Blog de Humpty : reflection

Ego

Humpty — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 03:37:00 GMT

I've been learning a lot the last couple of weeks, specifically in regards to the ego.

It started for me a few weeks ago during a team meeting at work. I had major reservations about what another team member had done and felt the only way I could express it would be construed as negative. Yet, given other realizations I've had of late I realized it was important I express myself as purely as possible. So I did and it caused the expected disharmony I thought it might. But interestingly I discovered the harmony was surface level as even our team lead had the same concerns I did, yet didn't express them until I had done so. On the whole I was very happy with myself for having spoken my truth. But in the course of doing so I believed I stepped over a line in one area that I shouldn't have upon further reflection. In the grand scheme of things what I had done wasn't hugely important, but to me it felt to be a major infraction.

I thought long and hard over the weekend after the incident about the events. Like I said, I thought I could just as well not say anything back to the person about what I felt I had done and life would continue on. But it gnawed at me, that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be. Means very little to pay lip service to ideals, you have to live them. So, not the Monday but the Tuesday after I apologized for the specific action I took: slightly accusing of him something that wasn't entirely true. The apology was very specific as I felt I was right to bring my concerns to the team, it was only in the execution of that I felt I got a bit drunk with power, or full of myself.

The decision to apologize wasn't as easy as that paragraph made it sound though. I asked myself constantly why do so if I could get away with not doing so. No one expected me to do it, so why do it. It was in those questions that I began to become aware of, what we term the ego. It was more of an attachment to myself as being right, as if my very identity were part and parcel with my actions. In this light apologizing, consciously recognizing to another my actions were wrong or misguided, was seen as the last thing I wanted to do. It felt a death of sorts, a death of myself, a death of my identity; death of my ego. But it was an interesting questioning process, to become aware of this. That's when I began to see as separate what I once felt was one. Namely who I am and my actions. I don't cease to be by changing how I feel, think, or act.

But probably the greatest realization I think I've had to date in my entire life was how much attachment to myself as being right retards my growth. The strong maintenance of this idea is like fighting with every fiber of my being to make as little progress as possible. In certain areas of my life I readily accept and welcome mistakes and recognize how doing so enables great progress; but, sadly, these seem to be the exception than the rule. More often that which I invest a lot of energy in I tend to not want to face the idea that the direction I've been going in is wrong, that it's best to undo my previous efforts. But it is a liberating realization that, simply, I am. I am not my actions, I simply am. At any point I can change my expressions and still be me.

There is a flow to life I've been realizing. I use the term flow deliberately to evoke images of water flowing. When it flows without impediment there's an ease to things. When there's a blockage, a cessation of the ease, it is no accident. It's not necessarily the case the previous direction is still valid though, a bend of the flow might require altered actions even if we insist upon the previous direction; after all, it was valid once why is it not so now. Heh.

Unconditional Love

Humpty — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 04:39:05 GMT

Depending on where this is read you may or may not have seen a previous post of mine where I lamented the decision of another. It's only important to mention now as a backdrop for this post.

Someone commented an idea of accepting the actions of others that I wouldn't make myself. Despite believing I had learned this lesson it's occurred to me since I still have much to learn. Today I was sharing a method of doing a programming task with a coworker. They appreciated the info but decided to continue doing things as they have been. Of course I really believed my way was better :) but I think by then the lesson of accepting others as they are had been sinking in. There was still a twinge of perhaps impressing my will, but for the most part I recognized my way -- despite whatever perceived advantages I see -- is just one way, a way. I was mostly happy with that. I like that I'm making progress.

I imagine unconditional love as the sun actually. Strong and powerful, but yet peaceful as well. Physically the desire to expand, to share, tempered with the weight of wisdom; a balance found.

Given this mood I found myself going through memories. People that in some way I interacted with at one point in my existence but yet no longer do now. I'm happy for them with the changes I come across. For whatever reason I decided to experience life on this planet, in this way, I'm coming to the conclusion I had a theme of acceptance. Constantly I find myself relearning this lesson, in many sundry ways. Constantly I find myself re-realizing the importance of expressing the heart, the essence of a person. In these lessons it fascinates me to discover how much there is simply to learn, the many subtle ways I doubt and limit myself without realizing it. It's quite humbling actually. Acceptance of others as they are can hardly take place until I accept myself as I am I'm realizing.

