Blog de Humpty : philosophy

Ego

Humpty — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 03:37:00 GMT

I've been learning a lot the last couple of weeks, specifically in regards to the ego.

It started for me a few weeks ago during a team meeting at work. I had major reservations about what another team member had done and felt the only way I could express it would be construed as negative. Yet, given other realizations I've had of late I realized it was important I express myself as purely as possible. So I did and it caused the expected disharmony I thought it might. But interestingly I discovered the harmony was surface level as even our team lead had the same concerns I did, yet didn't express them until I had done so. On the whole I was very happy with myself for having spoken my truth. But in the course of doing so I believed I stepped over a line in one area that I shouldn't have upon further reflection. In the grand scheme of things what I had done wasn't hugely important, but to me it felt to be a major infraction.

I thought long and hard over the weekend after the incident about the events. Like I said, I thought I could just as well not say anything back to the person about what I felt I had done and life would continue on. But it gnawed at me, that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be. Means very little to pay lip service to ideals, you have to live them. So, not the Monday but the Tuesday after I apologized for the specific action I took: slightly accusing of him something that wasn't entirely true. The apology was very specific as I felt I was right to bring my concerns to the team, it was only in the execution of that I felt I got a bit drunk with power, or full of myself.

The decision to apologize wasn't as easy as that paragraph made it sound though. I asked myself constantly why do so if I could get away with not doing so. No one expected me to do it, so why do it. It was in those questions that I began to become aware of, what we term the ego. It was more of an attachment to myself as being right, as if my very identity were part and parcel with my actions. In this light apologizing, consciously recognizing to another my actions were wrong or misguided, was seen as the last thing I wanted to do. It felt a death of sorts, a death of myself, a death of my identity; death of my ego. But it was an interesting questioning process, to become aware of this. That's when I began to see as separate what I once felt was one. Namely who I am and my actions. I don't cease to be by changing how I feel, think, or act.

But probably the greatest realization I think I've had to date in my entire life was how much attachment to myself as being right retards my growth. The strong maintenance of this idea is like fighting with every fiber of my being to make as little progress as possible. In certain areas of my life I readily accept and welcome mistakes and recognize how doing so enables great progress; but, sadly, these seem to be the exception than the rule. More often that which I invest a lot of energy in I tend to not want to face the idea that the direction I've been going in is wrong, that it's best to undo my previous efforts. But it is a liberating realization that, simply, I am. I am not my actions, I simply am. At any point I can change my expressions and still be me.

There is a flow to life I've been realizing. I use the term flow deliberately to evoke images of water flowing. When it flows without impediment there's an ease to things. When there's a blockage, a cessation of the ease, it is no accident. It's not necessarily the case the previous direction is still valid though, a bend of the flow might require altered actions even if we insist upon the previous direction; after all, it was valid once why is it not so now. Heh.

Subconscious realization

Humpty — Tue, 18 May 2010 03:50:59 GMT

I just remembered something today that I knew I knew, but yet didn't at the point in time I wanted to know it. It was the name of an actor I wanted to recall on the drive to work. I knew for a fact at some point in my life I had heard it, I knew of several films he had been in, but yet could only recall the character names. Off and on now for the past couple of years, when something like this happens, I make a point to exercise my memory recall by not looking up the answer and instead rely on myself. In the car ride today despite my best efforts I couldn't recall what I wanted to know, but! I have been learning more about the subconscious and I simply told it / myself to recall the knowledge and I went about my day not continually stressing over it.

It wasn't until maybe 12 hours later that out of the blue, in the middle of doing something else, I got fascinated again with remembering this actor's name. I still didn't know what it was, but it fascinated me again. I tried for a bit to remember and then set it again as a task for my subconscious. Maybe 2 hours later while eating an orange I remembered it!

What really fascinated me was the absolute surety I had, I didn't have any doubt at all that I had recalled the correct information. It was as sure as any other conscious fact you recall. By itself this little exercise is neat but it's way more interesting to me because of how I got the information and the ramifications.

You know how philosophers like to pose questions of dreaming and being alive, that's where I'm headed. The idea of the unconscious, subconscious, and conscious; different ways of denoting you. Perhaps it should've always been obvious to me but I as an individual really am fragmented between those three facets. However many facets you could count doesn't matter to me so much as the fragmentation itself, the split between the conscious and something else. So the philosophical question I alluded to earlier is what is reality? Is it consciousness and the waking life, dreams? Why pick and choose, perhaps they're all real, different ways of perception.

