea how many there could be. Trying to choose from amongst them was, is, a bit much. More than anything it's forced me to decide what I want to do in life, how I want to live it. Do I stay safe, do what I know, forever and ever, or do I become a tad bit daring and do what my heart wants. But what does my heart want, it's not talking! It's so silent. So I feel I must go where it is, in the silence.

I haven't much had the desire to meditate before, not even when I've tried in the past. But now, it feels like I have to. The current of life has brought me into an area where I must choose. It's funny how life works, after the challenges of the past are overcome you become strong enough to tackle yet greater challenges. And so now, all my contemplations about how nothing is ever really bad, every decision can be seen in a positive light gets tested. Do I believe that, do I really? "Show me", life says, "show me what you have learned."

A test not unlike the ones I took Friday. The ones I apparently did so well on yet more opportunities presented themselves to me. In all honesty I'm happy. One of my stated desires of obtaining a position at a software development firm has presented itself to me. What I wanted I seem to be getting. Well, to a degree, heh. Making dreams into reality can be a tricky business, you really have to know what you want. The details of the dream need to be explored in finer and finer degrees until you have what you want. (You want monkey paw?) And so I've continuously had to visit and re-visit my heart, in its silence, and discover what is it dreaming.

I'm grateful for the people I know and have talked to. Some are firmly in the leave category, some are cautious but otherwise favor moving forward, some are yet more cautious still and advise of the wisdom of staying. All, and more, are very much appreciated. Everything gets incorporated. Caution manifests as more questions asked, legalese more thoroughly read. But what does my heart want. Sometimes the song it sings is sung so quietly. But yet it sings, it always sings, I know this much. For those with the ears to listen, the creation sings. Where I find the song is where I'll dance, there and only there.

The Silence

Humpty — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:14:35 GMT

I don't think I've ever quite felt the way I've been feeling the past few days. It's a feeling kinda like wanting to go to sleep yet it's not sleep I want, not physical sleep anyway. But it definitely feels like a rest is needed, is craved. The same way your body makes you sleepy when it's tired, I've been feeling like that, like I'm called to rest, to calm.

Given my somewhat recent reading about entering the silence I immediately knew that's what the feeling was. Contemplation was emphatically not going to do the trick this time, I had to still myself. It's kind of exciting and weird at the same time since it's a new feeling for me. I think it's related to my pondering on what to do about my job. As much as I keep saying and thinking I want to quit I can't quite shake the feeling I'm doing something wrong. Sigh. Sometimes I hate trying to be authentic to my feelings rather than convention. :P

(You ever move about your environment and feel like you're in a dream? That you have a tenuous, yet instant, connection to your body? It moves, when you want it, but your attention is not entirely on it?

"Sleepy much?"

Ha...ha.... *At some point one must choose.*)

I'll have to make entering the silence more routine. All these "guys" keep talking about it like it's the greatest thing. It's calling me, that's for sure.

A bygone era

Humpty — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:54:46 GMT

It's funny how it happens. It sneaks up on you while you're going about your life. It's so subtle and smooth you'll miss it, even if you are watching out for it.

I'm listening to Mr. Vain by Culture Beat right now. Despite coming out while I was in high school I didn't first hear it until I was in college. That's when my musical tastes broadened from the R&B and Hip-Hop genres to Dance and later House. It doesn't sound the same now though. The album cover has what I presume are twenty year olds, I imagine now they're family-somethings. I've been listening to a lot of music from my formative years and it's only now they seem different. All the songs about honey dipping and going downtown don't have the same spark and allure that they once had. A realization the singers are no longer who they were; the subject matter familiarized. The stars on T.V. are someone else now too, not the ones I remember.

The sun sets. The moon rises. The sun rises again.

Blue ray

Humpty — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 06:50:32 GMT

No, not the 25GB per layer optical disc format, but the color of the throat energy center. I've recently been involved in conversations with someone that made me aware of this particular energy center. The essence of the blue color energy center is open communication so in talking with this person I decided to be more honest where I otherwise might have been more tactful, and for me less honest. What prompted me to do this was a feeling like I didn't want to color what I had to say, to mollify my speech to make it more palatable. No, I wanted to be blunt. Perhaps because I'm predisposed to thinking in terms of bodily energy centers the feeling seemed centered in my throat. Almost like the truth just wanted to leap out! Ha.

The metaphysical source I've frequented the most -- and you might be able to deduce what it is from the terminology I'm using -- places more emphasis on balancing energy centers however, and not on their brilliance. I liken it to having a clear pipe. If the water can flow all can be served; irrigation. In terms of energy this would mean keeping all your energy centers as clearly functioning as possible. Red, orange, as high as you can. Thinking ill of your sexual urges can hinder your ease in speaking freely.