That's all for now. Hope all who've read it enjoy it. (And if not that's cool too, I accept that. lol)

Being true to yourself

Humpty — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 04:06:00 GMT

It occurred to me today while mixing up a sauce for dinner why it's important to be true to yourself. This has been a prime focus of mine for a long long time now. A few days ago I was talking to a friend and I spoke about things in our conversation I don't usually talk about. Talked about changing the world by living as if it exists already, similar to what Gandhi said in being the change you seek. So then I realized the importance of expressing myself.

But it was today that the light bulb went off in a big way. I had a mock conversation with myself, which I frequently do to hash out ideas. The circumstances that led up to the epiphany aren't quite so important. But I thought, "To not act in accordance with what I feel is energetically like denying what my eyes see. If I see a brick wall in front of me I don't attempt to continue to walk in that direction, but when I act in a way I don't feel that's essentially what I do." It's quite literally a blocking and stifling of myself, no progress can be made behaving in that manner. It simply does me no good to lie to myself, to deny what I feel is true, to adopt others' beliefs as my own if they conflict with me. There's an idea in mystical realms to act on what you have been given, for thoughts and actions to be one; I think I'm starting to see why it's important. (There's also a subtle calling to know yourself, an activity I'm starting to wonder that ever ends.)

I have to say it's definitely a fascinating journey I'm having in deciding I want to live in a different kind of world. It's the awareness and synchronicities. I think about the pitfalls of religions a lot in light of my newfound desire. Highly religious people believe fervently in things they can't prove but nevertheless believe. It's the same with me, I see the parallels. But then I wonder about the heart and giving away of one's power. At one point does a person believe in a loving religion while simultaneously believing in killing, or otherwise condoning maltreatment, of other people who don't believe as they do. Fear. Fear is the mind killer. Hmm.

Oh well, back to creating my world. :)

Know yourself

Humpty — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 03:21:03 GMT

Interesting interesting interesting day at work today! I learned something! Or I should say I'm learning something. I'll explain.

The Setup

On the team I'm working with I've been moved to a part of it responsible for improving the app we're working on, in a more long-term or substantial way. There are three of us. One of us has been designated the leader of this subsection of the team, and that one of us isn't me. :) However, our leader had some rather ambitious plans for improving the app, namely rewriting it by starting with the user interface first. This application is huge, requiring seven people to support it, and yet we still have issues dealing with it. So suggesting a rewrite in the manner our leader was suggesting was seen as foolhardy by practically everyone but him. So even though the leader is a full-time employee and I'm just a contractor, I made my feelings known to him and to the rest of the team at our group meeting.

Since pretty much everyone was in agreement his plan was crazy he was told to mostly abandon his approach and adopt a more modest phased approach. Although I'm not the leader of our group I am the only one of us who has worked on the app in a substantial way. I saw the pitfalls in our leader's plan because, although he's the leader, he's never really worked on the code and didn't fully grasp the scope of what he was trying to accomplish. So what this means is that I'm sort of a power behind the throne. I actually feel I should be in charge simply because I understand what has to be done better, the other guy on the team agrees. But I'm comfortable with the way things are: I express myself and make my feelings known so I'm happy.

Meanwhile a new member of the larger team has been causing a bit of a ruckus. He's a smart guy, I can tell, and I'm pretty sure he can teach me some things. But I think he's afflicted with the condition of many new people joining a team: I'm going to fix everything my way regardless of whether or not I realize the impact of my decisions. Three times now he's been caught modifying code outside of the scope that he was asked to look at. Two of those times resulted in runtime errors in code that previously worked, the other was a refactoring of a major section of code only weeks away from attempting to go into production. Although he's smart and knows a lot I really wish he would stop "fixing" things. He was asked by our team lead, not the same leader I mentioned above, to back out the changes he made in all three instances.