In modern views of science dreams are neurons discharging themselves at night, storing long term memories and other tasks, your brain forming a narrative of this activity. I don't deny it, but why not explore. Atheists would retort but why not explore the reality of the flying spaghetti monster while you're at it. :) Awareness of this view is where I willingly diverge from modern science.

As I've aged I've become more aware of non-tangible things: intuition, hunches, belief in myself, whatever you name it. The key thing is, like the surety of knowledge from my earlier memory experiment, is the surety. Something I feel strongly about despite the lack of a reason. I've tested these feelings whenever they've come: followed through at times, denied at times. For myself this other sense has become as valid as the classical five. There is still the questioning, the reaching out with my hands to touch and verify what I think my eyes see. There's also the growing realization this sense operates in its own way, a different way, but yet it's there. So as for the flying spaghetti monster I simply have no strong desire to believe in that, this sense isn't abstract like that, it is as specific as the eyes seeing this and not that.

In any case the events of my life, the attractants of my thoughts, have led me to me. Dreams, the unconscious, the spirit as a shuttle, how do I determine what is real and not, must a dream necessarily not be reality, what is reality, how do I keep from losing myself, how do I even know myself. Lots of questions, pretty exciting to begin exploring the answers. :)

Co-creation

Humpty — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:30:14 GMT

I was thinking on the way home today how really happy I am with my life at the moment. It was a nicely dreary day out and I was happy to be mostly done with a project I've spent a year on at work. Happy to have learned a new aspect to a programming language I use. Happy to be making good progress on the Firefox extension I'm writing. In particular with that I've been feeling very creative, I'm having lots of fun with it! I think it's that creative aspect that got me thinking about co-creation; in a very real sense. You know how sometimes specks of food get lodged between your teeth? Well specks of thoughts have gotten lodged between my cerebral lobes, ha. Various people in my life have introduced me to the idea of taking complete control over my life. Actually, complete responsibility. No blaming anyone else for what happens in my life, good or bad.

That idea has been wedged in me for a good while now. Contemplating the nature of "other people" if I'm to take responsibility for everything in my existence. There's still much to contemplate in that area, but for now I am seeing the tremendous value in ratcheting up self-responsibility. That's a very powerful thought, a very empowering thought. It's a thought, an idea, all its own, but it seems to reorient your entire being. It's amazing how draining blaming others can be, you sap your own power; smother it. Hmm. :)

Inchoate Meanderings

Humpty — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 04:46:28 GMT

I like posting the thoughts I have that reach conclusions, or at least interesting plateaus. This blog is like a notebook, an online diary of sorts; a place to bring them together in a way that's viewable by others. Thinking can definitely be an art form. Thoughts as things. Realizations and inspiration are like a jam session in a studio that unexpectedly cooks up a hit. :)

So my thoughts today center around hurting others and being okay with that. Not a malicious thing at all, just a balance from excessive compassion. A balance between compassion for others and expression of self. There were two people today I was thinking about and wondering if I had hurt their feelings by things I said. Nothing mean, just things you can say to someone that they're sensitive about, and thus most people never broach those tender personality areas. But in the dance of living a life sometimes you bump up against your fellow human beings and hurt them with no intention of doing so.

What to do, what to do. Don't dance? Apologize?...for living your life? The choices centering around callousness I rarely choose to indulge nowadays. But perhaps there's an option I haven't considered. Acceptance. Acceptance of the other's hurt feelings and my part in that, and acceptance that I too am living my life as best I can. Perhaps if the situation were repeated I might make different choices, but that doesn't make the choice I made bad or wrong. Hmm, every moment is a learning opportunity. Collisions subtly, or sometimes not so, alter the course of the participants. It's the way of nature it seems. A raindrop falls on your head, what happens?

What difference is there between perception and reality? If I perceive I've hurt someone and they do not perceive that, does that change the thoughts my perception spawned?

"At some point in our existence in the cosmos we will be all things. Be happy with yourself."

If I tell myself that enough one day I'll believe it. :)

Science vs Religion

Humpty — Tue, 27 May 2008 07:15:00 GMT

Found this gem on Digg. The original was 800x600 but I wanted to post it on other places so I redid it at a smaller size, 500x668. Got to practice my Photoshop skills! Plus it's just so damn funny! Hahaha.

A heading found

Humpty — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:09:00 GMT

I'm not sure where I'm going or what I want out of life. No grand ambitions, no plans. Feel almost adrift at sea, the possibilities of where to go endless. Yet there are times when I know I'm headed in the right direction. It's a feeling. That indescribable feeling of joy and happiness. When you stumble upon something new and unexpected and you can't help but scream in ecstasy. Those moments are markers, that's when I know the direction of my life.