Green ray is synonymous with universal love. When carrying on the aforementioned conversation I thought about balance and the green energy center in particular. Not allowing the energy of love to be expressed would not positively benefit the honesty I was attempting to express. It's an interesting thing, beliefs. Merely believing that blending love with honesty was important gave me moments of pause in my talk. It didn't actually alter what I said, but the thought did form a sort of threshold. If I couldn't find the love in what I was saying I chose not to say it. And on the other hand, if I could I said it as purely as I felt it, i.e. I was mad. :)

Nothing new in my actions to most people I suspect. :) But thoughts are powerful things. I wonder. Is the same action coming from two different thoughts really the same action? Would it elicit different reactions?

Experience all things desired

Humpty — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 03:34:00 GMT

Analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love and wisdom within. The orientation develops due to analysis of desire.

The previous is a slight paraphrase of one of my, now, favorite sayings. It's been at the root for some of my more recent dealings with people. Seriously, I am really, really loving life right now. Mana for me is understanding, and I've been getting that in spades lately. Individual experiences added together to a mix, like ingredients to a dish. Individually the ingredients taste as they do, together they produce an entirely new flavor.

I was noticing today how my officemate reacts to me versus other people in expressing somewhat similar things. If I understand something to a particular degree and someone I'm talking to expresses that same idea with less precision but equal force, or will, I have a desire to correct them. I think, given my past experiences with people, that rubs them the wrong way more often than not. :) So it was very interesting to me today to observe her as she spoke with someone else about a problem. She was more animated and lively than if she were speaking with me. Perhaps due to an expectation that I'll more than likely talk her down, or in some way dismiss what she has to say.

For a long time that's bothered me. I want to be able to get along well with other people, so engaging in the behavior I do isn't necessarily conducive to that. But for whatever reason I keep doing it! LOL Also today a friend posted a note on Facebook musing about what he should do, how he should behave, about a particular issue. Whenever I see the word "should" in reference to behaviors it triggers something inside of me to respond. So I did, and I mentioned the saying at the beginning of this post. Engaging in a teacher role in that instance made me switch to the student role in regards my own behavior. I started taking my own advice, I started to be happy with who I am. Not happy so much that I naturally rub some people the wrong way, but happy that I no longer saw that as a problem. Also, meeting up with someone new over the weekend and talking with her made me realize the value and importance of being who you are.

I just love it when life experiences blend together to orient your thoughts in new directions! I'm actually glad I've experienced being humble and downplaying myself, because I can see how alluring arrogance can be in being okay with rubbing people the wrong way. How cold I could be in this not bothering me. Hopefully humility will temper arrogance. Not hopefully, it will, because that's what I desire. And what I desire I will experience. :)

Co-creation

Humpty — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:30:14 GMT

I was thinking on the way home today how really happy I am with my life at the moment. It was a nicely dreary day out and I was happy to be mostly done with a project I've spent a year on at work. Happy to have learned a new aspect to a programming language I use. Happy to be making good progress on the Firefox extension I'm writing. In particular with that I've been feeling very creative, I'm having lots of fun with it! I think it's that creative aspect that got me thinking about co-creation; in a very real sense. You know how sometimes specks of food get lodged between your teeth? Well specks of thoughts have gotten lodged between my cerebral lobes, ha. Various people in my life have introduced me to the idea of taking complete control over my life. Actually, complete responsibility. No blaming anyone else for what happens in my life, good or bad.

That idea has been wedged in me for a good while now. Contemplating the nature of "other people" if I'm to take responsibility for everything in my existence. There's still much to contemplate in that area, but for now I am seeing the tremendous value in ratcheting up self-responsibility. That's a very powerful thought, a very empowering thought. It's a thought, an idea, all its own, but it seems to reorient your entire being. It's amazing how draining blaming others can be, you sap your own power; smother it. Hmm. :)

IsHappy?

Humpty — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:06:45 GMT

Last week I was talking to a co-worker -- well, someone who works in the same place I do, I don't actually work with him -- that I haven't seen in a while. We asked what the other was up to and I mentioned trying to meet deadlines while going to training for a HUGE university-wide data conversion project. He mentioned to me that I shouldn't get dull, in the sense of working too much. I actually smiled at him and relayed my impression of my work as like I was an artist. Programming is my art, I do it for free as well as to pay the bills because I genuinely love it.

If he had made that same comment some years prior it would've caused me to doubt myself a lot. I never quite realized how much I take on other people's desires and make them my own. It's been such an automatic thing I didn't even realize it was happening. If someone else didn't like something I liked to do, or not as much as I do, I thought something was wrong with me. If they spoke with confidence about something I implicitly believed them more often than not.

Now this isn't to say I've been some completely gullible person who doesn't think for himself. I've actually prided myself on marching to the house beat of my inner DJ. But sometimes you can hide behind intelligence instead of use it. As smart as I was I didn't notice how effective all the influence around me was. Or I guess a better way to phrase it would be how little I trusted myself.

That's why when I smiled at my co-worker last week it wasn't out of some attempt to cover up a part of me that felt hurt by what he said, rather I smiled because I was too enthusiastic about having so much worked piled up! I was happy because I felt I understood that what he considers dull doesn't have to be what I consider dull. I was happy because I felt I didn't have to change myself just because he wouldn't make the same choices I would.