That refactored code he was working on has become his pet project. No one's asked him to do it, he's just taken it upon himself to make the code better. So even though he backed his change out he just checked it in to a different part of the source code tree. So today was a slow day at work: it's warm out – 90 degrees, yay! – all the various leaders are out, meetings canceled, you get the idea. So I get a message from the guy that he's checked in code to the area our small subsection of 3 people has been using! What in the world, you did what!! Why!? He's also noticed the code won't compile and offers to fix it.

I told him no we don't need your help to fix the code since we know it's broken already. And it's broken for a reason, namely our leader is out and left it in an inconsistent state thinking it wouldn't matter since no one but us 3 would be using it. I'm actually glad he asked before "fixing" it because he has become known for just doing stuff. But I was pissed about the code he checked in, his pet project again. I told him he needs to communicate more. It is very disruptive when you're working on something and things just start changing when you don't expect them to. He's definitely of the tact of doing something first and asking forgiveness than asking for permission the first time. It's a tactic I've used myself when I felt what I wanted to do wouldn't be approved but I thought it was the right thing to do.

The Score

Here's where the lessons begin to come into play, everything else was just preamble to give meaning to this. Because this guy asked me if he should back out his changes I felt I had power. What complicated my decision was my personal feelings against him. He reminds me of myself actually. I've been in his shoes, I've done things without telling people until I was done, and saying no was more difficult. I knew what I was doing and I can tell he does too with his latest action. I undermined our 3-man team leader in that group meeting, and to his face – or voice since he doesn't work on-site – and I felt this guy had undermined me by checking in this code. It's not "my" code actually, it's the company's, but the kind of work we're supposed to be doing isn't his domain. It once wasn't my domain either but that didn't stop me from sending emails to the people whose domain it was suggesting things. Eventually I got moved to this part of the team.

So in the moment he asked me if he should back out his change I knew I had a dilemma. Go with personal feelings or the wider view? I don't think I've ever been in this position before, a position of power. I know he feels as strongly about his pet project as I did about mine in the past. I was honest with him and told him the other team members should be consulted before a decision was made, but that personally I feel he should back it out. In this situation I actually think I'm justified in saying so because our work is going to be disruptive on its own to the main team, tacking his on top will just add more uncertainty. His work needs to be done, just not right now.

I've definitely learned in recent days I have issues with people who act like me. Not just this guy either, another guy on our team. It's more than interesting the people I have issues with… Aside from that is the lesson of power, and responsibly and compassionately using it. Although this was just one small incident I think it has a lesson for me, prompting me to orient my thoughts in a certain way, consider things I might not otherwise consider. I wouldn't mind being a team lead one day myself, and having power I'd want to use it wisely. Having to face myself and my motivations today was definitely humbling; but I think I did okay.

Know yourself.

Stymied Energy

Humpty — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:50:38 GMT

I've been working on the latest version of a software project of mine for a while now, and having great fun doing so! But because of the need to do things like working to earn money, a lot of times I have to ponder how to design something in my head while driving, walking to work, shopping in the supermarket, etc. Usually the gap between settling on a design and coding it isn't that great. But last week I hit a point where all the questions I had about a design ended and all I could do was code it, yet I didn't have time or energy for it.

It was interesting to notice how a lot of my exuberant energy lessened as more time went by that I didn't act on what I had created. It made me think about the phrase "use it or lose it", but it especially made me think about the idea of not acting on what you know, in a spiritual sense, in a power sense. One of the reasons I write this blog is to note interesting things that I can't place in a larger context yet. One of these interesting things – which I haven't blogged about – concerns life.

I came across a statement that, paraphrased, went something like, "Life will extend by its own volition". Recently I've found myself fascinated by another idea concerning human lifespan, that it's optimally around 900 years. The reasons given for our present-day average of 70 – 80 years is that we live inharmonious lives. All 3 ideas expressed here: 1) stymied energy, 2) lifespan being a function of will / desire, and 3) we live much shorter lives than capable; seem to swirl together. It's an interesting thing to ponder: that we die as soon as we do, relatively speaking, because our life force is in some way stymied. We don't live our truths. The creative boundless energy of youth gets stuck, unable to progress, because we don't move forward and act on what we feel and know. We don't race shopping carts down the aisle because adults don't do that, haha.