The game Folklore inspired that and this post. The music in it is some of the best I've heard. The title screen music is a short little piece, but it's full of the innocence of childhood, of infinite possibilities. Before knowledge sets in and constrains the mind. But yet, adults composed it. Adults who haven't lost their childhood wonder, adults who dream, adults that have knowledge in an unconstrained mind.

That's how the chess greats work. They consider the possibilities some might otherwise deem absurd. To free your mind and ponder what ought not to be pondered. Ha! Life is great. Sometimes there are possibilities we don't consider because we constrain ourselves, our thinking. Considering only what is proper, things that won't invite derision from others. But sometimes the best moves to make lie outside of what is proper, outside what is logical; outside the bounds of our own creation.

I used to think when I felt really happy around this time of year it was because I was happier as a child. Now I think it's just the unique sensory experiences available around this time that make me happy. They prompt that same boundless joy. To feel the deliciously crisp and cool night air. The smell of lilacs in the air. The surreal glow of night lights. The magic never fades.

How must a person act? What must certain kinds of people do? What stereotypes must we conform to? What things shall we not utter? :)

Primal Pleasures

Humpty — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:56:00 GMT

I've been wanting to write this post for a while, but it's never felt right until now.

I went out to a different park today than the one I skate around because they have this annual festival there this time of year. I just wanted to walk and think about stuff, a typical pastime for me. I always go barefoot as well. As soon as I got out of my parked car I looked up at the sky and heard thunder off in the distance. The clouds looked a heavy rain-soaked blue as it was, but the thunder was the tipoff that rain was a comin'. The post that I had been wanting to write was about just this moment, what was about to happen.

As I was walking around the track I must've been about a quarter of a mile around when I felt the first raindrop hit my skin. The frequency increased until I was officially being rained on. I was near a grove of trees so I was protected for a while, but I kept walking. I had been wanting to experience walking in the rain again for a while. There's just something magical about not giving in to civilized behavior and doing what you're not supposed to be doing.

Not having my glasses or shoes on made the experience much more enjoyable, I had less to worry about. I felt even more a part of nature. The rain hitting my skin, bouncing off my head, my feet feeling the warm wet ground. I felt more connected to the environment than I otherwise feel. I felt happy. Just putting myself out in the storm, soaking up the experience, not running away. Perspective plays so much a part of experiences. Instead of fretting about my clothes getting wet, or rain falling into my eyes, or maybe catching a cold or something I looked at the moment as something to enjoy. It's what my heart wanted to experience. It's amazing how a singular experience can have such divergent viewpoints.

I couldn't help but smile as the rain was trickling down my body, making my shirt stick to my body. As the track led me to the entrance cars were racing to leave the park. I wonder what they must've thought to themselves when they saw me. "Look at the poor guy stuck in the rain." "Look at that idiot walking in the rain, with no shoes on!" "Wow, that's a cool idea, I'm gonna walk barefoot in the rain too!" I had to cross the road at one point and there was only one car left and they stopped to let me pass. I waved a thank you gesture at them, still smiling. Even in situations that would typically be viewed as unfavorable it's only perspective that keeps a smile at bay.

After I crossed the road the rain started to pick up. It felt like bullets hitting my skin; the rain can sting. Some of the banners the city had out promoting the festival at the other park were flapping wildly in the wind. I could see the rain changing directions: first stinging my neck and then my cheeks, and finally back down on my head. I have to admit I felt really alive then. I wasn't prepared for that, wasn't prepared for the rain to hurt, not prepared for it to feel cold at times. But it's what I wanted. I gasped at times at the unexpected strength of the downpour. Suddenly there were little impromptu rivers I was walking in. Ha! I'm alive!!

By the time I got to the end of the track my shirt and shorts were thoroughly stuck to my skin. I had been listening to music on my cell phone the entire time but decided it might be better to take my earbuds out. I actually think it was better keeping them in since they kept the rain from getting into my ears. I had flower petals stuck to me that had been blown in the wind. I must've looked like a wet, ragged dog; but I was happy. :)

Be the wind

Humpty — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:33:00 GMT

The weather definitely plays a big time role in my emotions. When it's dreary and cloudy out I feel downer and more depressed than normal. When the sun's out there's suddenly no end to the joy I feel.