I'm starting to really enjoy the uniqueness of everything. Ha, I find it funny that one of the first things that comes to mind when I think the word unique is, in fact, the same set of images that typically comes up. How conformist is that! My own thoughts about uniqueness vary so little, bring up the same set of ideas, hahaha. In case you're wondering the same set of images consists of hippies, bikers, and people covered in tattoos; in that order. :P "If I don't act like them then I'm not unique!" lol

I suppose if I want to be truly unique I'll first have to be comfortable and happy with myself. Do the things I do in only the way I can. :) But I'll have to be happy while doing them. You're only faking uniqueness if you're not happy, cuz if you're not happy you're probably doing something that would make someone else happy, but not yourself. Savvy? :)

Food for the soul

Humpty — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 04:40:41 GMT

is something called life. I can't help but smile at the sheer perfection of everything. How there are no mistakes in the grand scheme of existence. I'm choosing to write in veiled metaphor because it's those seemingly unconnected ideas, thoughts, things that are bringing me such happiness right now. The attempt to find connection where none seems to exist is a wonderful thing.

What I learned today, and I'm writing in my online scrapbook, is that being true to oneself is really the best thing. What I find quite funny and interesting is how much beating over the head it's taken for me to realize this. How many times have I heard "honesty is the best policy" and other such derivatives and thought to myself, "No worries, I've got that covered." How many more times will I reach an epiphany: declaring how stupid I once was and how smart I now am! How deep does the rabbit hole go, how much can one know about one's self, is there ever an end. (Sometimes it's fun playing with words and seeing what new things erupt.) How many facets to the utterly trite and mundane can there be for such things to continue to bring such brilliance.

Enough of that paragraph. The other thing I'm happy about -- is directly related to said last paragraph -- concerns this light feeling I feel inside. It's the connection of ideas that's validating a lot of things I wouldn't have expected. In a very real sense it is seeming to be it is best to do what you love. Even, I dare say, if those loves are terribly fleeting. Such can be like magnets nudging a perfectly smooth ball along a path. No contact perceived, the change in the course of direction ever so subtle, yet that being the most exquisitely small change necessary to bring about that which is desired.

I speak in metaphor because some things can not be said. Words, sounds, can approximate thoughts and feelings, but accept no substitutes. :)

Forgiveness

Humpty — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 15:24:00 GMT

Yesterday I acted in a consciously unloving way towards someone. I know that sounds a bit new agey so I'll say it a different way: I lied to someone. I actually have no problem with lying to someone if I can rationalize it to myself as being good or neutral for them. Though I suppose those aren't "real" lies as they usually encompass withholding information about myself that has no undue affect on the person. Quite unlike the lie in question here where it actually resulted in someone having to do more work than was necessary because of what I didn't say.

It's easier to understand things if I actually explain what happened than speak in generalities. One of my co-workers came to my office asking for a DVD so he could install a program on his computer. I knew immediately I had taken it home, and in laziness just hadn't brought it back to work. Instead of telling him this though I feigned ignorance at being unable to find it in my office. He said it was no problem and asked the system administrator if he could find it. The administrator had to dig around for it, eventually burning a new copy from a disc image he had.

In the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big of a lie and the consequences were quite small. But still. There's history between the co-worker and myself though. Actually history between his wife and myself and he just happened to get caught in the middle. He's a nice guy really, has never done anything wrong to me, and has tried to be friendly. It's just unfortunate he's married to her, so animosity directed towards her leaked onto him, albeit in a lesser way. After he left my office I felt a pretty severe pain inside of me, like I just could not believe what I had done and had to rectify it immediately. An energy imbalance.

I did end up calling him and saying I remembered where the DVD was and I'd bring it in tomorrow, but doing that took a lot of energy. I've invested so much in holding a grudge against his wife, and unfortunately, by extension him, to be nice to him in a situation I could have successfully not have been was very difficult. It's like traversing a labyrinth. You spend a lot of time down a particular path thinking you'll find what you seek. But at some point while searching you discover the path you've been on for some time is ultimately a dead end. When traversing a physical maze you'll feel sad about having to go back and finding a different path but you'll do it because you have no choice. When traversing the maze that is you however it can be more difficult to do such a thing. To admit a path you've invested so much energy in is, ultimately, a dead end. All that time and effort has to be undone. It's a lot easier to just sit there and pout rather than find a new way.

Two different beliefs of mine got tested and one won. I am glad I actually decided to help him than choose a grudge, but now I feel my reasoning for holding grudges has been shattered. I'm going to have to re-evaluate all the people in my life I've chosen to excommunicate. To not do so would be to pretend I haven't become aware of the limits and faults of this personality aspect; and I'd just be lying to myself, which is probably the worst thing anyone can ever do. Perhaps I'll move at a slow pace in choosing a new path by trying to figure out why I chose the previous one! Help take some of the sting out of admitting I've been wrong about something my entire life. :/