I do find it very fascinating how thoughts can be attracted to things. Not in a superficial way, but long term. Those topics around which your thoughts orbit. I love life, hehe. :)

Power

Humpty — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:40:25 GMT

So I sit here inspired enough to write again! I've found the things I say tend to be more meaningful when I wait until the feeling comes.

Lately I've been watching old TV shows via Netflix. Old as in, say, 1999. :) Time does fly, huh. Roswell was the show I never got around to watching during its original run on TV so it was nice to fulfill a dream and take a stroll down memory lane at the same time.

One theme of the show stuck out to me. It's one I've seen in many many stories, whether told via the medium of audio/visual, print, or aurally. Power. Some want it. They want it so much in fact it becomes a right for them. What's yours should be theirs by virtue of their desire. :) Not a completely foreign idea to most, the desire to want. What was interesting about Roswell was to see the motivation of those who not only desire but desire to keep all others away. Greed.

As a kid – okay and I admit sometimes as an adult :) – I've desired some special power: invisibility, super this, super that. Lately the question of why has popped up. What purpose would it serve. The benefit lies solely in its lack in others. What good is super this and that if everyone has it, it's no longer super, no longer special. It's a never ending chimera, a pot at the end of the rainbow, chasing something that will always be… just out of reach.

One word

Humpty — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:05:30 GMT

I was composing an email to someone yesterday and at the end I hesitated about writing something. I was trying to figure out if I should say it or not, make up some excuse so I wouldn't seem so bad in the eyes of the other person. And then it just hit me, why not just write what I feel? It makes me laugh a lot now but it really was just a sudden epiphany: just tell the truth. Not a command or directive, it really came in the guise of a question.

I ended up just saying how I felt, or really the core of what I felt. But in the moment that question was posed to me I felt alive, excited, joyful, exuberant. Recently I've mentioned wanting to live my life in a certain, rather inchoate, way. But in that moment I knew exactly what, or where, that way was!

I don't want to pollute the feeling with too much intellectualizing. But if I could describe it it would be like looking at a scene you've seen your entire life and on a whim you decide to look at it cross-eyed instead! And lo and behold you see something totally different than what you've ever seen. Just like those Magic Eye images. Pop! Right there in front of you, a new way of seeing things. Been there the whole time, just had to look at it in a certain, intentioned, way.

Before I let my heart end its excitement about this and let my mind take over I do want to say I enjoy the visualization of the heart as a compass. It is a lot like that. It doesn't just draw your attention to things, it also attracts those things to you. Magnetism.

Okay, so now I can intellectualize. *(^O^)* It was eye opening to be in front of that question: why not just say what I feel. I had to think about the reasons and motivations for lying. And they are many and varied. But typically my answers revolved around saving face, fear of losing another's love or affection by openly revealing myself. But why not just say what I feel? Haha, such an honest and simple question.

Mimi Rogers likes the fish

Humpty — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 09:01:36 GMT

So did I ever tell you the one about the fish out of water who walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary? No? Ha, that's because I never knew a fish that could hold his liquor, let alone walk into a bar to get it. But what I do know is I have an itch to scratch by writing.

I had an interesting Monday this week. I was shopping in the grocery section of the grocery store when a bundle of kale fell to the floor. I thought someone else would pick it up, surely not me, but it landed in front of my path so I picked it up. Later I realized I forgot to get something, and as I decided to go get it a head of lettuce fell down in front of my path. This time I was delighted to pick it up. Honestly I had the impression someone was trying to communicate with me. Sound crazy? About as crazy as a fish boozing it up. But I'm cool with crazy. I'm rather settling on the idea limiting my thoughts to the mold of others isn't very exciting, nor fun.

So why would I think someone is trying to communicate with me given what I experienced? Just a thought, nothing more. But thoughts are things, and entertaining. One thought I like is of them being like magnets, drawing things to themselves; a thought form. Given that thought one should pay attention to what thoughts to entertain and be entertained by. :)

But the deeper thought is a desire to live my life a certain way. Almost like putting paint to canvas, or in my case code to file. My desire is getting more fleshed out, less vague. That Atlantis post attracted me and stirred something. I don't really like the way modern society operates. I was reading once where someone described modern humans as like rapists upon the Earth. We bend it to our will: blow up mountains to get at resources underneath, dirty rivers in order to continue the opportunity to blow up more mountains. The idea of working with the Earth seems so foreign to our mass consciousness.