A lot of times I experience that immense joy by speed skating on a track around a lake. Parking my car on the grass on the side of the track, knowing what's in store, I get excited. I fold my glasses up and put them in the overhead compartment. I open the door and just to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin makes me giddy. In the dog days of summer the heat can get oppressive; and oddly, I love it even more then. There's something about pushing my body to its limit that I just can't get enough of.

I open up the back door to my car and pull out my skates, wedge my water bottle under the back tire. I have to wear thin socks to even fit into my boots, it's a very tight snug fit. Lacing up my skates is like a ritual, I have time to take in what's ahead for me, see the other people walking around outside, feel how hard and fast the wind is blowing. I leave them partially untied as I walk to my trunk to get my helmet -- the only protective gear I'll be wearing -- because walking on my skates loosens the laces.

Head wear on, skates laced and tied, I wait for all the cars to pass, and I put my first foot on the asphalt. Even now, after skating for some 10 years, it's still a little nerve-wracking to feel how easy it is to fall while on my skates. But that uneasiness is precisely why I love skating -- can't have the joy without the risk it seems. After putting my second foot on the road the uneasiness subsides as I rely on years of faith in my ability.

Hold my left foot study while I push off with the right, and again with the left, and the right, and suddenly I'm skating! There's just no better feeling than feeling the wind rush against me as I move through it so effortlessly. The first turn of the track quickly approaches though and I have to forego joy and concentrate on not hitting any stray rocks while doing a crossover.

Going down the shallow incline gives me time to conserve some energy as I rest my hands on my knees. Trying to concentrate on keeping my wheels straight and not slanted out. At this point I can hear my frames vibrate and that metal sound just emphasizes how fast I'm going. I use a particular tree on the side of the road as a guidepost that it's time to get down to the exercise of skating. Fold my arms behind my back, duck slightly, and now it's just my legs in control.

Straightaways are always the best part of skating as I get to take long strides. Momentum plays a huge part of everything, it's how I can lessen the effort it takes to go forward. It's what I use to propel myself up the first incline. During the first lap everything is so much easier, I have so much energy, it's so tempting to play with it and waste it by not being efficient with my body and going faster than I should. Being efficient isn't fun, no joy, but necessary for the later laps. Once I get to the top I rest some. I'm trying to increase my endurance though so I still propel myself forward.

The track is like a rollercoaster ride. After the incline there's a flat curvy section where I can rest some. But very soon is a steep decline.

As I round the turn leading down I listen for cars, watch for groups of people walking in the road, keep an eye out for dogs on long leashes. I don't have much time to do all this and my senses are definitely heightened, even listening to music is a detriment for me. With the way clear comes the excitement of rushing down the hill!

It's better, I find, to stand up straight, keep my hands behind my back, and slowly duck into a crouching position as I glide down the hill. There's a fluidity of feeling the environment through my skates that makes this easy. I can hear the wind speed increasing every moment I descend. Once I hit the bottom I have enough momentum to carry me all the way to the next turn so long as I stay crouched down. As I approach the turn I sit up ever so slightly to ease the coming crossover. This particular turn is the most nerve-wracking of them all because of my speed, I really have to work my arms to balance myself through it. My first lap I usually don't even do a crossover; have to get a feel for skating all over again.

Going down the longest straightaway of the track is very very fun. But for the first two laps of my first set I don't do any vigorous arm-swings to conserve energy. If the wind is right I can hear the metal frames vibrating again. It sounds so much like an airplane or an engine! I love that sound because it reminds me that I'm going fast! 30 mph one guy once said.

The second lap is tougher as I lose some energy. Going up the incline isn't nearly as joyous as it was the first time around. By the time of the third lap I've got that long straightaway on my mind. Crouching down during the steep decline I'm preparing for it. I'm going to just blow all the energy I can muster into going as fast as possible, screw efficiency, I've been waiting for just this moment. My nerves carry me through the crossover, confidence high by now. Instead of folding my arms back behind me though I leave them out, I'm going to need them. I have to work into a rhythm to get the best speed possible and I use my arms to increase my momentum. Timing an out-swing of an arm with the push-off of a leg is key. I'm even still debating whether it's better to sync my right arm with my right leg or use a different arm for each leg. Everything's a feeling though and I can only feel my way to the rhythm I desire.

Once I get it though it's magical. Skating becomes even more automatic as I use my arms to guide my legs into each push-off. By now I'm going so fast that any mistiming on my part will spell a vicious wipeout. I need to just feel everything, go with the flow, and trust myself. Doubting will cause me to tense up ever so slightly and lose the rhythm I worked to build. Feeling my skates slide to the side and then applying just enough force to keep me from falling is exhilarating. It's just a total abandonment of inhibitions and belief in myself. I can do it.