I like the idea too of working in harmony together. What is the purpose of work? To get money to buy food and shelter? To get money to then get into debt to buy more stuff? Couldn't we simply give each other what we needed or wanted? No, because we're rapists. We want more and more, never satisfied. Why ask for one head of cabbage if I can ask for two, or three. Why tend to a garden if this other guy will just give me stuff, for free!

There've been utopian visions before, even fully acted upon, only to fail.. :( Human nature is too rapacious at times it seems. But yet I desire; without the thought there is no form, no nothing. I know in my heart it's possible.

Atlantis

Humpty — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 05:11:00 GMT

"not to build into the physical vehicle its ending would be counterproductive to the mind/body/spirit complexes therein residing, for within the illusion it seems more lovely to be within the illusion than to drop the garment which has carried the mind/body/ spirit complex and move on"

It occurred to me today, and lately, that to a large degree I never really just come out and say what I mean or what I think. Were a Mack truck to hit me and cause me to depart this life, no one would really know all the kookiness residing upstairs.

I've thought about life in the form of a game for many years now. Imagine if you could live whatever kind of life you wanted as often as you wished. How boring it would become I imagine to do everything the right or proper way. If you've watched the movie Groundhog Day or the "Window of Opportunity" episode of Stargate SG-1 (season 4, episode 6) then you'll have an idea of what I mean. Sometimes when I play a game I have no intention of winning, I simply want to see what'll happen if I do such and such. "Will I die if I jump down that pit?" "Where exactly are all the gold coins?" "I'm just in a pissy mood and wanna blow some shit up man!" In the context of the game of moving towards the objective I might be playing "wrong", but it would be fun. :) What if I've already won the game and simply want to go through it again and admire the scenery.

Something I've thought about as well is Atlantis. You know that mythical land that couldn't possibly have existed. Well I seriously believe it did. Sound crazy? Perhaps, but you don't get far always playing it safe. What attracts me the most is the rational acceptance of supposed irrational phenomena. The boundaries of science continue to expand, things within the known and understood portion of this boundary are rational, things outside it, irrational. Irrational that is until the boundaries include it thus making it suddenly and instantly rational. Kinda funny when I think about it really.

I've always been drawn to both scientists and mystics, believing the two could safely intermingle. It's an interesting thing to consider mystics. More especially the ones that fit into religious molds. To be any kind of mystic you have to believe fairly strongly in things that can not be proven, the irrational. But what I find interesting are the ones who deny even the things that can be proven, the rational. It's the opposite of the extreme rational scientists, who don't believe in anything outside of what is known. The extreme mystics believe entirely in what they believe, even unto the apparent conflict with consensus reality. God(s), demons, angels, all these are real to the mystic. Why? Because they believe so, simple as that. Both extremes susceptible to stifling, self-fulfilling prophecies that invite little growth. Both would do better to make love than war.

But back to Atlantis. Personally I've never felt completely right about the world. Nothing ever really seems to make complete sense. Hard to put my finger on since it's just a feeling. There is and always has been more than meets the idea to this world. Something out of reach, but just so, only just so.

Back to back life lessons

Humpty — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:48:39 GMT

This is more of a "write it down so I don't forget it" post.

I had a dream today that I learned something from. I'm actually a bit amazed at that since I haven't often had dreams that convey a life lesson. But in this one I found myself the recipient of a gift as part of a friendly gathering. In the course of the gathering I got into the beginnings of an argument with the person who gave me the gift. But instead of staying and arguing I decided to politely recuse myself. I did that for the sole reason of trying to be nice. In my waking life I have the same tendency, to withdraw from situations involving conflict. But what I learned in the dream is how that isn't always the best response. Removing myself from a situation prevents me from making any headway in regards to learning. Not just about the subject matter being argued about but gaining life experience I can use to better myself. In the dream I regretted leaving and not continuing to argue with the person because I was beginning to realize how the same intensity that helps me in other areas, say writing software, isn't quite so useful in regards to personal relationships.