That metallic sound from my skates is very loud now, even walkers and sunbathers are noticing it. I have to admit to liking the attention I get while skating. People stop what they're doing and look my way, kids stare intently, some yell in excitement, it's neat. My heart beats furiously from maintaining the pace though, I'm definitely paying a price for pushing myself so hard. I approach the sign on the road I use as a guidepost to stop and I stand straight up and just glide. Feeling the wind beat against and rush past me the whole time. My lips are chapped by now, my throat parched, I need to rest.

Some people meditate by sitting still and folding their legs, I meditate by moving and feeling. I want to be the wind. This is the closest I can get for now.

??

Humpty — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 06:23:00 GMT

Just a theory on evolution. Not physical evolution, but spiritual, or whatever you want to term non-physical; consciousness.

Evolution involves increasing levels of awareness. At some point consciousness becomes aware of its surroundings, it becomes aware it's alive. At some point later still it becomes aware of itself; it is. Is it possible to exist and not be self-aware? Seems a silly question to ask, as silly as a resident of Flatland asking about the existence of its own world. Beyond self-awareness what is there. To look further beyond or further within. Why look at all. Why do plants yearn skyward toward the light. Why do people question.

Jill's stroke of insight

Humpty — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:21:00 GMT

Hot on the heels of my previous post about suggesting the connectedness of all comes another find. This time it's a video of Jill Taylor describing her stroke experience. She's a scientist but she expresses herself in such poetic terms.

One of the central themes of the video is what do you choose to believe, how do you choose to live your life. She describes the right hemisphere of the brain as one that takes in sensory experience, and the left as one that connects the perceptions: metaphorically speaking bringing order to chaos. During her stroke her left hemisphere became inoperative and thus visual stimuli began to lose meaning. The pixels that make each character of this post lost meaning and became just dots. Her hand became some strange claw thing. She eventually described a sensation of losing the ability to discern where the boundaries of her body were. Who was she? Every now and then her left hemisphere would function and she'd snap back to reality, but then she'd fade away into la-la land again. Eventually she was able to retain enough sense to call for help.

It's an interesting thing to consider, that the left hemisphere of your brain gives meaning to your world. I even watched an episode of the Human Body on the Discovery channel where they chronicled a man who had lost his vision at 3 years old but got it back in his 40s. Vision is more than just taking in visual stimuli, it's also interpreting that. Having lost his vision at such a young age he found it difficult to see later in life, even though his eyes were working perfectly fine. He could see the face of his wife but had no clue he was looking at a face. Like those Magic Eye images that hide images in patterns. There's something there but you can't make sense of all the visual stimuli to discern it.

Poetically speaking, spirituality and science are a lot like the examples I just mentioned. Science might be the visual stimuli. It's what is, it's not a lie, no judgments, just what is. Spirituality interprets that which is seen. It would be like how a picture on a computer monitor is a collection of dots. Certainly a true statement. Is that all a picture is, just a random collection of differently colored dots? Why yes, even that statement is correct. The qualifier of the word "just" is a judgment. I inserted it to play the devil's advocate role I observe many skeptics take. "There is nothing else but a random collection of dots, stop trying to find meaning in it you fool!" :)

Of course one can choose to look at the random collection of dots and see patterns. One can choose to see a picture of a waterfall amongst the collection of dots. One can choose to see a picture of Calvin pissing on a flower. :) One can choose to see something that for whatever reason other people don't see -- modern art anyone. And yes, one can even choose to see the coming of the Zombie Apocalypse because I said the word brain one too many times. :) Perception perception perception. Choice choice choice. How do you choose to see your world?

All is one

Humpty — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Would it seem odd to you if I suggested everything in existence was one being?

I was catching up on some reading and finished an article in Discover magazine about how Albert Einstein rejected a lot of the conclusions of his ideas. Singularities, the underpinnings of black holes; entanglement, or action at a distance; and the expansion of the universe were all initially rejected by Einstein. Even though they were all based on his theory of relativity the ideas just seemed too weird to accept as true. The article made a point of mentioning how today's physicists should be mindful of the limits of their own vision. Not assuming that what you know is all that there is to know.

I've mentioned on this blog some supernatural experiences I've had in the past. One of the more interesting among them was my experience of everything in my immediate vicinity as being me. There's no way you can prove what I experienced happened and there's no way I can prove to you that it did happen, so if you think I'm crazy I won't object. :) Nevertheless it did happen. It also happened after I had read a few years back that all of existence is one being. Having directly experienced a portion of this oneness for a few seconds has really influenced my idea of self. Exactly who are you if it's possible for you and another to be, essentially, the same being?

Something else I came across since that time described incarnations here as foci. That one word, focus, has been like a light bulb for me in trying to understand oneness. If you accept the idea of a soul being separate from a physical body then an incarnation, or focus, would be a focusing of attention on one point: your body. All of who you are wouldn't be "contained" within your physical body, it's just you're focused on or enamored with it. If you think about it it's not too unlike how galaxies, stars, planets, or other things come about. In the case of a star a tremendous amount of gas is attracted by gravity, heat and pressure eventually produce a star. You could liken the attractive force of gravity as like the focusing of attention.

It's certainly been an interesting theory to hold. It has explained to me the ideas of monotheism and polytheism. A singular god would be a misunderstanding of oneness, the connectedness of all, rather than there being some all-powerful being separate from us all. Polytheism I see as identifying more powerful foci as gods, perhaps how an ant might view a human as a god. Still there is the fascinating subject of awareness in regards to this idea of oneness. You are who you seem to be. The bounds of your awareness seems to define your individuality. Fascinating stuff. :)

Tides

Humpty — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 20:59:00 GMT

Freaky Chakra - West

What a week for me. I usually lead a fairly stable, and perhaps to most people, a boring life. But rest assured, even though I don't focus my energies on physical goals lots goes on in my head. It's starting to become difficult to separate my spiritual beliefs from my outer demeanor. This particular post will be especially difficult to write as I do like to maintain the privacy of the people involved in the things I write about. But there comes a point when the things you believe begin to intrude on long-held beliefs. And like warm and cold air mixing together producing wind, something's got to give.

A core belief I've had for some time now is that I'm here on this planet to learn. Not about the physical things of the world, but about me. Physical things are like props to better enable learning, or perhaps like the mirrors of a funhouse which show images of you in various ways. I use the events of my life to see aspects of myself that I, for whatever reason, have difficulty in seeing on my own. A lot of times I can do this learning without too much difficulty. (I wonder now if this is possible because I'm not learning much.) Sometimes though I confront myself in such a way I need a good bit of time to process it.

Last week I traveled a good bit to see someone I care about. It was under the pretense of possibly adopting a cat, but since I wanted to see her traveled I did. We spent our time together a lot like we did when we were originally together, which is to say the good and bad. I also worked on her computer and accidently saw some New Year's images I probably should not have. One of the reasons I like my Chinese astrology symbol of the Snake is that it really does describe me much better than my Western Libran sign. The possessiveness aspect comes into play in this instance. I wonder where it comes from, why I would feel I own someone, why they can't do something I myself have done. It's not enough to know that I "shouldn't" feel that way, or that the feelings are at odds with other beliefs I hold, it's the fact that I do feel possessive that troubles me. The heart is a much tougher thing to change than the mind.

It's quite a humbling thing to think to yourself you're a certain way but then get confronted with a situation which makes you realize you're not. Truthfully I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling possessive. Things simply are, judgments are simply perceptions of what is. However, this possessive trait I have is a desire to control others, which is something I've professed not to like. Treating this trait of mine with scorn actually scorns myself and is a form of self-loathing. For better or worse the trait is a part of me and if I want to love myself I must accept it. Perhaps if I truly do not like what I see and want to change it I should look at what produces it. My work continues it seems, much to learn.

The part of this week that makes this post difficult however is not what I just said, but what I'm about to say. It's only difficult because some people that read this will be able to discern whom I am speaking about, despite efforts on my part to veil this. But, it also relates to honesty and openly sharing with others, something I'm learning to value, thus I write this. A few days ago I learned a co-worker makes a good deal more than me, someone I thought would be on the same pay scale as myself. I actually know and understand why this is so that's not a major shock to me. The shock for me is what I felt. It's similar to the feelings I had when I accepted my current job, which at the time paid less than my previous one. The question relates to how much money does one need. Does money represent your value? If you say it does not would you still say that if you knew an equal to you were paid much more than you?

Fairly simple questions to answer I've usually reckoned to myself. But knowing with the mind and feeling with the heart can be very different things. Beliefs not tested can be fragile things, giving the illusion of strength. I make enough money to support myself and be happy, I don't need more. If I had more I'm not even sure what I would do with it. Still, you feel what you feel, and to deny your feelings is to deny yourself. I think this money issue for me ultimately stems from worth. It seems my place of employment values this other person more than me; hurts the pride and ego a bit... But the mind is not an enemy of the heart, and together they can make a powerful team. I know why the pay inequity I discovered exists: I don't need the money, this other person has a greater need for it than myself. This knowledge helps soothe the hurt feelings, helps me to see me in the distorted funhouse image.