The other thing I've learned recently concerns my cat, forgiveness, and in general the letting go of deeply felt feelings that in some way I've discovered don't serve me well anymore. I'm not going to get into what my cat did to prompt things because I don't want the focus of this post on that, but I'll say she did things to piss me off thoroughly and perhaps your imagination can fill in the gaps. But after all that she made motions to be petted and meowed to be near me. The magical moment is when I dropped my wall of anger and liked her again. It was a split second realization that the initial anger I felt had run its course and no longer needed to be expressed. So continuing to do so was making it detrimental rather than being an honest expression of feelings like it initially was. That realization, small as it was, is at the core of forgiveness it seems. I've actually noticed quite a few areas in my life where I choose to push and accentuate the anger I feel long past the incident that prompted it. It's an odd thing really. It's like there's an attachment that develops betwixt the anger and myself, so letting it go is like saying...I was wrong. And we can't have that, now can we. :P

Life is not a competition

Humpty — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 08:39:00 GMT

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but because of a busying life haven't quite had the time. And it keeps nagging at me..

Because of my new job I've come across someone who's younger than me who's in a more advanced role career-wise than myself. What makes it even more interesting is that I was around the individual before they had even entered the workforce. As much as I think highly of myself I have to admit to pangs of jealously. The prompter of this post though was my attempt to make myself feel better by identifying some area where I was better than the other person.

Why?

Why am I doing this I thought. Like I said I do think highly of myself, and when I let the modesty slide for a bit I recognize I do excel in areas. But, again, what does it matter. Life isn't a competition. There's no prize for being better than or greater than someone or something else. Rewards: money, prestige, fame; those are prizes. :) True enough, but what is the gain to strive for more than another. I could've done the things the other person did to get themselves to where they're at now, but I didn't. It was my choice. Certain things attract my attention more than others, just as certain things attract their attention. We strive towards the things we're attracted to.

There's a certain element of judgment involved here, a grass is greener on the other side. What value do I place on things. How do I choose to view things. Comparisons with another. Why want what I don't want?

The more I think about it desires to be more than another stem from an unacknowledged lack within myself. Being critical of my natural tendencies.

It makes me happy being drawn to write things like this actually. :)

Purple purple purple...excuse me ^_^

Humpty — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 05:36:00 GMT

Rambling is creative mind expression, what you get when you let the structures controlling thought drift away, if only for a while. :)

The subject for today's regularly scheduled ramble is centeredness. If time permits a dash of self-deprecating thought analysis. So why do I feel centered? Because I feel happy a lot lately. It's weird, it almost feels a gravity of sorts. I have an urge, an energy, to reach out, but leaving doesn't feel as happy as where I am. The seeker finding what it has sought. Does that make sense? On some level it does, madness is genius on some level.

Am I proud or arrogant or elitist in some fashion to think I'm a genius on some level? What limiting thoughts. No, not the proud part, but the self-judging one. Who needs an external critic when you can take their best traits and make them your own. That's what I've realized I do. A way for me to feel I can beat my critics, imaginary or not, at their own game. But what does it matter if another gets their jollies with the perception of my misfortune. If that's what makes them happy, who am I to deny them that. Fall and stumble I may!

Life is fun, life is enjoyable, it always and ever is. In the midst of pressing issues it may not seem as much. Sometimes, in retrospect, different areas are illuminated. The perspective of looking back can come, well, only when you look back. :) Can't look forward to look back. That's the fun and beauty of life, the perspectives. So so many perspectives. With a box of 64 color Crayolas do I play with only 3 colors, always and ever? But there are so many other colors to paint with! How much more lively the tapestry might be. More vivid. Vivider? Is that a word? Shucks, it is, and here I thought I was making it up.

I met someone today that I've met before and before. Every day for weeks now, I meet her. Today she was different when I met her again. I wondered in the drive back about asking her a question. If you were to die today would you be happy with the life you've lived? I like to think she'd say yes!