One of the greater quotes I've come across described life here on Earth as like being in a kiln. Understanding the quote, I've come to think of it also as like rocks on the beach being smoothed away over time by the relentless forces of the tides. Bit by bit the rough edges of a stone get chipped away. After much battering by the sea it becomes smooth. It takes time to understand one's self. Events roll and crash in, the experiences are felt, they wash away, the process repeats. That which can not withstand the events are carried away. That which remains withstands the test of time.

We vibrate

Humpty — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 20:38:18 GMT

I was just outside basking in the wind, enjoying the sun, when I noticed a fly on the side of my house. I was just looking at it move around and of course its movements appeared jerky, like it was jumping around. Then it just hit me, for whatever reason, it's just moving faster than my eyes can perceive. I've known that before but the new realization is what came next. If it's moving faster than my eyes can perceive then my eyes are operating at a certain frequency. They're sampling time at a certain rate; slower than the fly moves so I perceive jerky movement from the fly.

It's somewhat a bit of a stretch to extend from that to say that my whole body is operating at a certain frequency but, it seems so true. Every cell in my body operates at a certain rate. Not unlike how a photon oscillates at a certain rate. At the very least the cells that make up my eyes operate at a certain rate.

That definitely makes the question of what is time an interesting one. Time would just be a construct our minds create when it fuses together the discrete sensory moments it captures. Hmm, I know what I'm saying now has already been observed by others but it's always a unique thing when a light bulb goes off in your head and you recognize a novel aspect of reality.

The larger principle that got me excited though was the statement from spiritual sources I frequent that we blink into and out of reality. That we don't entirely exist in this dimension. Seeing that fly move faster than I could perceive made that statement seem much more relevant and true.

Reason and Coincidence

Humpty — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 07:35:00 GMT

This is from another blog I've been writing to lately. So the reference to the end of the world post makes no sense.

The very next day after I posted my journal post about the end of the world I got a subscription offer from a magazine called Skeptical Inquirer. From reading the promotional materials it sounds exactly like something I'd like. It deals with investigating paranormal phenomena in a scientific, or structured, manner. Instead of approaching it with an ax to grind, an attempt to disprove, it seeks to study and let the facts fall where they may. There was even an insert about a free book offer upon signing up called "Science and Religion: Are They Compatible?"

What I noted as interesting was the timing of me getting the mailing. After I wrote my post about such a stigma-laden topic as the end of the world, I knew I'd probably get responses from people that had at their core the thought I was a kook and worthy of derision. And to a degree I was right. Knowing this I was a bit hesitant or nervous to write it, but nevertheless I did. So getting that magazine offer actually made me feel better. Somehow this magazine that focuses on applying scientific principles to the unknown found me out and thought I'd be interested enough to subscribe. "See, I'm really not crazy", I told myself. :)

But to be fair I have to ask myself, was there really any meaning in the timing of the offer? I've gotten other magazine offers in the past which seemed to hold no special value when I got them. And more than likely even this magazine found me because of my subscriptions to Scientific American and Discover magazines; I was most likely on some list they bought and/or compiled. So that it arrived when it did is just when it arrived.

That's certainly the scientific way of considering the timing: consider not only the possibilities that you want to consider but also the ones that you don't. I find it extremely valuable actually to judge things in this manner. Considering things from as many vantage points as you can, especially the ones you don't like, increases objectivity and clear thinking.

Of course the coincidence viewpoint is as valid as any of the others, to exclude it merely because it is not possible to find evidence to support it would actually go against objectivity. And that's the key thing about paranormal activities: they can rarely be proven objectively. I personally may strongly believe, or may personally witness something, but other people can not. The phenomena frequently can not be repeated. It just seems to go against the scientific method in so many ways. How can you prove something so subjective in nature?

Perhaps one way would be to expand the set of criteria used to judge the veracity of a claim. Must it be necessary for something to be physical, must something be observable with the classical five senses? Can all observable things be explained? Does the lack of observation prove something doesn't exist? Interesting questions. Yet, there is a danger, a stepping into the unknown, to allow things as true for which you can not verify in some physically objective manner. Yet, is there a danger in not believing that which you have subjectively seen but which others have not?

Certainly if you witness something you have indeed witnessed it. But this is all that has occurred, a perception, to state why you have perceived it is something else entirely. Ptolemy witnessed the moon moving in odd patterns and explained it with retrograde motion to fit the prevailing geo-centric view of the cosmos. His observations were correct, he correctly saw the moon move as it did. His flaw was to explain what he saw without proof to back it up, to ignore the observations that didn't fit the model he wanted to believe.

So yes, I did get an offer to Skeptical Inquirer, and yes it did come one day after my end of the world post, but that's it. Is there meaning to its timing, is there not? I can't say either way. Do I leave it at this, or pursue the matter further?

Of course I won't leave it. :)

To attempt to prove meaning in the timing of events you could track how often such fortuitous timings have occurred. But should you also track when such timings have no value? How often would you be tracking things? Becomes a dilemma, eh. Events only seem to have valuable timings when you are predisposed to thinking they do. To say it another way, you're normally oblivious to the timing of events and you only become aware of them when there seems to be some value in them. That fact alone could be interesting. And I did leave out one critical observation from the timing of my magazine offer: it made me feel good. I noticed the timing.

Emotion. What is it about these special timings that makes them noticeable at all when we are so frequently oblivious? In my case I had an emotional response. Might other fortuitous timings provoke an emotional response that elevates them from the mundane into the extraordinary? 'Tis possible.

So, should you believe in coincidences? If emotion is key to them, should you discount them, and with them your emotions? Perhaps the question can be reframed as, what value does one place on their emotions?

It is an interesting subject.

Lessons from the 12th house

Humpty — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 23:01:00 GMT

Someone made a comment to a post yesterday that really got me excited. The post I made was done two years ago and concerned me having three planets in the 12th astrological house and making a possible link with that and the overall introspective tone of my life. His comment was that people with much 12th house activity have chosen the path of soul growth.

Upon reading that something just rang inside of me like, "that's so true!" The things I've chosen to believe on faith have all elicited such a resonate response from inside of me. You know, you absolutely can't prove what you're coming across is true in any way whatsoever, but something inside of you screams in delight at coming across it. After many years of doubting, and testing, that voice I've since come to rely upon it like a compass to discern truth.

One thing I've always detested are the life expectations that are created for us before we're even born. It goes like the structure of a pop song: you're born, have fun as a kid, rebel as a teenager, crash a car or two, get a girl pregnant/get pregnant. If you don't take that branch then you go to college, get drunk off your ass, graduate, get a job, party even harder now that have money, get married, have kids, go through a mid-life crisis, spend your last days doped up on medicines or vacationing or going senile, die. How boring.

Now certainly the script of life isn't so spelled out but it's just all the expectations people have of you. If you don't do such and such by such and such time then you're not on schedule and you're in trouble.

I could very well be following some typical life path but I've always thought I'm not. :) I've largely lived in my head and have always fancied myself an observer of life than a liver of one. Though I've had plenty of opportunities to get back on schedule I've always found myself drawn to studying people and the patterns we go through. I think that's probably why that guy's comment hit home with me so much. My life has been primarily about soul growth! Truly every person is ultimately growing regardless of whatever they're doing, I believe. But just as everything is composed of atoms, we don't observe things on an atomic scale but on a higher level. And it's even at this higher level that I still feel my life path has primarily been focused on soul growth. More emphasis on that core goal perhaps, to say it another way. (Hmm, almost like how a crystal mirrors its atomic structure in macroscopic form. Hmm, something to ponder for later.)

Something else that guy said was about learning to accept yourself and using your intuition/faith to help with that. So so true, and it's exactly what I've learned to this point in my life. I didn't make a mistake in creating the life that I have, the tendencies I have, the beginning circumstances of my life. Yeah, life is cool. :)

I must sound like a cheerleader for happiness sometimes on my blog I think, I've been writing about it so much. But why not, I haven't always felt this way so it feels good to now. And besides, there's so much negativity in various forms "out there" why not help balance it if I can.

NOTE
In reference to something I said above about being drawn back to studying people rather than living life. A counter-argument I've always thought of to that, and which I think other readers might make, is that instead of being drawn back to studying people I was/am just afraid to live life and thus came up with a justification to continue in my current path. There is some truth to that thinking so I won't attempt to deny it.

What I can say is that at this stage of my life I see value now in any path a person may choose to make in their life. Even if a person's choices are perceived by themselves as less than ideal there is still value in this. Specifically that they realize for themselves their choices are less than ideal. This may seem like a worthless statement but no one can be forced to do anything they are not willing to do themselves. Change, or growth, can only occur on an individual's schedule.