Fondest wish

Humpty — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:18:46 GMT

I realized today a fond wish I have, maybe even my fondest wish. Simply put I want my inner world to be my outer world. I want to follow my heart so often that it ceases becoming a special thing to me. Like if it were sunny all day long eventually you'd lose the concept of night. Similarly I want to lose the concept of following my heart and have that transform into being.

I realized this is a fond desire of mine after regretting missing an opportunity today. Since I'm leaving my current job I'm making an effort to rectify relationships that are on the rocks. I spoke to said person today and we ended up playing voice mail tag. Later on a friend IMd saying she'd like to talk, it seemed important. As I was leaving work I started working my phone to find the contact entry when I noticed the person I called walking in front of me. I hadn't yet placed the call but I fell into my current habit of not talking to her. That's not what I wanted to do, but it felt easier to pretend I was buried in the phone. When I got home I had a strong feeling of regret of missing an opportunity. We could've talked then and there and I could've called my friend later; my friend I can talk to anytime, this other person not so much since I'm leaving soon. Still I took the path of fear.

It's kind of odd that in such moments you have epiphanies. But that was when I realized I really hate the feeling of missing an opportunity, of not choosing what I really want because of fear. It just dawned on me how much I hate that feeling, so much so I realized what would make me happy.

I suppose if life were easy it would be no problem to just up and follow my heart. And in truth I always acknowledge that ever-present possibility. But yet I also acknowledge the entirety of my self, my inconsistencies and hesitations. That was work in and of itself not too long ago, I used to run from myself! Haha. But now I have a new goal for the compass that is my heart. Destination: oblivion and eternity. To lose myself to my heart and my passions in finer and ever finer degrees. This is the life I will be building.

Challenge

Humpty — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 08:08:00 GMT

Just a quick late night note. I read an article about ethics today and in the comments section a lot of people were stating how they wouldn't ever do the "wrong" thing if the situation in the article presented itself. It doesn't matter what the situation is really, but what I found interesting is how confident they were. Some people said they had experienced a similar ethical dilemma and resolutely said no. Some got fired for the decision and were quite happy about it, some stayed and the person who initiated the dilemma got fired. You never quite know what you'll do in a challenging situation until you experience it firsthand. If something isn't a challenge for you then there's no undue attention paid to it, it's only when you're unsure of yourself in some manner that a situation rises to the level of challenge.

Many times I've looked at the lives of others, far away from any of the consequences of their decisions, and thought if only the person would do this or that. But it's not me living their life, their challenges are not my own. No, mine are tailor made, just for me. It's a very amusing thought that others would view my blog posts, and the challenges I face therein, and wonder why is he having such problems with this or that, it's easy just do this!

Life is what we make of it, huh, challenges and pleasures alike.

Infinite change

Humpty — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 17:56:00 GMT

The one thing I've been learning the most the past couple of days is how much things change. My job is the same after 9 years, other friends are married and make way more, I'm as old as the mom in my memory, the 13 year old I passed on the way from getting my mail reminds me of 13 year olds I knew when I was 13. Life, it's just a big old cycle, and we're cute furry-less hamsters running around it 'til we can't run no more. I can barely see the stars up above me, lack of glasses notwithstanding. In the 20 or so years since I first became enamored by them more cities have sprung up on the planet, so even at night the sky has a dim glow to it. Sigh.

Sometimes I miss who I was. Nearly every experience was full of possibilities and adventure, nearly everything was new to me. It's not that I miss so much but the euphoria it engendered. The lack of knowledge created a feeling not unlike the first few months of dating someone, everything so new and full of possibilities.

There's not really a point to this post like I usually try to weave into a posting. No, just a passing gust of wind that's grabbed some thoughts from my head so I don't forget the gust existed. (Haha, that's funny, and will probably create a breeze someday, hehe.) I thought about not even posting it but then I thought and pondered over the fact that my heart wished it. But "no one will read it", I said back to my heart, "no one will care". My heart replied, "So, it's what I want to do." Demanding little minx this heart is. But I've been falling in love with it, and who can refuse a lover.

I still can't see the stars, but I can smell the Lilac Breeze fabric softener from some anonymous person's laundry wafting in the air. Smells as sweet and euphoric as it did 20 years ago. Aah, the joys of civilization...